How well do you communicate with your mate?

[Sustayned]

If you read enough self-help type books, or Internet forums, you'll undoubtedly come to the conclusion that many of your thoughts and questions are shared by a great majority of other people.

I imagine that most people came to this forum via a search for answers to questions they could get from their mates if they would communicate better. That is definitely my situation. So how do you fine tune your communication skills?

Let me qualify that a little. Many people may have good communication skills in other areas of their relationships. However when it comes to sexual issues or intimacy issues they may fall short. Again, this is the area I fall into. I have been married for a long time (33 years) and was with my wife exclusively for four year before that. We have an adequate communication level outside of intimacy. You would think that people who have been together for so long would naturally know what the other is thinking or what they prefer.

But it's not necessarily so. It's almost like since you know them so well, and they know you so well, you are not inclined to really reveal your true thoughts just for that reason.

I know that is not very clear (maybe that's why I have issues in this area!) so let me say something else I've noticed. My wife and I were separated many years ago and of the many things we talked about after re-joining, (we both had sex with partners during this separation) was the fact that we felt very uninhibited talking to those partners about things we as a couple were hesitant to discuss...mainly topics of intimacy.

I believe that the reason for that is the same reason that they say it's easier to rob a stranger than it is to rob let's say a neighbor. Probably because they would see your face again and again and you would feel shame.

But there is no shame in discussions of intimacy. My wife and I have touched, seen, explored parts of each other that NO ONE else ever would have an opportunity to.

So why the shyness with my mate? I think that's what it boils down to..shyness. Until just a very few years ago, I had a hard time actually saying to my wife that I was horny. As if she didn't get that way too. But I guess I saw it as a sign of weakness or something. Like letting her know I was in need. Even though she has never said it, I really believe she is that way too.

As I wrap this up, I'm thinking it's more of a comment than a question since I don't think there is a solution short of visiting a good therapist.
On the other hand, while there is no substitute for a qualified therapist, maybe you are all my therapists.

[sera300]

It's ironic, this is one area where I always felt comfortable with discussing intimacy and sexual wants/needs. Rather, I lacked in being forthcoming or wanting to discuss why I spent some absurd amount of money on shoes or a purse!

How? I always kept the discussion on "I feel...." rather then ever using the words "YOU". To exemplify; I would say "I feel as if my feelings/wants/needs are going by the wayside and I don't like the distance between us". When someone uses the words; "When you don't climb in bed with me; I don't think you want to be with me". In lieu of this I would say; "I love it so much when we go to bed together and it makes me feel loved". Now if the topic is sexual in nature; I would say "I miss it when I don't get to make love to you (or whatever it was) because we are going to bed at different times, this is how I think we can solution my feelings of missing you, how do you feel about it?" Generally, regardless of the issue, the same concepts can be applied. Be upfront and honest but never tell the other how they feel, or how you interpret their feelings, always use "I" for yourself, keep the questions open ended so they have to respond. "You" sounds as if the blame is being put on the other and immediately causes defensive actions or reactions. Listen to what is being said and what is NOT being said, equally.

[Sustayned]

Sera300,
"When someone uses the words; "When you don't climb in bed with me; I don't think you want to be with me". In lieu of this I would say; "I love it so much when we go to bed together and it makes me feel loved". Now if the topic is sexual in nature; I would say "I miss it when I don't get to make love to you (or whatever it was) because we are going to bed at different times, this is how I think we can solution my feelings of missing you, how do you feel about it?"

That is a very positive way to address something. Maybe that is a lot of my (our) problem. Either way, it certainly makes sense to me.
Also the idea of leaving the comment or question open-ended so your partner needs to respond is a great idea too.

One small detail here and it's largely something I would have to work on I know. That is while saying something along the lines of what I quoted from you that you might use, sounds great to me. I feel funny saying something like that. But then again, it took me a long time to be able to say "I love you" for no apparent reason. Something in my upbringing I'm sure. But still I guess I need to work on getting over that feeling that I'm being patronizing when I talk like that.

Maybe that is part of a larger problem. I've noticed that when my lovely bride talks like that (about wanting sex whether it is plainly said or not) , it sounds natural and it's a turn on to me. But when I do say things along those line, my wife makes remarks like, "You only talk like that when you want to get laid." Is that something you feel is common? Or is it just that my situation is that bad?
Possibly the reason I feel funny saying romantic things is that she minimizes them and/or trivializes them as merely a guy being horny.

Thanks

[sera300]

I would just be open and tell her you want to work on communication (you are working on your communications skills & tell her when she speaks to you like that it's a turn on for you) between the two of you, and this is an effort you are putting forward. If you do it long enough it becomes a habit. Long ago, I realized if I just spoke how I felt & what I wanted, I sounded less offensive. And it works better then screaming matches! LOL!

Also, have you thought about getting a sitter for a few days (family member) for the kids and going away to a resort alone? Many of the Caribbean resorts are running specials now (not prime season) and find one which has a nice spa, spend some time doing nothing, lounging by the pool or on the ocean, have her go and have a massage, and meet later by the pool? It does not have to be fancy, just some nice couples time.

[dancingdoc2]

Question or comment, your thoughts have been presented very well. You also write very well; I like your use of short paragraphs with lots of white space left on the page. You would make an excellent technical writer.

It is my opinion the format of television news programs in which information is presented in short self contained blocks, one right after the other, has done much to reshape how people acquire information. I have noticed for a long time that the attention span of many people has become shorter and shorter. If something cannot be described or detailed in "twenty five words or less", the author looses his/her audience. People seem unwilling to read through more than a few paragraphs and for them, reading a newspaper let alone a book would be more than their patience could tolerate.

