hey new here

[alw06tchs]

hi i am ashley
i am new on here
i dont know wut everyone really talks bout but i will talk bout wutever sry if i sound lame i hav enever been on here before so it would b cool to have yalls help
if any one wants to chat u can write bac or pm me it is up too u

thanks

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome, Ashley, to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you enjoy participating.

What do we talk about? My gosh--just scan the various forums and read. Begin with the Posting Guidelines at the top of the main screen. In addition, please spend some time learning how to use the site. It is divided into two main sections, the Home Page section, and, the Forums.

We are here to help with questions and concerns people have regarding health, relationships, romance, sex, and about the other gender. Got questions?

Please write using the Queen's English--meaning no internet shorthand.

[alw06tchs]

well thanks for the help
so
i kind of do need some advice

how do i get me boyfriend to spend time with me?
like we live together and he is really into cars and his car stuff on the computer and if he isnt at work then he is workin on his car and on the computer. it kind of puts a strain on the relationship.
i talk to him about spending time with me and he says that he is going to but he never does and then when i get mad at him he wants to know why. and i do everything for him and he does nothing for me. he thinks that wen he are layin in the bed and he is on the computer or us in the livinroom and him on the computer that is spendin time w me or when i am outside with him when he is working on his car.
i dont know what to do any more i love him and want it to work but i am tired of askin for stuff i want him to want to spendtime w me or want to do stuff for me you know

[sera300]

And you live with him why? Not certain about that one. I suggest you go out and find your own apartment.

[dancingdoc2]

Your predicament has been discussed a time or two before. It is not uncommon for a young man to behave in this manner.

He suffers from the conquest and dominance syndrome, meaning that he goes off into the world in search of a conquest--in this situation--YOU. He searched for you, pursued you, woo'd you, won you, and now that he has you, placed you on a pedestal, and goes off in search of another conquest.

According to you, he has it pretty good. "i do everything for him and he does nothing for me." It must be nice to come home and as an example: say "hi", grab a beer, sit in front of the computer or TV, burp and zone out of the real world and into the virtual one. He gets dinner, has a laundry service, and what else? Does he help around the house/apartment, or do you do all the dusting, cleaning, and picking up after him?

I have observed many cases in which the next scenario is to have one or two children with such an oaf, only to find the wife sitting on the front stoop with babe in arms watching her man with his friends fiddle with the car or truck for hours on end. According to these guys, they bagged and bedded you, gave you a child, and go to work to pay the bills. What more do they need to do, except to search out the next conquest....

In a word, your boyfriend is immature. He may not have been properly taught by his parents how to manage a relationship or a household, and if true, this situation is not completely his fault. Now, having said that, if he is a smart guy and an observant individual, why doesn't he see you sitting on the stoop or waiting longingly in the house for him to complete whatever has his attention?

I had loving parents, went to college, and eventually married my high school sweetheart. My parents never taught me how to manage a house, so while I could vacuum, wash windows, make a bed, cook a steak, I had no clue how to integrate all these tasks, see when one or more needed attending to, or how to prepare a meal. What's more, I did not know how to budget money, keep a check book or savings account. These were part of the woman's tasks.

Unless or until he "wakes up" and smells the proverbial roses, and understands the importance of maintenance (you, your relationship, your home, your budget, etc.), I'm afraid no amount of whining, pleading, or cajoling is going to get what your heart desires. As far as he is concerned, he won you and now it is on to the next thing. "Maintenance?" He has yet to connect the dots between maintaining a vehicle and maintaining a relationship. He needs to learn the importance of budgeting his time and prioritizing his daily responsibilities. It is good that he has a hobby or an outside interest like his car; however, he must understand the importance of maintaining "inside interests", also.

Unfortunately, I do not see him or any other man behaving in a similar manner changing without a swift kick. Even if you do this, he will likely turn around as ask what that was for---duh. I agree with Sera300, let him see the handwriting on the wall with a note that says something like, a relationship takes two working together as a team, not two doing individual things. Move out and in with a girlfriend or female roommate unless you can afford to live independently. Do not be in any rush to find a new man and when you do, do not move in right away. Date, observe, and live independent lives for a year before making any long term live in arrangements. When you do entertain the idea of moving in together, spend some time observing how he maintains his home. Is it a mess, picked up, organized? Is there dust on the furniture? Can he cook and prepare a meal from scratch? Is his laundry done and put away? Does he have a bank account and money in a savings account and at least one long term account? How much debt does he have? How much credit card debt does he have?

Next, talk about household maintenance. Is he willing and able to share these tasks and to clean house, cook meals two or more times a week, and to attend to whatever needs doing without being asked. Does he spend time with you, planning things for the two of you to do, participating in your interests? If you can answer "yes" to all of these, then you can consider cohabiting.

[dancingdoc2]

I had a boss once who gave me that tip. I will pay it forward.

PART II--

OK, let's say you will consider moving out yet before you do will give your relationship one last chance. I recommend sitting down with him and having a "business meeting" in which you discuss the business of your relationship.

1. Explain that you require maintenance and that he has to spend time being with you, not just occupying part of the same room doing his thing while you do yours.

2. If he does not help with the household chores, explain that this is a partnership in which both of you work together and share in the responsibilities. If he sees something needs to be done, take the initiative. Better to spend five minutes doing some little chore than half a day doing all of them on a day off.

3. If you co-mingle your monies, then set up a budget. Set aside so much of your income for bills, so much for joint activities, so much for your separate accounts in which you do not have to explain where the money goes, a minimum of 10% should go into savings and another 10% into a long term savings plan. If you are spending all your income and living paycheck to paycheck or if you are spending more than you make--make immediate changes and begin paying off the debt.

4. Set up a financial budget so the two of you know where your money is going.

5. Set up a daily or weekly planner in which the two of you agree to be responsible for certain tasks. Switch tasks occasionally. If he is to be responsible for the laundry one week and it doesn't get done, do not do it or if you must have clean clothes, wash only your own. The same goes for cooking meals. If he fails to prepare a meal, have a TV dinner set aside for yourself.

6a. Determine how much time he needs for his hobby per day/week and agree that each of you can only spend an agreed amount of time on the computer.

6b. The same for you.

7. Plan dates and activities that the two of you can do this week, next week, or at some future time and then schedule them on your calendar.

8. Decide to do small things together each day. As an example, take a walk around the block in the evening.

9. If each of you are attending to your individual chores, then help each other out, although, if he is overlooking his, let them pile up.

10. Clean house each day! Plan your work and work your plan by doing just one room a day. It is easier and quicker to dust, vacuum, and pick up one room each day than it is to clean the entire house on a day off.

11. If your relationship requires some work, then discuss this and work out a plan for how to accomplish what needs tweaking. If he is not paying any attention, then inform him why this aspect of living together requires ongoing effort. Ask for what you need, budget it, and then work on it together.

If he shows no interest in being with or in doing things with you, then let him know that unless he demonstrates some interest in being with you and fostering the relationship it is over. If you say it is over, mean it.