I need help with my daughter!

[raunchy gal]

who is almost 17,is a virgin and recently just started seriously dating her boyfriend of three years who is a year older than her and also a virgin.My problem is that every time i try to sit her down to have a serious discussion re dating and sex she dismisses me telling me that she doesn't want to talk about it,as she is not going to have sex till she gets married.I don't even think she masturbates,and she is always complaining that i am disgusting when i do it.She says she can hear me from her room next to mine,and that i act like a slut because i enjoy pleasuring myself this way.She was sexually abused by her father for two years from age five,till i found out and kicked him to the curb.This is most likely the reason she won't go near the sex subject,but i want her to be able to have a good sex life with her husband/partner,because sexual abuse as a child for eight years by my uncle stuffed up my enjoyment of all things sexual,and i just went along for the ride and faked orgasms 99.9% of the time.

[dancingdoc2]

Hi,
You might want to make an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in child abuse and/or rape in order to gain some insight into what to say or not to and how best to have a talk.

From all that I hear from the psychologists is that kids may balk at having these and other needed discussions, yet will listen if you just talk to them in a concerned positive way. Take it in bits and pieces and perhaps give her the information a little at a time, nonchalantly, as if in passing.

My order of items to impart would first be about birth control and each person's responsibility. If she plans not to have intercourse until married, great, yet do not be too surprised if she changes her mind on this and other things as she continues to grow and mature.

Do not give up. Perhaps the worst thing you can do is not to do anything, so let her know you are open to listening anytime about any subject--then, let her know that whether or not she is interested in hearing what you have to say on these issues, she needs to learn about them and that you would be remiss as a concerned caring parent if you did not tell her all about boys, romance, sex, and her own body.

How much of her dismissive attitude do you think might be a result of embarrassment?

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

-doc

[raunchy gal]

Thanks DD2,I appreciate your input very much.I want to be able to give her as much support and advice as i can,as my mother was too shy to tell me anything, and just handed me a medical encyclopedia to read.And i also had hoped to wait till i married till i had intercourse,but it didn't work out that way.I was 7 months pregnant when i married and he wasn't my first sexual partner.My daughter and her boyfriend do hope to marry in a couple of years time,and i want her to be aware of her options re birth control,masturbation and other sexual matters.

[dancingdoc2]

I would imagine that there has been some "girl talk" going on among her friends. If true, she probably knows more than she is letting on.

My mother handed me a book that explained things very well, although, for a naive thirteen year old, not so much. Much of what I came to learn wasn't acquired until I began dating as a h/s sr. In college, I had roommates much more aware than me so they were all to glad to help a "youngster" along.

If you do look for a psychologist, you might also ask the person how best to handle your daughter's lingering feelings.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The FIRST thing you MUST realise is that your daughter will NOT achieve orgasm unless she gets help untangling the mess your husband foisted upon her. Abuse at that age WRECKS the developing neural pathways through which sexuality is discovered and enjoyed. (Gee, thanks a lot Dad.)

She NEEDS serious medical help and she needs it NOW.

Evidence:

1. this whole slut, enjoyment thing she's got going is NOT normal or healthy
2. there may be some guilt because she may feel somehow it was her fault - not true- but she may feel this anyway
3. she may be transferring her anger at her abuse onto you since you're her parent too and that's unfair
4. revenge on you being such a wuss that you let that happen to her

Any or all of these could be in her mind and warping your relationship with her.

GET HER TO THE DOCTORS NOW
before she's 18 and can say no

[raunchy gal]

Ok,well first her father used to abuse her while i was out shopping ect,and he was supposed to be looking after her and her brothers.Second she and her brothers (they were witnesses to the abuse)have had extensive counselling and she knows it's not her fault,because i talked to her about my own abuse and explained the whole power trip abusers hold over the victim.Third she thinks anything to do with sex is disgusting,and last i am a wuss for still having a sexual relationship with her father(not any more) and not making a clean break for the benefit of the children.I know she resents me for that,so yeah why should she even listen to me.

[dancingdoc2]

She will listen even though she may put up a skinky front.

On the other hand you might want to fess up and confide in her that parents do not get a parenting guide at the chapel or at the hospital room after delivery. Most people parent by example set by the way their parents raised them in conjunction with any adjustments and changes they believe are proper.

Gotta run and go dancing.

-doc

[Brandye]

Doc's first point is key and necessary. She will not speak with you about the abuse because she holds you partly responsible - even without being aware of this herself. Adolescence is a grim time under any circumstances but even worse with her feelings about sex when the desire is welling up and she does not want it to. Get her help and stay out of the way.

[lnt1103]

And then you pile on the other point DD2 made about embarrassment. Kids rarely want to talk to their parents about this stuff, it feels weird.

I'm 32 and I can't talk to my mother about sex. Never could. Heck, when I went on birth control (I was living with my parents at the time and didn't drive so she had to get me to the doctor's) I had to start the conversation with "I hear BCPs help with hormone levels and might make my blood sugars easier to control during my period" (I'm diabetic). Of course, the next thing was hormonal birth control was contra-indicated and I got an IUD. She also saw right through it and wouldn't discuss it other than dates and times of appointments.

At any rate....your daughter needs more help than you or we can give her. It's good that you got all your kids counseling, but more is definitely in order here.

[raunchy gal]

Thanks Brandye and int1103,the fact that her father still refuses to acknowledge that he did anything seriously wrong is part of the problem.He's never apologised or shown remorse for his actions,he said he was giving her LOVE.Ha if he had shown me love and respect instead of treating me like a sex toy and possession none of this would have happened,and i still blame myself and feel guilty that it happened for two years behind my back.It was only through my son's bravery in coming to me that i found out.I know that my daughter will be scarred emotionally from this as i am from my own abuse at the hands of my uncle,but i just hope that she can find some enjoyment in her sexual life when it happens.I don't want her to have to fake her orgasms like i did.