Hi everyone,
I've just started visiting this site and may I do the sucking up thing first of all and say this site is very well designed, informative, unbiased, and supportive :)
I'm also new to the forum and I have a few questions/issues i'd like to pose to you.
I've just recently lost my virginity at 23 (very late bloomer, i've been waiting for the right person). I love my girlfriend very much and can't imagine anyone else i'd rather have lost my virginity to. She's had a lot of partners in the past (some good, some bad), and also just a lot of bad experiences with guys who've treated her badly so I think she finds it very refreshing to be with a guy who treats her well :) She's a very openly sexual person and seems like the kind of person who will (and in many cases has) try everything.
But i'm finding that any time I try to give her any pleasure at all (i.e. any kind of foreplay, fingering, going down on her), she stops me from doing it. Not always, but most of the time. It's not that i'm doing it badly or anything because on the occasions she's let me do it, what i'm doing really seems to be doing the trick (plus she's taught me a few things!). When we first started fooling around I told her I wanted to wait before going all the way so she was really into the foreplay and seemed totally comfortable with me devoting lots of sexual attention to her bits. She taught me lots of things and I was doing really well at it. But now since we've gone all the way she rarely if ever lets me do that anymore (in fact she basically tries to bypass foreplay altogether). When i've asked her about it she says it's because she just feels uncomfortable when anyone pays her any kind of sexual attention like that, and that's how she's been with all her previous partners. Basically she likes to give her partner all the pleasure she can but hates getting any pleasure of her own. When I explain to her that I love doing it and that I "get off on getting her off", that I just want her to enjoy it as much as I do, she tells me that there's no rules to sex and that I shouldn't feel as if I have to get her off or anything. She tells me that foreplay to her in the past has been the amount of time it takes for her and her partner to rip each other's clothes off :) And hey quickies have their place, but I also really like lengthy foreplay just as much if not more as the act itself and I love giving her pleasure and want to build up more experience at it (as I said I an new to everything!). Do I have unrealistic expectations of what sex/foreplay should involve? I try to be gentle and undemanding about it, but lately it seems every time I try to touch her down there she closes her legs; every time I try to go down on her she pulls my head back up. It's not as if she isn't interested in sex (as I said she's very sexual), she just doesn't feel comfortable when people pay her lots of sexual attention. I've tried 69-ing to solve that because she can give me oral when I give her oral, but I find my technique not nearly as good as it is when my head's right down there between her legs and she's lying back on the bed enjoying it!
Sorry about the lenghty post but i'm just hoping you might have some advice for me, about how I can approach the matter!
Thanks heaps everyone!
you mentioned you get off on getting her off..... perhaps she is of a similar mindstate. even then its still just a matter of preference. if its really a big issue for you, converse with her on the subject. these "problems" (like all) dont just work themselves out. if she just likes intercourse most of the time..... then lucky you.
i dunno whatever.
This sounds like a psychological problem as much as anything else. You mentioned that some of her previous boyfriends treated her badly; one effect of abusive or negative relationships are that the recipients of the negative treatment begin to believe all the bad things the abuser told them. Perhaps your girlfriend doesn't feel she deserves attention or pleasure, or that you'll think that she is selfish if she isn't the giver all the time.
I still have a hard time letting my boyfriend go down on me. Usually when we are together, I get him off once or twice because of male physiology, whereas he tries to get me off as much as possible. I feel guilty, though he insists he does it because he likes it.
I think you need to continue talking to her about it - tell her that it helps you get off seeing her happy. If it continues, and the relationship is serious enough that you really want to help her, suggest counseling. It may seem drastic, but I am a big believer in therapy. (I plan on becoming a psychologist) She may have mental and emotional hang-ups that she needs to get over before she can allow herself to be loved by a nice guy like you seem to be.