Choosing porno over spouse

[Michkay]

Hi,

I've got a question regarding men who choose to masturbate with or even without porn rather than being with their wife. I know several women who have husbands that will flat out deny them sex but then they catch their husbands masturbating with magazines, movies, online porn, etc. These women continually want sex and are refused, what gives?

[Brandye]

We have had a rash of similar posts recently. Look around.

My (female) guess is that it is less trouble to take care of themselves than to deal with another human being. Sad.

Yesterday, I put up the clinical definition of an addiction as dependency upon any behaviour that interferes with normal relationships. Maybe it is an obsession; perhaps addiction to porn; could be puerile dreaming of something better. It probably cannot be called "abnormal" (sadly) but it sure is sick.
were I married to such, he would be out.

[dancingdoc2]

I will not address the matter of pornography, prefering to leave this open to other members of the forum. As for masturbation in general, it is important for women to know and understand that the need for a climax holds three truths for the male of the species. These are:
* The outward expression of the love he has for his partner
* The need to relieve pent up daily stress and tension
* The shear enjoyment of it all

All three are mutually independent of the others. It is possible for a man to make love with his wife every day and still masturbate. Why? Primarily number two on the list. Many a man masturbates more than once a day and has since puberty. This need is a fundamental difference between the genders that many young women fail to understand; thinking that if he has a regular lovemaking schedule, that this should be enough. Well, often, quite clearly, it is not. He can be madly in love with his wife or girlfriend, be completely satisfied, and still be driven by stresses hours or a day later that need a helping hand to go away. It is critically important for the woman in his life not to feel threatened or worried.

Nearly all of us masturbate to a fantasy. Nearly all are internal scripts of fancy. If not carried to excess where it interferes with a normal interaction with his partner, I see no reason to be upset that he sometimes uses external stimuli in the form of videos or magazines to help make his private session more enjoyable. Again, this is a solo activity and a woman should not be at all threatened unless and until it impacts the quality of their relationship. See numbers 2 and 3, above and their independence from number 1. It is important that she "get this".

As for the woman's desire for sex and to be refused just seems to me a result of being in a relationship with a severely self centered immature person. It is not at all uncommon for some men to go to nearly any length to bag and bed a prospective conquest and after doing so, saying to himself, "self, now that I've done this, I can relax and not do any care and feeding of the relationship", believing incorrectly that it is somehow self perpetuating.

It seems to me that women in this type of relationship has two choices, she can wait it out and hope that her man will mature and wise up sooner than later; or, she can cut her losses and move on. In between these to extremes is couples counseling.

[Michkay]

Thank you for your quick and detailed responses. I just want to add that in a couple of the cases with my friends that these men are in their 40's with children. I realize that this doesn't automatically make them "mature" but what is the likelihood that men of this age will ever change? While I understand that these men might have a need for more sexual release, I don't understand why they would refuse women, who in many cases "beg" to have sex, and they simply will not do it. We are not talking about ugly, fat women either. Outwardly, there seems to be NO reason they should want to refuse them.

Just a side note... have you ever heard of a man who has intimacy issues when they are "momma's boys"? I remember hearing something about Elvis Presley wanting sex until Priscilla had their baby and after that, he wouldn't do it. It seems like the men we know who are doing this to their wives have a bit of a momma's boy complex (where they are still attached or controlled to their mothers more than most typical men).

[dancingdoc2]

> I just want to add that in a couple of the cases with my friends that these men are in their 40's with children. I realize that this doesn't automatically make them "mature" but what is the likelihood that men of this age will ever change?

Rare, yet possible. It all depends upon whether or not he gets it--that "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".
Sometimes a really big club helps. Many a guy seems comfortable after the bagging and bedding aspect to just exist in a rut of complacency and blissful ingnorance, even ignoring or dismissing a problem when told that there is one. Talk about being
plugged-in....

> I don't understand why they would refuse women, who in many cases "beg" to have sex, and they simply will not do it. We are not talking about ugly, fat women either. Outwardly, there seems to be NO reason they should want to refuse them.

Bordom may be a reason, particularly if the relationship lacks variety and spice. Same goes for their lovemaking. Another reason may be some men's secret wish to trade "her" in for two half her age, then daydreaming of what this may be like. In the past I have recommended to women in this situation to shake things up a bit by taking the proverbial bull by his balls and doing something radically different when they make love so that this shock treatment might infuse his interest and imagination sufficiently to get back into the game. Victoria Secret or similar can help; so too can looking at one of those magazines and learning to copy some of the poses he finds aluring.

Guys have (at least?) two inherent flaws; the first bing a "fragile male ego"; the second being that we are often lazy perferring to take what we perceive as the easy way out of something. Often being stimulated by porn, videos, or racey magazines is easier than turning to his wife or S/O or g/f and working on a boring, ho-hum, or dull love life.

> have you ever heard of a man who has intimacy issues when they are "momma's boys"? I remember hearing something about Elvis Presley wanting sex until Priscilla had their baby and after that, he wouldn't do it.

Well, I know Elvis had "issues", although I have not heard of this before. I'm not sure whether being a Mama's boy even at the advanced age of 40+ is the reason. From what I've encountered in past discussions is that moral and/or religous teachings are at the root cause.

> It seems like the men we know who are doing this to their wives have a bit of a momma's boy complex (where they are still attached or controlled to their mothers more than most typical men).

Unless Mama is a prude when it comes to expressing her love for Dad, then I doubt it. Seems more likely that his upbringing and/or being ignorant of the condition of his own relationship is more likely, although I could be wrong. If these guys you know (and others) are into the fantasy and stimulation that videos and magazines provide to the exclusion of their wife then clearly this is impacting their relationship and it is excessive and a problem that they fail to comprehend even when the complaint is made. A guy's complacent behavior seems to be self-centered. We tend to think that if we are happy then how can anything be wrong. This is where the big stick might come in handy because talking and nagging sure don't work. Hopefully someone smarter than me can weigh in on this and provide some insight that will help you.

[Brandye]

There is a reason you Yanks scored with Desperate Housewives. I have several patients who are in that league. The men become overcome with other issues (call it work), live in a state of fatigue and depression and this all catches up in the 40's. Women are still around their sexual peak and men are well down the far side at that age. Bored with each other, tired of kids in the way, just want a good nap. Doc strikes the physiological imperative of ejaculation and sometimes it does not matter whether that is into a vagina or a tissue.

I have dealt with patients whose sex life ended with birth. It has required, in one case, some heavy duty counselling and, in another, an afternoon lover. I am certain that divorce results in some cases. "Momma's Boys?" I simply do not know. Some men do idolize motherhood (look at the entire Christian faith, especially the liturgical churches) and cannot fathom "doing it" to their child's mother.