Ok so sorry for the title but I have no idea what to call it and Im kinda losing my mind lol. :(
Anyways...so my girlfriend and I have taken a break from sexual activity. (she has been dealing with sexual abuse flashbacks and I have been trying to feel the pleasures of simple things...a backrub, hug, snuggling) Well for about a week or so we were hanging out a lot, and we would kiss and just kinda relax and watch movies etc. etc. and my sex drive has been so so...I mean I dont masturbate as much, but I still kinda get in the mood when im with her.
Well today we were at my house, and we were laying on my bed just sort of snuggling cuz the movie ended. Well i kissed her, and it was just a simple kiss. nothing special, not trying to initiate. Well her arms were around me and she just sorta rolled and and got on top of me. At this point, not only was she pinning me to the bed, but I could feel her trying to coerce my lips into opening up for a little makeout sesson. IDK why but I froze and it sucks.
normally had she been on top of me, I would have been....well you get the idea. But rather than get me into the mood, it made me nervous.
I thought perhaps it was because we havent actually made out or anything for two weeks. (one of just no time and the other agreed to take a break from things) but thinking back I have never had a problem with lack of action...in fact I went 4 weeks a long while ago and when we did finally fool around I was just in the zone.
I am so confused right now, and I guess this really isnt a question, but more of a vent. I mean I have honestly been looking forward to making out for the last two weeks lol but then suddenly I get the chance and I chicken out. And usually I would jump all over her being on top of me trying to pin me to the bed. I would be trying to get her shirt off, or grabbing her a** but...AYE YI YI I really hate hormones...one second you want...the next you dont.
I feel bad right now, because my girlfriend thinks that she messed up. (i mean she could tell i was uncomfortable, and just got off of me.)
She told me that she wasnt trying to get into any touchy feely just a simple make out, and the reasons for acting the way she did was.
A she really wanted to make out with me,
and
B) she just wanted to be more comfortable, because it gets kinda awkward making out side by side while lying down. (we both usually get neck aches lol.)
Well thanks for listening...I know there is probably some reason why this happened, but for whatever reason I dont see it...
Im usually not a quitter but i give up...:(
Were you afraid that her advances weren't honest? By that, do you think that she, being aware of your 'sexual hiatus', was doing this more as a way just to please you? Or trying to force herself to try to have fun?
Maybe you locked up because you didn't want to feel coercive.
And of course it's kind of like driving blindfolded given the unpredictable nature of when or what will cause a flashback to occur.
Well we both agreed to give up sex for a while...it was her idea actually because she just felt really uncomfortable...I really didnt know what to think...like it was nervousness with a little bit of fear with a little bit of anxiety....IDK it was a really weird feeling.
The other uncomfortable thing for you is that it's a fine line between looking out for her wellfare (by taking it easy) and running the risk of making her feel rejected.
That does make sense...I just hate the fact that I have been wanting to make out with her for two weeks...pretty much up until she tried to make out with me...then I was like....ummm...sorry I cant.
well it could be a psychological thing because the two of you agreed in advance that you were going to take a break from sex, so her advances may have given you conflicted feelings which might cause you to freeze up...
when i first started having sex with my boyfriend, he had a similar problem...both for reasons like your girlfriend's, and because we have a bit of an age difference...which made him feel like what he was doing was "wrong"
Is she dead set against seeking professional therapy for what had happened to her, afraid of some sort of stigma that may be attatched to seeing a therapist? Does she see it as strength by not relying on qualified help, or to 'not give power to the abuser' by cowerring into counselling? It seems like your the only one asking the questions and doing the research for her problems (though typically it's easier to point out someone's issues than for them to see it in themselves).
Sexual abuse is the gift that keeps on giving and won't go away on its own. Books and phone calls and online threads will only go so far, she seriously needs to seek therapy. If money is an issue, there are certainly a number of free services available in your community.
I dont really know why...Ive told her before that she should go because it will help her deal with it, and it will help keep her from having falshbacks from sex...but she doesnt see sex as important...yeah it feels good to her but it doesnt really matter to her...she has become more open about it...I mean she has talked more about it in the last two weeks than the last 8 months. So she is getting a bit better as far as admitting it happened...IDK if she will ever be willing to go though.
I think part of refusing to go to therapy has to do with the fact that her abuser was a stranger....the babysitters hubby who she had only seen once before...so by talking about it, it makes her feel helpless like during the times of abuse, and talking to a stranger only makes it worse...I mean she couldnt even tell me when it was up until our 5 month...I mean just recently I found out a bit of what he did to her...and when she first told me, she couldnt say it, she wrote it down and I was right next to her. she still has a bit of trouble telling me whats going on in her head...all she can say is flashbacks and why. (which is much better than 2 months ago.)
[quote=Ducy;196372]I dont really know why...Ive told her before that she should go because it will help her deal with it, and it will help keep her from having falshbacks from sex...but she doesnt see sex as important...yeah it feels good to her but it doesnt really matter to her...she has become more open about it...I mean she has talked more about it in the last two weeks than the last 8 months. So she is getting a bit better as far as admitting it happened...IDK if she will ever be willing to go though.
