I give up

[shinji]

Well, I have decided to give up dating for a while. I am still in love with my ex, and I am unable to truly move on. I also know that I am unable to enter a relationship so soon, when I am still in love with someone else, it would be unfair to the other woman.

I came here to ask, does anyone have any ideas to distract myself from thinking about her? Like any good hobbies or projects to distract myself?

[raunchy gal]

Well perhaps you could take up some kind of sport if you don't already participate in anything.Maybe golf,tenpin bowling or something else you like.Do you like reading,you could join a bookclub.There are endless ways you could keep yourself busy.

[dancingdoc2]

> I came here to ask, does anyone have any ideas to distract myself from thinking about her? Like any good hobbies or projects to distract myself?

Your suggestions are good ones, RG, however, this does not work long term. The reason is the thought of a person can pop into your mind at anytime of the day, like while walking, driving, watching TV, reading the newspaper, cooking--whatever.

What worked and continues to work for me is to literally "change my mind". Whenever the person pops into my mind, I quickly and consciously change my thinking or thought to something totally different. Now, the thing is, a person may have to do this over and over and over within a few minutes, or, as time passes, several times a day, although, not several times in succession.

Over the course of several months, thoughts of the person will happen less and less. Expect that this will take some time, so if someone wants to try this, do not become impatient, throw up your hands, and give in too soon.

> I have decided to give up dating for a while. I am still in love with my ex, and I am unable to truly move on. I also know that I am unable to enter a relationship so soon, when I am still in love with someone else, it would be unfair to the other woman.

Rebound relationships are not recommended. Men and women need time to grieve and to learn to "fly solo" once again. The process is much easier if we do not enter into a closed and exclusive relationship. This is part of the drama and trauma we have discussed in other threads.

When you are ready to date, do so, and keep the relationship open ended. If and when the time comes to become exclusive, you can do so by your actions, not be making a declaration like insecure teens. Couples in open ended relationships can be and do all the things in an exclusive relationship without all the emotional strings.

Sinji, I recommend that you read the article on dating and relationships and consider the merits of what is discussed.

-doc

[shinji]

I have read the article, and it makes sense, but I just can't date yet. I still love Jen.

To be honest, I have never felt this way about anyone before. Even after everything I still love her, and I'm just not ready to move on.

But I have not contacted her, last time her and I met, we agreed that she would have to contact me, unless an emergency occurred, then she wants to be notified.

I have been in contact with her mom, who has become a friend of mine before the break up, and she says that Jen is well aware of the fact that I still love her, and she is aware of my failed attempt at dating. How Jen is aware of such things, I don't know.

Today I am going out with some friends of mine, grabs some burgers, play billiards, maybe catch a movie or something, who knows. Usually when I am with friends I don't think of her as often, so I am hoping that helps a bit.

I am thinking about posting more details about our break up, but I'm not sure. DO you people think it would help if I did, or should I just leave it be and try and seek advice about moving on?

ALso, is it ok if I use this thread to continue to talk to people, an to help my process? Cause I find talking or in this case typing really helps me.

[dancingdoc2]

> I am thinking about posting more details about our break up, but I'm not sure. DO you people think it would help if I did, or should I just leave it be and try and seek advice about moving on?

If it helps you to vent, go ahead; however, you will have to evaluate the worth of what people might tell you.

On the other hand, the details of your breakup probably have a very common denominator. What is important is that you do a sort of "Morbidity and Mortality" evaluation of your previous relationship. The term comes from hospitals in which doctors meet to discuss procedures in an attempt to learn why a patient died. One way to learn what went wrong is to ask your ex-, friends, parents, who might have better insight that you into the relationship.

What you need to grasp is that she ended the relationship. It is over--unless or until something changes for her to rekindle her interest. That said, learn how to end the relationship in your mind, and then enter the grieve and healing phase, and, begin dating, again. You will waste a lot of time, effort, and, emotion, trying to get her to rekindle her emotions when you haven't learned why the relationship failed.

