Need advice

[slarkan]

Me and my girlfriend met in late October and the realtionship was going fine for the first 2 months. It all started changing when she got on the birth control pill. She started acting withdrawn from me and having headaches alot more than normal. This went on for about a month and then she broke up w/me and didn't have a reason why she did it. We were broke up for about 3 1/2 weeks and she called me and said that she had been thinking about me alot and having dreams about us and missing my company. She said she didn't want a relationship and wanted to keep it on a friend level, but wanted everything to be the way it was before we broke up. We have always got along great and never had an arguement and are really good friends. But we have been seeing each other just like we were before we broke up. I really love this girl and I know she loves me even though she doesn't tell me. But she says we aren't "together." So my question is how do I win her back for good? And we do and act just like we did before the break up. I want to marry this girl someday! By the way she will be 24 in May and I will be 32 this month. She has 2 wonderful kids. I love them as much as I love her. Their dads aren't in their lives and @ 1 time she asked me if I would consider adopting them if and when we got married. Sorry this is so long just needed to give you the run down.

[WallyLlama]

Even with more information... there'd be a lot of guesswork involved in figuring this out...

It sounds like you suspect the pill had something to do with her change. But here's the key: she's calling all the shots and you are letting her. Why?

You are going to have to apply some pressure in order to find out what's really going on... or to change the status quo.

Either that or be very patient and hope and pray things progress in the direction YOU want. But if you do that... who's to say that when thinks get intimate she won't decide to break up again?

She's right, you are not together... she missed your company and that might be different than missing you and the relationship she had with you.

There are at least three entities involved here: you, her, the relationship. You simply have to make what you want as important as what she wants... and then you and her negotiate how you both get what you want.

I said "simple." I didn't say "easy."

[dancingdoc2]

> It all started changing when she got on the birth control pill. She started acting withdrawn from me and having headaches alot more than normal.

I am not an expert on the pill(s); however, reports are that it can affect a person's libido. This is the first I've read about trying to connect it to how a person feels about a relationship. I'm not so sure this is a valid supposition.

> We were broke up for about 3 1/2 weeks and she called me and said that... she didn't want a relationship and wanted to keep it on a friend level, but wanted everything to be the way it was before we broke up.

Ya just gotta figure something else has her scared. In my guesstimation it is a fear of the fear of committment. Here is one possible connection:

> She has 2 wonderful kids. Their dads aren't in their lives and @ 1 time she asked me if I would consider adopting them....

"Dads"? More than one, eg one each?? It may not be fear of the unknown that has her worried; rather, fear of repeating what may have happened before in a relationship. By not committing, she believes (incorrectly) that she can have her cake and eat it too, which is the feminine version of why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, way of framing things.

> I really love this girl and I know she loves me even though she doesn't tell me.

That indicates trouble. I know...been there and experienced it and not hearing those three little words from her was a really big thorn in my side even though our relationship seemed otherwise fairly healthy. As far as I'm concerned, it is a very hugh sign of trouble when a man or woman cannot respond in kind or express the sentiment in those three words on their own initiative.

Somehow you have to determine that you are correct and she loves you, or, that she is simply "in like with you" and undecided. As soon as she says "I love you (too)" the character of the relationship changes and she is now committed.

> But she says we aren't "together." So my question is how do I win her back for good?

Is you is or is you isn't. Are you making love or engaging in recreational sex being friends with benefits?

There are two important matters of concern. The first and foremost are her children. Their interests should come first and having you in their lives transitionally is not good. Ideally, a date should not be until the relationship has progressed to the guy or gal being a keeper. Kids suffer greatly from having mom's or dad's steady (for a while) dates play a role in their lives, then disappear only to have another stranger enter the picture sometime later, etc., et cetera, etc.

The second problem is her perceived uncertainties and fears that life with you might be a repeat of what has gone wrong before. Counseling would seem to be indicated.

[slarkan]