> I imagine that most people came to this forum via a search for answers to questions they could get from their mates if they would communicate better. That is definitely my situation. So how do you fine tune your communication skills?

A common complaint expressed by women is that "he won't talk to me". What is it about guys that they will not-
* stop and ask for directions
* share their feelings
* discuss matters of importance or concern, particularly to their partner

Perhaps part of the reason can be attributed to the way the male brain is "wired". Much has to do with how we were raised and goes back to dolls vs toy trucks sort of thing. Boys simply are not encouraged to cry and or express and share their innermost thoughts and fears.

Speaking of fear, is it this or a lack of courage that keeps men from visiting a doctor? Avoidance seems to be a big part of how we have been conditioned to respond. If we do not think about it or talk about it, it will somehow go away and we do not have to deal with it, at least for the time being. When push comes to shove, we produce one of two responses-
* we clam up
* we yell and exhibit a short fuse

One way to fine tune communication skills is to first "open a channel". Recognize the validity of a problem when the other person states that one exists. Be willing to be vulnerable.

Couples often argue over topics and not issues. If one or the other of you is not willing to get to the core of the matter at hand, nothing will be solved and stress and strife will remain high.

If you want to talk to the male of the species, a wise woman will prepare by doing the following:
a) telling him in advance that she has something of importance or concern to discuss
b) stating what the matter is

One of the worst approaches to take is to spring something on him unexpectedly. You stand a much better chance of getting him to open up if he has time to mull things over and warm up to what is to happen, later.

Once you begin talking, do not go to bed-
* mad
* until you have the matter settled, at least for the time being

A word to the wise (man):
When a woman speaks--listen.

Being a good listener is paramount. Guys often do not listen well and begin interjecting thoughts on how to fix or clear up some issue. WRONG! When a womam begins to talk, more often than not they do not want anything fixed. They just want a compassionate ear. In such instances, "communication" is "venting" and not "discussing".

> But there is no shame in discussions of intimacy.

Perhaps not; however, what is very real on a guy's mind is criticism and being seen as having been inadequate in some area of responsibility or capability.

> You would think that people who have been together for so long would naturally know what the other is thinking or what they prefer.

To some extent this is true, yet as we go through life each of us gathers new and different ideas, rethink old attitudes, and become willing to adopt new concepts and philosophies. When these situations occur, it is akin to having a new "Square One" from which to begin a relationship or exploration that I write about when someone is concerned about differences in experience when beginning a new relationship.

> we felt very uninhibited talking to those partners about things we as a couple were hesitant to discuss.

This is often the case whether with a new liaison or just a good friend. I believe when you have little invested at the time, or little to loose (as might be when talking to a third party) a person (read: guy) is more apt to be open and talk and to seek answers. This and similar venues adopt this roll; yet, from time to time we read a post in which a person will still not openly discuss a matter of importance even when using a screen name and not divulging where in the world h/she is located. Shyness? Irrational fear? Other?

Now that I have written many more than twenty five words, let me do as I have done before which is to compliment Brandye for being able to convey so much information with so few words. Bravo.

[Sustayned]

DancingDoc2, thanks very much for the compliments. I have a habit of doing the diametric opposite when writing a post to a forum if I am very passionate about the subject. I opened and ran a very successful web site (3.5 million hits per month)(completely unrelated to this type of site) from 2000 thru 2004. I went through several flavors of forum software and finally wound up with InfoPop, which at the time was best. This forum format is the best I've seen.

I had a staff of 23 at the time I resigned from what became a corporation and ate up my life it seems. My own moderators used to get on me about making a three page post in one paragraph, so I would have to consciously break it up.

All of your points are well taken and I see some in there that would definitely benefit me and some that would benefit my lovely bride. There is room for improvement a plenty here in my world. You and Sera300 and Brandye and several others make this forum a stand out in what is otherwise an Internet world full of just shock and awe. This is what attracted me to this site as opposed to nearly every other site where sex is the content.

I wish succinct was a trait of mine. Unfortunately, I am prone to writing one hundred words where 10 would do if one had that talent. And it IS a talent.
Thanks for the input

[Sustayned]

By the way...I have noticed the television issue you described for a long, long time now and I'll go one further to state that commercials are becoming more like mind conditioning.

I don't have a lot of time to watch TV but when I do, I am apt to refuse to watch anything with commercials because if you watch the way they edit them, it's like one second, one image. Another second, next image. Sort of shotgun like.

But your mind is constantly adjusting to the next image just about the time another image comes along. It's annoying as hell and in my unlearned opinion, gives most people an inside look at what Roof Brain Chatter must be like for people afflicted with that mental disability.

[A_bit_new]

me and my girlfriend actually communicate a LOT... ive only been with her for 5 months and we talk about everything and anything with eachother.. she was shy about talking about stuff and i dont mind talking at all so i guess i kind of influenced her in a way to be more open and she thought it was kind of strange since im a guy that i dont mind talking instead of just being physical

[dancingdoc2]

> I don't have a lot of time to watch TV but when I do, I am apt to refuse to watch anything with commercials

This makes a good case for satellite TV with a HD recorder or some similar service. Record the programs of interest, view them at a convenient time, AND, zip through the commercials. "What did they say?" Press the rewind button and go back one or more times until you figure out what was said.

I've noticed the very same thing about commercial formats. What bothers me just as much is having a string of commercials over five minutes every ten minutes! or so it seems.

[Newtolove]

um yes for some reason many feel shyness in talking about highly intimate things although it is with the person we are intimate with most, well me and my girl don't seem to have that much reserve and talk about most anything but I think it is something I need to watch out for that we always have that openness as i think it is so easy to loose, it takes courage perhaps but after all we choose to spend the most intimate and unexposed part of our life with our partners we should feel free to communicate as well and try to put aside certain hangups and conditionings