this goes out to any man that can help (or woman I suppose). My b/f of 4 1/2 years just told me I am selfish in bed and that I always just assumed he liked it. We are definetly not stuck in the traditional and we have experimented quite a bit, but I guess I'm doing something wrong. I did think he was happy but now that I know he's notI feel lower than s***. I don't know what to do.When I think about sex now I just get really depressed and start to cry. I assumed he was happy because I thought we were really open in our sex life/and talking about it and he never said anything. He says there's nothing I can do which makes me feel even worse. I feel like a failure and like I haven't been pleasing him at all in our entire relationship. I don't want my sex life to go away and I want him to be happy but right now I can't get past feeling like I want to curl up in a little ball and hide. Please help, if anyone can help I'd appreciate it. thnks.
Thu, 05/26/2005 - 21:38
#1
feeling inadequate
I think those before me have keen insight.
I would almost say HE was being selfish in his attitude in his words of "you just assume I always like it."
Please don't be a victim in this and think it is all your fault when what I see at first reading is a deterioration of communication on his part that he wants to propagate and rationalize is your inadequacy to let him off the hook.
I'm with Rawbob on this one. It sounds to me like he's making excuses for why the two of you won't work out.
The fact that you seems so upset by this (as well as the fact that you had the courage to find someplace to ask for help) really doesn't sound like someone who is "selfish".
Before I say any more (what I'm thinking isn't very flattering to him), I'd also like to hear more about the relationship in general...
Well, there is some great advice in the prior replies......so i'll actually addres WHAT he said to you!
Something just dosn't jive when i read your post. He told you that after 4+ years together that you are SELFISH (i'm assuming sexually selfish) and that there "is nothing you can do to fix it."
I would like to know a bit more about how he defines selfish. I'm sure he gave examples, so that would be important. I mean, selfish is pretty vague.
That said, i'm almost more concerned that he said there is nothing you can do to change. I"m assuming he's addressing your overall personality. This makes me think there is A LOT more going on here then just your sexual relationship.
No one who really cares for you would ever say such things if there weren't more issues behind it!
In order for us to help, you need to tell us more about what he really said, how he said it, examples, and anything else you can add that will give us more of a feel for whats going on!
Can you help us out?
If he is giving you geralized negative feedback, that does not give any possibility of improvement. If he tells something specific, you can do something about it. It is very possible that he is simply getting bored and setting you up for ending things. Ask him.
The book Joy of Sex has been republished. Get a copy and go through it together. If that does not improve things, only a change of partner will. Good luck, Love.
Anytime your partner says something like that it will hurt. I do wish he would have said it in a more gentle manner. Him saying that there is nothing you can does not seem realistic, if he says that you're selfish, then there has gotta be soemthing that you could do.You have a choice now. You can tell him that you didn't know cause he never told you and that what he said really hurt. That mgith start a fight though. You can also buck up and sit him down and say soemthing in effect of, while what you said and the way you said it hurt me and made me feel insecure, I want to resolve this to the satisfaction of us both. Tell him that you will listen and not judeg him, and just tell you everything that he feels. Tell him that you are open to siggestion and that you would like to know what things you can do, try or change to make it better for both of you. LEt him talk and listen, and after he is done saying everything that he has to say, discuss what he said and figure out a way that both of you would be happy. Resist the urge to cry, or to smack him with a frying pan, and I hope you resolve it.
I am sorry to hear about your problem. Its not really your fault tho. I mean how were you supposed to know if he never said anything?!?
Did he specifically say what it was that you do/did that he dislikes or whatever??
I mean there has to be SOMETHING you can do or change