Fathering a child for a friend

[Ducy]

Here's a question for everyone on the board. Let's say a very dear friend werre to ask you to father a child with them because the doctor told them that they have 1 to 1.5 years to have a kid or odds are they will never become pregnant. What would you do?

[dancingdoc2]

> the doctor told them that they have 1 to 1.5 years to have a kid or odds are they will never become pregnant. What would you do?

I'd get a second opinion!

Seriously, Colin, what's going on with the couple? Is this a case of try and try again all to no avail? Do the fella's critters have low motility or other problems? I gather that the woman has been checked and no problems found, right?

Well, this is being a sperm donor , and I'd want to pass request by an attorney who knows about such arrangements.

-doc

[Ducy]

Woman has endometriosis. Doctors have told her she's infertile. Comes across 1 who said they're idiots she has about 1 year to at least 6 months before her chances are close to none. Guy and girl have known each other for something like 8 years. He said beginning of high school and he's 22 now. They've
been inseperable since but they aren't bf gf (even though I tease them that they'll be married lol) I have my opinions on the subject. They seem like soul mates IMHO but I don't wanna give him my thoughts just yet. I wanna get some other peoples opinions

[Brandye]

Well, Ducy, you are back. Welcome. Go no farther on this situation until everybody has had a psych workup. This situation is fraught with dire possibilities. But, at least, I guess you are off the milky thistle weed or whatever it was that created an earlier crisis.

[Ducy]

Well I did a little experimenting and my test levels are way up. My body is whacky even for the docs lol. I figured they were a little out there and that's why I kept my opinion to myself. I just feel terrible for the girl cuz she's a nice preson. Never harmed a fly and yet she gets told she can't have the one thing she really wants in life. Ill never understand how that works.

[MrsGSpot]

Hmmm, well, I would consider that if your situation with her changes.....if you suddenly have a falling out and you're suddenly not such great friends...or if perhaps she loses her source of income.....are you going to be willing to pay child support for this child?

If she decides to ask for support and you say no, and she demands a DNA sample, the odds are pretty good you will have to pay. Something to think about also.

I can only go by my own experiences in that I didn't think I would be as close to my own kids as I really did once they were born (very hard to explain how protective a parent gets for their own as opposed to other peoples', you think you know how you will respond, but you might not), but you may also find that this woman is not the great mother you were hoping for, or you get a case of the daddy's and you want the child under your care instead.

What about when the child is older, and wants to be with you?

You may be opening a huge can of worms.

I would be cautious about this. Very cautious. These things are never that simple as they seem.

[Angst]

If you do talk this over with them and decide to go ahead, I'd agree with the "ask an attorney" advice. I'm sure there's some way this could be arranged so that you'd have a position akin to an anonymous sperm donor, they're guaranteed exemption from child support and that sort of thing. If she's the one who has fertility problems, though, and not him, why are they looking into donor sperm rather than a surrogate?

[roomier]

I don't understand why people go through so much to have babies. When there are children that are waiting to be loved in this world..through adoption!!

[Massdebator]

I have to agree with Roomier on this one, Ducy. Adoption circumvents a lot of the potential hazards of this situation anyway.

[RedRoses]

About 'fathering' for another woman; I only know the system here in Europe. There is a difference between being a 'conceiver' and a 'donor'. You're the conceiver when the child was conceived naturally, iow: through sex. And the donor when you put your stuff in a jar and she does her thing with it (with or without help from a medical professional). Being a donor can strip you from any obligation towards the child. Only thing that legally matters, is that you've got it all in a signed contract! This contract should also include anything about the child later wanting to visit or not, etc. Fertility clinics here have a template ready to use Since you can not donate sperm anonymously anymore here in Holland, the fertility clinics have run dry. So children-wanting parents are now socially networking a lot (special websites and all!). In my opinion; finding someone you know would be a lot better than some anonymous fellow over the internet... I guess she would be a very lucky girl if there would be a man she knows who is able to give her such a precious gift!

I don't understand why people go through so much to have babies. When there are children that are waiting to be loved in this world..through adoption!!

Hmmm... I think I do understand the difference... I guess it's very different to carry a child inside you for 9 months and the experience of giving birth (though it could have physical advantages not to ). I just understand the feeling the girl must be having...

Nevertheless, adoption would be a good alternative! But do think about that this usually takes years of paperwork and you really have to 'qualify' for adoption, whereas you may simply have a baby. And do consider where you are 'getting' a child.

For example; I wouldn't adopt a child from a third-world country. These parents usually have no where to go and than do a thing that leaves them heart-broken: giving up a child. Better invest in project where the people in these parts of the world benefit from instead of taking their babies to 'better places'.... Also: do think about corrupt countries in which the little kids are being taken away from their families; it's just plain kidnap! All this to be offered for adoption, cause that makes 'good money'... So with all best intentions to give a child a home; you'd better double-double-double-check where the kids actually came from! Best option would be a child from your own country, cause they have to stick to the laws and you can check it out easier. Also: it's rather sad to fly babies around the world, when there are toddlers right next door in orphanages begging for a loving home...