It's been 6 years

[goof'schik]

I need some advice on how to tell someone that my brother has past away. In 2002. He had been pulled over, for the 6th time, and given a DUI. Now I know I had told him and told him, but he was 40 well almost and I lived 3 hours away and the girl (woman) that was the designated driver got trashed and so he drove her car.

Anyways, I've been contacted by one of his high school classmates, we were one year apart in school so I do know them, via Facebook and they asked about him. Now I had gone to his 25th reunion, to let anyone that didn't know know. It wasn't his high school sweet heart or his best friends job. It was mine. This guy saw me there and I talked alot about my brother to a bunch of people I guess I missed him.

I am not ashamed of my brother. I am disappointed that he drank and drove. Thankful that nobody was ever injured, and I miss him. He was one of my best friends, in our adult lives. After this stop, he lost it, thought he was being followed, his house bugged with cameras and mics, he was out of his mind. I did get him some help, and although he promised me he wouldn't hurt himself he did. Halfway between A2 and Deleware, OH I felt what I call him reaching heaven. We don't get earthquakes to often here in the midwest. I felt a calm and I felt a peace so he is happy, and the people that knew him best agree.

Let's get real. He took his own life on July 8, 2002. Our parents went before him, he wasn't married (divorced), and he had no kids. He left me, ok and our older brother and his then wife. Again what do I say, this man will see his classmates again in a couple of years. The fact that he is dead, that he hung himself was never kept quiet. It is what it is, but I have to write this man back and tell him. He saw me at their 25th reunion in 2005, how he didn't hear I will never know, at their 30th (still debating to go or not I had more friends in his class than in mine) he can't just go in and say to bad about her brother, it was a suicide. HELP, and thank you.

[sera300]

If he died as you stated; you need say nothing. Just "My brother has been deceased for X years, untimely & unexpected". End of it and do not go into details--if people prompt you decline to comment by changing the subject of telling them you prefer not to discuss this--you are there for a reunion.

[goof'schik]

His class reunion will not be til 2010. I have to write and tell this guy something, I am not sure who I could call and ask to tell him. I don't mind talking about my brother, it brings him in for a bit. I was just I guess what I call raised right and there are proper ways to do things. I even called one of my brothers then wifes sister to go tell him in person. It was at a time that he didn't need to hear that over the phone The sister was a good friend of mine and her husband and her went and told them.
I like doing things in person, and this person lives to far away for that to happen. My brother was one of the most popular guys, if not the most popular guy in his class. I really don't know how this guy got thru that reunion and didn't hear.

[sera300]

Honestly, I would write this person back & just say he died and the year, prematurely & unexpectedly. I would not go too far into telling people who are not close until you are comfortable. If this person was not a good/close friend of your brother's, I would not get into it.

Death is difficult to deal with, suicide more so since everyone asks the same question "Why?". This leads you into having to explain too much to people you are not, or he was not, close to. Yes, he took his life; however, remember his life when it was good. No one else needs to know anything you do not wish to say. Regardless of how the matter is handled the truth does come out to those who push it or over time. You do not have to be the one to explain though. I know many who when pushed to answer state "He/she went to sleep and did not wake up". Conversely, I have seen many people & some who are friends just drop to the floor at a young age and were not able to be revived...sudden cardiac death [cardiac arrest] secondary to a congenital defect which was undetected.

My point; these are so many various explanation's, at times the least said at times is best, based on how you wish to handle this.

[lnt1103]

Tactful, compassionate honesty. I know it's hard, but you'll find the words. Even when telling this kind of thing in writing, Sera is right, give only the details you feel comfortable sharing.

Personally, I'd probably go with something akin to 'I'm sorry, I thought you'd have heard, he passed away a few years ago.'

[JustAGirl]

Seconding what Sera and Int have said. Send him a brief Facebook message back, since that was the method of contact; I like Int's suggestion of "I thought you had heard, he passed away..." He doesn't need the details. If he asks, which (given it doesn't sound as though he was a close friend of your brother's) he shouldn't, you can give the details you feel comfortable sharing, or just say you don't feel comfortable talking about that.

I am sorry for your loss.

[constantlylearning]

I am also sorry for your loss. I know all too well how difficult loss can
be especially one that s unexpected and sudden. I would not be uncomfortable
with any avenue you decide to take. I probably would not volunteer any
details that make you uneasy. Keep Your Head Up.

[lnt1103]

While I can't say it's precisely the same as your loss, I know what it is to lose a brother too early and out of the blue. I'm so sorry.

Sera is right, instead of the pain and circumstances surrounding the loss, focus on the GOOD memories, the things that made him who he was, the special moments that happened between the two of you that you can always treasure. That's by far the best way to keep him within your heart.

Nowadays, when getting to know new people and the subject of siblings comes up, I tend to mention him first, partly because he was the next in age, but partly so that I can then fairly quickly move on to the good news of my sister and her husband and two incredible kids. It helps lighten the moment and let the conversation move forward. Either that, or if it's a person who I don't anticipate needing to know about him, I just leave it at me and my sister.

[goof'schik]

I did write him thru facebook, and told him the truth. I am not ashamed that my brother took his own life. I was disappointed that he kept getting behind the wheel, yet thankful that no one was ever hurt, that is a true blessing.
So between that, and thinking of good dirty talk and well the seizure med issue I ended up in the hospital at 3:15am on 8/6, got released today at 5pm. Dilantin level got to a toxic level, 45, and well this morning it was at 23. It should be no higher than 20 EVER.
I am a bit concerned, glad that I was able to make it to the hospital and have some great care. And the neatest 88 year old woman for a roommate.
Wow, what a week and no sex. Maybe in a couple of weeks.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by goof'schik

I did write him thru facebook, and told him the truth. I am not ashamed that my brother took his own life. I was disappointed that he kept getting behind the wheel, yet thankful that no one was ever hurt, that is a true blessing.
So between that, and thinking of good dirty talk and well the seizure med issue I ended up in the hospital at 3:15am on 8/6, got released today at 5pm. Dilantin level got to a toxic level, 45, and well this morning it was at 23. It should be no higher than 20 EVER.
I am a bit concerned, glad that I was able to make it to the hospital and have some great care. And the neatest 88 year old woman for a roommate.
Wow, what a week and no sex. Maybe in a couple of weeks.

Hope you are feeling better..I know not fun in the hospital & toxic.

You do not need be ashamed of what happened with suicide; you may be able to talk about it openly, share as you wish but think this person you are writing might be shocked to hear.

With suicides, people who were friends often are shocked and wonder why did they not reach out, or they question what they could have done to have helped with leads to in depth probing of personal information you may wish not to discuss or hold off and discuss in person...no easy solution with this the most important part is that you are okay with it. Other's will take the news and react in various manners. The significant part is; don't be pushed into discussing anything you do not wish to for your well being. Always remember the good times you had together.

Take care of yourself & get well...