That said, please understand that dating is all about learning what humanity has to offer us in a potential mate. Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. That said, begin dating and dating lots of people, openly and non-exclusively. All this has been discussed before and appears in the Index.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

[shinji]

Well, I did ask my ex a few weeks ago, and I asked her mom. But before I say what they said, let me give a little back story.

She broke up with me August 8th, the day after I took her to see her favorite band, the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies. For two and a half weeks before the breakup, ever since she returned from a family reunion. Everyday she would tell me she loves me, that she sees a long term future together, and at one point even said I am the kind of guy she wants to marry someday and she wouldn't mind if it was me. As you can imagine, the break up was unexpected to me.

Well, not long after the break she started dating another guy, I mean it was not even a month, and we met afterwards. She told me she truly meant those things, but then something happened, she doesn't know what and she needed distance to explore those feelings.

She also revealed to me that the guy she is currently seeing, was pursuing her ever since the start of our relationship, and she resisted and said no. This was something she never once told me during our relationship together, I only learned after she broke up with me. She also said he asked her out less then 4 days after she broke up with me, and she said yes.

After that meeting, which was about 2 and a half, possibly 3 weeks ago, her new BF started stalking me and saying things to me about her, rather crude things, but I will explain that later if your interested.

Her mom though, says that she thinks Jen is afraid. She thinks that once Jen had an opportunity to think about what she was saying, she became afraid because we were heading down a serious long term commitment. She says that she even noticed we were heading down that path.

Her mom also told me that a year ago there was something between Jen and her current BF, but that she chose to walk away from it. She thinks Jen is just wanting to explore if there was anything there at all, which was also an echo of what Jen told me.

I still love Jen though, her mom asked me last week if I would push her out of the way and take a bus hit for her, or a bullet. I said yes with no hesitation. I have never felt this way about someone before, and I would give and sacrifice anything to have her back, I'm just not sure what to do.

Her mom also said that she got the impression that Jen and her new BF are not that close, that there was a distance between them, my own mom noticed that as well when she ran into them. and that was 2 months of Jen dating this guy.

Jens mom also said she has the impression that Jen still has significant feelings for me still, and may simply be afraid to act on them. And she also said Jen knows I still love her, and she knows about my failed attempts at dating again, how she knows, I have no idea.




Her mom had to cut our conversation because she had a plane to catch, and when she is available again she would call me. I am hoping more light can be shed on what is going on.

I'm not really sure what else to put here, if you have any questions feel free to ask and I will answer them.

[Brandye]

Shinji,

The more energy you put into trying to recreate the relationship through direct talks with your ex- or with her mother, the less energy you will have to recover and get on with your life. That is the action you take to recover the relationship but, in the process, you are discovering things you may not wish to know.

Hard as it is, drop it. In a month or so, you will begin to heal and then will make great company for all the women you may wish to date. Care for yourself, first, then become a social animal once again. We never know where life shall lead us.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay, this urge to hold on is due to the brain chemicals lingering on well past the end of the relationship - we did tell you that it takes 2 years for someone to completely 'get over' a break-up. Now will you believe us?

My advice: understand it is just the chemicals talking and then get a dog.
You need to be needed and a dog will fulfill that function while demanding attention and effort from you - keeping you occupied. Then when you're finally over Jen - the dog will act as a "Babe Magnet". The dog will also inform you which of these babes is 'for you' by liking her more than any other.

[shinji]

EvilKitten, I do have a dog. In fact, I have three, a Great perenese, A German Shepard, and a long haired Corgi. I also Have three cats, and live in my parents basement because I cannot afford an apartment right now, especially since my job at the museum may be cutting back some more due to economics, and lack of space for projects.

The animals are good to live with though, but there was just something about Jen that made me happy. I wish I could win her back, but I'm not sure if I can, or what to do, or if its the right thing to do. I've been told to maintain NC, d thats what i've been doing, but is that the right path?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yep, no contact is the rule and really is the best thing for you to do.

You should also devote your energy to finding a better job.