Marriage - My views.

[Jaybee]

Before I launch into my discussion of marriage, let me say, this is exactly that; not to define what I consider to the the ideal wife. *That for another article...



I approach this article as a single man, wanting to marry at some point in the not too distant - but not now.

It's interesting that preparations for mergers between corporations are handled with a far greater degree of attention to detail than marriages. *We enter into them FAR too casually. *I intend not to make that mistake.

The only documentation that married couples voluntarily get into is, surprise surprise, a financial one. *The Pre-nup. *One into which energy and effort that COULD be used to ensure the marriage does NOT go awry is placed. *Now, I'm a realist. *I'm not for one second advocating that we try to dispense with it with it, in todays climate of casual marriage, any more than I would advocate dispensing with condoms in todays climate of casual sex.

We need to move away from the notion that 'love will conquer all'. *It will NOT - at least, not given the flighty type of love that so many couples today bring into a union. *It's utterly unrealistic. *Marriage is supposed to be a committment, and one I intend to enter with BOTH my head and heart operating unimpaired. *I used to fall in 'love' quite easily; but it was puppy love, all sweetness, all intensity, but no thought. *No committment without strong foundation in reason will have a good chance of success. *I have to know that she will do WHATEVER IT TAKES for our marriage to work. *And for that, we have to define our aims, highlight our worst warts, know ALL of our respective likes and dislikes, making strenuous effort to introduce the other to the best of the former, and explaining the 'why' about the latter. *We have to be more open with each other about our inner fears and dreams than we dare be with our parents and siblings. *

Let's take an unusual example - if she harbours a secret desire to have a fivesome with four eskimos. *I want to know about it. *I want to know WHY she's drawn to that - in advance. *Maybe I can do something about it, maybe I OUGHT to..and then again, maybe I can't. *Or maybe I shouldn't interfere. Those 'maybe's are all decided by us, and resolved by us...in advance. *Maybe I'll look the other way. *Maybe I'll leave her. *Maybe I'll pay for four strapping, horny Inuit and hope she likes them, videotaping the session and we're still both getting off on it when we're pensioners.

For those who are married, I ask an unsettling question - if your spouse were hospitalised, horrifically disfigured, and then wheelchair bound

for life - and looked like THIS

http://www.persecution.com/images/ne.../GirlAcid2.JPG

would you STILL stand by him/her? *Could you REALLY push the wheelchair down a crowded street and be proud? What exactly is the minimum standard below which you cannot allow the person to remain married to you? * Now, let's leave aside any knee-jerk "Ummm, yeah, sure I will!" reactions; being so horribly mutilated is, thank God, something extremely rare. But let me introduce something that ISN'T so rare..what if one of you cheats? *

I'd want to come to the following understanding; she will NEVER use the foreknowledge of my forgiveness - and it IS guaranteed - as a reason or incentive, even in the slightest, to cheat. *She will know that she would hurt me terribly, and in turn be hurt by my suffering. *But she will also know that our marriage is NOT in danger. *She has to know that the only thing that could drive us apart is if one of us develops a mental illness so severe that he/she is a mortal danger to the other.

Our committment has to be ROCK-SOLID; based not just on love, not just on common interests and desires, but a knowing, burning desire to maintain our own happiness. *We must BOTH never, ever forget that we are better off together, than not; our respective pleasures doubled with the inclusion of the other, our respective fears halved by the strength of the other.

She has to be unswervingly devoted to my happiness, and ours...as I am. *Yeah, we'll complete a Pre-nup, but it's a formality. *Nothing will matter to each of us as much as US. *It is from here that all success will flow.

And darling...right now, I don't even know your name. *I don't know how or where we met...yet. *But if you, I or both of us are reading this post years from now...I love you, I know you love me. *But know that I did this, for US.

Lest I ever forget.

[mmparks]

HAHAHA!!! Some of your expamples were hilarious! And yeah.. I felt pretty much the same thing. I wanted a person that didnt exist.. or I didnt think existed. Have hope.. I found my pink elephant and one thing you said hit me.. cause I thought it too. Its the committment that says yu will work out and do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. WHen you have that it kinda gets rid of a lot of your other questions.

You asked what if one cheats.. Id just leave cause obviopusly it wasnt the committment I thought it was. Thats the great thing about LONG engagements

Yeah, I could tajke care of him and be committed if he was disfigured or his weenie was lost. There is a lot there between us. As long as its HIM in there and not a brain dead shell. Hanging on to somehtign like that is nonsense.

With us .. we both rotten harsh, sarcastic people that others have a hard time dealing with for any length of time. BUT together we are mush to eachother. Its a matter of having NO desire to do anythng but make the other feel good, aid in their success, and support them. Its a very unusual thing when you find this level of real comfort with another human being.

Keep lookin, she is out there.

[lilly2279]

Well you are definitely going about it the right way. I hope you can find her.

Whne I was married, I had the same vision in my head. We both said we would work so hard to make it work no matter what. We would get through it all together. Unfortunately with me, he stopped the working part. I was the one scurrying around trying to make things "work" and he just kind of existed in the marriage. Going out every night, drinking, sleeping in late the next day, missing work, not helping, caring or trying. I worked so hard for 3 years, then decided I was tired of it.

I have found the right guy now, though. Although we have only been together for 8 months, he is the one I should have met to begin with. The funny thing is that I would never have appreciated him so much had I not been through my first marriage. So, I'm 31 now and divorced, but am with the guy that is right for me.

You will find your girl. I'm glad you got over the puppy love thing. YOu really have to look at a person's entire package. Those weird little habits or things they do, that you think you can change.... well, they sometimes just get worse.

[tracy]

I am new to the board. I need some help. My boyfriend doesnt like to have sex that often anymore. I do . I take it personally even though he says its not me. I have gained some weight. SO I a inscure on top of it.He says my weight doesnt bother him at all. But It bothers me. I have gone on a diet to help my problem. But what can I do in the mean time? Is this a major sign of problems elsewhere?