First things first.

One, it is not all about pleasing her. I know, it is a guy thing to want to do this, however, it is a gal thing to want intimacy not a project for which she is the supposed benefactor.

Two, I wouldn't plan on going down on her until you learn what her boundaries are and for what she is comfortable with. Then, as will all things, you work your way along becoming more intimate as you become comfortable with yourself, each other, and, the increasing level of intimacy.

Three, we do not give orgasms away. We are all responsible for our own. All any of us can hope for is to help our partner achieve his/her own. I have written much on this topic, do an advanced search using my name and the key words: each of us is responsible.

She can have a great time with the intimacy and making out without the orgasm. As a pre-orgasmic female, she has to learn what we learned just after puberty and that is how to generate orgasms reliably and consistently. It is pretty much matter of factly for us guys, not so for women. It requires much more conscious effort and practice because they do not masturbate nearly as often. Not every girl will experience a climax, although most do. Once she learns then she can show you how to mimic her movements. Read my posts on the matter.

If her hymen is intact then poking and probing by bumping into the membrane will likely be uncomfortable. If she does not have a hymen then there may be other contributing factors that we can investigate.

As for angles, the recommended sexual position for first intercourse is with the woman superior in which the man reclines face up while the woman straddles him facing him. The reason this is the best postion is because it gives her complete control. She knows where your penis is, where her vagina is, and can easily bring the two together so you won't possibly be embarrassed by fumbling.

Second, she controls the pressure of insertion, depth, speed, and rhythm.

Many women do not get physical joy out of intercourse the first few times. Not to worry, if there is emotional joy, and, all else is OK, the physical joy will happen.

[QUOTE=jagsrocknfl;153566]Ok, thanks :) Yes, we talked about oral and she wouldnt mind trying oral or if i went down on her. But she never has fingered herself or explored at all and is very excited to have an orgasm.. should I try to convince her to play with herself if I can't get her off?[/QUOTE]

That would be an excellent idea. The more she learns about herself sexually, the more she'll be able to help you learn about her.

If I were President, we'd pass a law requiring everyone to masturbate! lol

> she never has fingered herself or explored at all and is very excited to have an orgasm.. should I try to convince her to play with herself if I can't get her off?

Every person, male and female, must make the transition from being considered "pre-orgasmic" to an orgasmic being. She has to understand that we do not give orgasms away. Each of us is responsible for our own. All any of us can hope for is to help our partner achieve his/her own. Guys typically learn to masturbate matter of factly right out of the Puberty "gate". Not so for girls who generally begin to explore and masturbate later in life--if at all.

The difference in behavior between us seems to be directly tied to the amount of Testosterone in our bodies. Girls do have this male component, although much less which is probably why they do not have the same high drive a guy exhibits. Regardless, she must learn to masturbate regularly and consistently if she is ever to experience orgasms and then to be able to guide a partner to the point of her orgasms.

Hi Will,
You have been given some good ideas and recommendations.

> she never has fingered herself or explored at all and is very excited to have an orgasm.

She should be encouraged to do both. She should know what her body looks like, how the genitals and reproductive organs function, and, what it takes to enjoy an orgasm.

Here is another bit of information that the two of you should have:

We are all born with sensitive nerve endings all over our skin, a pleasure center in the brain, and, the "wiring" (autonomic nervous system) that connects them all together. What is missing are all the millions of connections between the nerves and brain. These can be established by learning how to masturbate. This is the part that is easy for boys because right out of puberty we are driven to masturbate and as a result, build the connections. Girls/women have to make a more conscious effort to do the same thing.

Once she learns to masturbate to orgasm, she will then (like you) begin to develop a pattern of rhythms, motions, and pressures that she will then rely upon to cause an orgasm to happen reliably. The only thing left is to be able to masturbate consistently. Once she can do this, and has learned what it takes to generate orgasms, she can then begin to show you how to mimic her technique.

The same is true for you. Consider showing her how you masturbate, and then to take her hand and guide her movements several times until she learns to mimic your technique. It's a win-win situation for both of you.

I agree that you should tell her about all this. What good is it for you to know and not her. One way would be to introduce her to the Board and this thread of discussion. It sounds like she is open to explore, yet does not know the importance and reasons why. Talk with her at a time when the two of you are not about to be intimate and when you have time and will not be disturbed.

I hope all of us have been of help. Please feel free to continue the discussion should you have additional questions or concerns?

You're welcome, Will.

> I will talk to her as soon as we get some time together. So pretty much the odds of me giving her an orgasm are slim to none if she doesn't know how to have one herself?

Yup. We cannot and do not give orgasms to each other. All we can do is to stimulate each other in ways that each of us relies upon and that is why I urge the two of you (and everybody else reading this in this situation) to show your partner how you masturbate and then to take his/her hand and guide their movements a few times until they learn to mimic his/her technique.

Keep in mind that even though you can vary the way you stimulate your penis http://jackinworld.com/sitemap.html
(See: How to & Expert pages)

in order to have variety and a change, if you do not inlude your "ritual technique" then an orgasm will either not happen, or if it does, it will not be up to par. The same goes for her once she bridges the gap and learns to masturbate and enjoy orgasms.

> I will tell her this

Why not include her in the discussion and show her this thread and perhaps the Board in general. She may have questions, also, in which case she can log on and ask.

...speaking of which, do you have any more questions or concerns?

Yea, I'd back off, it is evident she has some issues about touching herself that are not at all unusual. I'd give her time to grow up, learn more about intimacy and to become more comfortable with her body and self image. At some point her curiosity about self and sex will cause her to gather more knowledge.

> So chances are im going to have to ask her how different things feel.