Thank you both for responding.
WallyLlama: Yes your right she is calling the shots I guess you can say. I don't really want to push my luck w/ her too much right now. I'm justthankful that she called me after 3 weeks. when we first broke up I made a fool out of myself by calling her and begging and pleading w/her not to end it.Which did nothing but make her mad @ me. But here's the deal she herself said she didn't know why she wasn't happy. And after that I called her mom and her best friend and took all the stuff back to her she got me for christmas. I know that was childish and I regret everything I said and done. But @ least she and her kids are back in my life and I'm thankfull for that. She also said she wanted everything to be like it was before we broke up. When I asked her what exactly she meant she said everything. She just didn't want to talk about the breakup and what was said. So we haven't mentioned it @ all. We get along great have fun together do the things we did before. And we are both happy as we were before the breakup. So I wonder why she says she don't want a relationship? We had 1 before and we also had a love bond and I know will still do. I just don't understand why. Her actions speak louder than words do and her actions tell me differently. We do still have sex but not everytime we are together so that tells me I'm just not around for sex. She tells me I'm everything he wants in a man for her and her kids. See why i'm confused. She don't say this but I think her parents have alot to do w/it I don't know for sure. She lives on her own but they watch her kids cause she works nights @ the hospital.
dancingdoc: yes she has 2 kids by 2 different ppl. The 3 yo dad and her were married but soon divorced before he was born and he had made threats of physical harm to her and the baby. So that's why he's not around. The baby's dad isn't around either. She loves her kids but she didn't mean to get pregnant w/ the baby which is 1 yo now. As I stated before she hasn't been on the pill since after we broke up and we get along just as well as we did before the pill. when I say I know she loves me even though she doesn't say it she has told me twice that she still loves me.I agree with you on the kid issue. I get along great with her kids and they love me being around I know this also by their actions. Although I will admit the first time around me and the 3 yo were not as close as we are now. I really didn't think he liked me by the way e acted toward me, but now I know he was just playing and was trying to get my attention. Ilove this girl very much and her kids and we have even talked about getting married 1 time before and I would marry her and adopt her kids I want to be a family with them and a dad to her kids. I did have insecurities when we were together but I had a good reason although it wasn't fair to her what my ex wife done to me. But that can be fixed. She finally admitted that the other day that she couldn't handle my insecurities.But even though she doesn't tell me she loves me I can look into her eyes and tell just by the way she looks@ me talks to me@acts toward me etc. I don't think I'm just a friend with benefits because there was and is a love bond there and it can be rekindled and I was just looking for some help in getting that rekindled to where I know for sure 100%.Also if anybodyelse has been in this situation and can also lend some advice I would greatly appreciate it. I know this don't sound right but I feel more for this girl than I ever did for my ex wife.

[slarkan]

so many ppl have read my post but only 2 ppl have responded. So I guess I'm the only 1 that has ever been in this situation. I went to her house again last night and everything went great again! I just wish I knew what the deal was with her not wanting to commit but wants everything the way it was b4 which it has been. I know I shouldn't question this being it is going so well. I just wish I knew for a fact that she wanted it to be just me and her and the kids again.

[WallyLlama]

My sense is that most of the traffic on this site lately has been "younger" folks... so there may not be a lot of people who can relate. I do think you'll find a similar theme if you poke around the site some.

I think it makes sense to question, as she's made it clear so far that she doesn't want to commit. Time could affect that, but you are taking some risks, particularly in view of her relationship history.

[constantlylearning]

Seems some posts don't evoke much a reply. Others seem to keep going and going.

[champloo]

yeah..

sounds like you love this girl. im not in your type of position, not 100%, but by reading your story and its replies/replies to the replies, i can tell you must care for this girl/kids.

i wish you the best, of the best, of luck.

[Newtolove]

she is probably a very insecure person possibly due to her past. if she married twice and it went wrong she possibly does not trust her own judgment much. my dad has found another woman after hi divorce 2 years ago but sometimes this person goes scatty and starts acting as though he is cheating on her or something. I think this is due to the fact that her husband left her after 15 years together and she does not get much support from her family. she has a lot of trouble making decisions. try to look into the general background perhaps get aquanted better with her family so they can judge you and give her a supportive opinion.
afraid thats the best I can offer not even ever had a girlfriend myself but I think she is insecure of herself. perhaps try to be with them more as a family than just the evenings. like go to the park together or on a day trip.

[Maribelle]

I see a lot myself in this! I'm 26, single mom in a relationship with a medical professional who is almost 40. We all carry baggage - I'm also a survivor of child sexual abuse.

I love the man I'm with, yet I still revert to the most basic methods of protecting myself, the ones which have served effective in the past: to push him away & pull into myself. It's the only form of control when I feel completely out of control. Even when I know logically there's no cause to feel out of control.

Not only am I dealing with my own issue of believing that people in general can be trusted not to hurt me physically or emotionally (regardless of whether or not this new person is anything like or totally unlike my abusers) ... I also have to protect my daughter - what if she becomes attached to him & he leaves, what if she gets hurt (emotionally)

Single moms have more to think about than just what we desire (if we haven't been abused into believing we're not worth feeling desire, which is one extra issue I'm dealing with, too).

I don't know what advice to give you other than that if you truly love this woman & commit yourself to some day marrying her ... just be there for her, be patient with her, encourage her (but don't pressure her) & show her that you appreciate her. Just be good to her & have faith that your love will break through her barriers Also, don't let yourself get lots in her - be yourself, have your own life, take care of yourself, too!

The man I'm with now has done more to pull me out of my shell just by being himself & acting as an inspirational example that living life & trusting people is OK - somewhere along the way I learned that my daughter & I both deserve happiness even at the risk of the possibility of losing that happiness someday ... that sometimes it takes a risk to gain greatness. Even so, my path keeps turning me around to take a few steps backwards once in a while.

There's no perfect answer just like there's no perfect past, present or future. & that's OK.