I think part of refusing to go to therapy has to do with the fact that her abuser was a stranger....the babysitters hubby who she had only seen once before...so by talking about it, it makes her feel helpless like during the times of abuse, and talking to a stranger only makes it worse...I mean she couldnt even tell me when it was up until our 5 month...I mean just recently I found out a bit of what he did to her...and when she first told me, she couldnt say it, she wrote it down and I was right next to her. she still has a bit of trouble telling me whats going on in her head...all she can say is flashbacks and why. (which is much better than 2 months ago.)[/quote]Ducy give her the phone number I gave you....then distance yourself. It takes realizing the toll on relationships to make one seek help. You can not babysit her or coddle her here...best she can expect from you is support, not lack of being a sexual being. You are going to end up with hang ups.
Either she akes action (it's anonomysis) or you step away.
Yeah I think it was just b/c you were already paranoid about not doing anything sexual so it wouldn't trigger a flashback or something... so when she did that.. sort of caught you off guard.
Your mind was already preset that this wasn't really a good thing to be doing.. so your body went along w/ it.
Well i called her this morning cuz she wasnt going to school today, and gave her the number. I pleaded with her to call...she didnt do anything at first, and I got frustrated and just kinda like stopped talking. So she called...it was pretty bad though...she could barely dial let alone talk...she was on the phone for about 5 minutes and couldnt even talk by the end cuz she was just so upset...(thank god for three way calling so i could be there even though I wasnt anywhere near her)
I feel so bad but I know its a neccessary evil. and Im glad she is trying.
Ducy - when she's finally free from this ghost - you will NOT believe the change in her! The JOY will radiate from her; she'll blaze as bright as the sun! She will enbrace life and find it glorious! Do not be surprised to find her dancing naked in thunderstorms or making snow angels. Energy and delight will pour forth in a never-ending stream.
By supporting her through this, you will have given her the greatest gift of all
FREEDOM
Yea...but at what cost EEK? She has finally told me what happened...And as of now I have to step back...cuz her sexuality is all just jumbled. Doesnt feel much attraction to guys...and she cant figure out why...and my guess the fact that everything that she liked...happened to her so she just doesnt understand how she can enjoy it.
Life is so confusing...and sexuaity is even worse.
[QUOTE=sera300;196387]Ducy give her the phone number I gave you....then distance yourself. It takes realizing the toll on relationships to make one seek help. You can not babysit her or coddle her here...best she can expect from you is support, not lack of being a sexual being. You are going to end up with hang ups.
Either she akes action (it's anonomysis) or you step away.[/QUOTE]
Is everything else going well within the realtionship? I ask only because I wonder I you feel the need to stay with her for fear of causing her further emotional trauma by leaving.
You concern of her situation sounds genuine, but you may have to be prepared to leave if it becomes apparent that she is unwilling to seek help.
Instead of indefinatly helping her to carry that baggage, help carry that baggage to its theraputic point of departure.
You can enjoy something irrespective of the past - your body can take over. But, yes, that does lead to guilt and confusion. Why counseling is so important - to help you sort it all out.
[QUOTE=machine_rat;196672]Is everything else going well within the realtionship? I ask only because I wonder I you feel the need to stay with her for fear of causing her further emotional trauma by leaving.
You concern of her situation sounds genuine, but you may have to be prepared to leave if it becomes apparent that she is unwilling to seek help.
Instead of indefinatly helping her to carry that baggage, help carry that baggage to its theraputic point of departure.[/QUOTE]
Yeah well I actually have a thread that I started a few days after this. We are taking a break. I told her to seek counseling and if she did I would stay around (like be her friend) because I couldnt stand to see her killing herself by struggling inside.
Aside from her flashbacks and stuff we are unbelievable. Our interests are the same, we have similar goals and wants in life. And we both think way ahead of our age...which is nice cuz there is no "oh well ima break up with you cuz you didnt call me yesterday." (Ive actually had that happen) :mad:
Oh and the fact taht we can spend $0.00 on a date and have the time of our lives. In fact weve spent maybe 30 bucks total in the last few months and never get bored.
Thats why I hope it works out with her, cuz its just surreal how perfect she is to me.
[quote=Ducy;196694]Yeah well I actually have a thread that I started a few days after this. We are taking a break. I told her to seek counseling and if she did I would stay around (like be her friend) because I couldnt stand to see her killing herself by struggling inside.
Aside from her flashbacks and stuff we are unbelievable. Our interests are the same, we have similar goals and wants in life. And we both think way ahead of our age...which is nice cuz there is no "oh well ima break up with you cuz you didnt call me yesterday." (Ive actually had that happen) :mad:
Oh and the fact taht we can spend $0.00 on a date and have the time of our lives. In fact weve spent maybe 30 bucks total in the last few months and never get bored.
Thats why I hope it works out with her, cuz its just surreal how perfect she is to me.[/quote]You will find over time there are many women out there where you can just have a good time with as well-enjoying their company is how I meant that. It's not half bad...but you need to try it.
I know...but still something about her always seemed to just draw me towards her. Even before we started talking and dating. Im going to try it all out, but it is hard...the thought of daring others. Love is so whacky
Oh, I don't know that love is whacky - I enjoy the inner serenity that love brings, which is how you know this really is love, but one is capable of loving more than one at a time.
[quote=Ducy;196715]I know...but still something about her always seemed to just draw me towards her. Even before we started talking and dating. Im going to try it all out, but it is hard...the thought of daring others. Love is so whacky[/quote]
Ducy: It's the fear of the unknown which you are facing. Moving out of your "comfort zone". The fear is what is whacky, not true love.
yea...i meant like its kinda amazing how you can love someone and its seems great and next thing you know...broken hearted...i guess i should have said cruel lol