You can certainly do this, although you should be aware of two possible results:
1. it will disrupt the moment
2. she may view the questions as being put on the spot and an interrogation.

Now, having said this, as part of your ongoing education with sex and interpersonal relationships, you should know that communication is the cornerstone of every successful relationship, and this includes the sexual aspect, also. So, it is always a good idea to provide our partner with feedback on how we are responding to his/her caresses and for what we may need--now. Feedback can be both verbal and non-verbal. Verbal can be a whisper like "wow", "WOW", "don't stop", "more", "more...more...more", "whew", "sigh", "I like what you're doing", etc. Non-verbal are forms of body language that the two of you work out to convey specific meanings, like a squeeze of the hand or rubbing a hand faster and faster on the other persons, butt, etc. All can be done without disrupting the moment.

> Still thinking lick her clitoris and finger her?

You can do this if it is her wish; however, know that as pleasurable as all this may be, the liklihood of her having an orgasm is, as you say, slim to none. Moreover, until she tries to connect the proverbial "dots", she'll never know whether or not she is even capable; what they feel like; or, how to show you what is required on your part.

You are dealing with a young girl who has some maturing to do. This is certainly no put down of her, only to inform you of where she is in this overall process of development that will not be totally complete until around 21.

Why I say that you should back off on all this is that I find some incongruity in wanting to play with her genitals and perhaps having her play with yours while she is not yet ready for sharing the top step of a podium in Nirvana if you catch my drift. I do not recall you saying whether she is stroking you or giving you oral; if she is then turnabout is certainly fair play and she is unwilling or not ready. If she is not doing these things for you then I would not encourage her for the time being. Allow the girl more time to mature and get a handle on all this.

OK, Will,
Sounds like a plan. Just be aware that while she may understand the mechanics of fingering herself, she has yet to develop what I call the "Fine Art" of the process that is unique and special to each one of us, male and female. So, she does not necessarily know all she thinks she does.

Right now and until such time in the future that she tries to masturbate and enjoy orgasms by her own hand, you will have to consider her like about 25% of the population who for whatever reason are not able to have orgasms. With this in mind, it is still all about the intimacy and the bonding, so she can and probably will have delight in what the two of you do.

Excellent questions, Will.

> So when you say not able to have orgasms? Do you mean 25% of women are physically not capable of having an orgasm? Or that 25% of women don't know how to give themselves orgasms?

About a quarter of all women are incapable of reaching an orgasm according to Brandye.

At some point in time all girls and some women do not know how to give themselves orgasms. We fellas had to learn and did so matter-of-factly, not so for the girls for which this is a much more conscious and deliberate effort. Each person must learn for themselves how to reach an orgasm and this takes practice and some repetition. Once she learns how and can repeat the process a person is said to have made the transition from being "pre-orgasmic" to an orgasmic being. Once she has had the first orgasm she will quickly develop a routine of certain motions, rhythms, and pressures in different places that she will then rely upon just as we do that are unique and specific to her as your routine is specific to you, as it is for all the rest of us.

> Also isn't there a good chance after me trying over and over again that she will eventully have an orgasm through her guiding me?

Yes, in time most women will eventually be able to orgasm, although this can take years to accomplish. With something so important who wants to wait a decade or so?

Have you ever masturbated in front of your girlfriend as part of making out with her? If so, how did she react or accept what you did?

My reason for asking these questions is to gauge how she handles the matter of self stimulation in general, and, to try a bit of backdoor psychology on her. If she doesn't mind that you stimulate yourself once in a while during foreplay then do so occassionally even if it isn't really necessary. My reason being is that the more she sees you taking matters into your own hand so to speak the more comfortable she may become with the idea of doing the same thing herself. I dunno, yet nothing ventured, nothing gained. The side benefit to this is that you can then take her hand in yours and guide her movements for a few sessions until she learns to mimic your technique.

If she wants to know the point to all this then tell her that while she may understand the basic mechanics involved in stroking a penis there is also a "Fine Art" to doing so that is unique and specific to each person. You can go on to say that you have a technique that is comprised of certain motions, rhythms, pressures, and where and how they are applied that you have come to rely upon since learning to masturbate and that if the actions are not closely followed either an orgasm will not happen or if it does it won't be quite up to par. Therefore, you want her to learn how to pleasure you in the best way possible.

Keep in mind that you also have to provide feedback either verbally or non-verbally in order to convey to her how you are reacting to her caresses and for what you may need--now. This is a two-part process that is comprised of the other person's various caresses and your reaction to what s/he is doing in order to modulate one or more of the components or make any tiny midcourse corrections along the way.

Once she sees how this is necessary and very beneficial to you, she may be more willing to explore her own sexuality and learn to masturbate. It is certainly worth a try and you benefit either way.

If and when she ever does take the matter of self pleasuring into her own hands then encourage her to show you how she masturbates so you get some idea of what to do, and then ask her to guide your hand several times in order to mimic the technique she is or has developed and now relies upon.

In all liklihood, this girl will be one of several you date and make out with over the next few years, so please keep all this in the front of your brain for use with any future partners.

Good luck and let us know how this works for you if you decide to use this approach.

You're welcome, Will.
Sounds like you've got the situation well in hand, pun if any, intended! ;)

I sorta figured she might have a problem watching you stroke your penis. This is just a sign of some immaturity and shyness that ought to go away in time.

I still believe the information in my previous reply is worth using in order to try and make her feel more comfortable without necessarily making her really uncomfortable. If you take her hand and guide her movements and give her feedback then you benefit because girls who are new to stroking a penis quite often have rough and jerky movements. Even if she does do well, the reinforcement ought to help her come to terms with touching your- herself.