Very complicated relationship ...need advice

[nota]

I met a girl afew months back, & it was pretty straight-forward at first... we started dating & very soon realised that we had something very rare, a very intimate bond... & we started to feel that we would be together for a long time.. it was a great feeling

However, early on in the relationship, my girlfriend broke down crying in my arms, telling me she had something to confess... I expected something horrible, like she only had a month to live, or something along those lines, but i was surprised when she told me that she was living with her 'ex boyfriend' (i'm not sure how 'ex' he was though)
She had told me "I'm not going out with him anymore, i sleep on the sofa, but he just doesn't get it..."
This set off alot of alarm bells for me... I knew this was a BIG error on her part, to lead this guy on, but i chose to ignore my gut instinct, that maybe this girl was trouble

It's worth mentioning that she has a 5-year old son. So when i asked her "Why not just leave the guy? Maybe move in with a friend, until you find something long-term?" She said she couldn't afford to, she felt as though she was selling her soul to this guy, but keeping a roof over her son's head was her priority. I respected that, & things kept going fine...
Of course, this guy she was living with was reading her text messages... He freaked out at her, so naturally we agreed to call it quits...

This lasted for a week. There was an awkward encounter where we passed in the street, & she called me later that night. She wanted to be with me, & she said she was in love with me... i was starting to let my guard down, & had fallen for her too...
Then her 'ex' discovered she was still seeing me, so we agreed to take another longer break, that we both saw a future for us, & that someday we could be together...
I couldn't stop trying to contact her, though, & i started to 'bombard' her with emails...
I asked her if we could meet up, just so i could have some clarity on the issue, but she said nothing, & i was devastated by the way things were going.

On the point of nervous breakdown, I sent her an angry text saying that i was exhausted from stressing over her, & that she had communication issues. She simply replied (for the first time in a month) "i'm sorry. Bye" & then when i tried to call her several times "i'll lose everything if whats-his-name finds out i'm talking to you. I'm sorry i hurt you. It hurts me too..."
& i was PISSED, feeling that i had been screwed over big time...
Several angry messages later, i realised that i wanted things to end smoothly, & to be on good terms´with her... we still haven't spoken & i think it's time to call it quits & move on, but part of me feels that deep down, things would have gone differently if i had been patient...
I know 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' typical psychological no-no's,
but i'm hurting so much, wondering if i did the right thing by tellling her i was done...

[raunchy gal]

Yes you did do the right thing.Someone told me this recently "Set it free,if it comes back to you,it was meant to be.If it doesn't it was never meant to be".He did the same thing as you.He loved the woman,but she didn't love herself,and he had to constantly reassure her.Till it got to the point that he realised that if he didn't set her free so that she could put her past behind her (she'd had an abusive husband)that their relationship would turn them against each other.It was a very one sided relationship,and also a long distance one.She tried,she really did but her insecurities wore him down to the point that he had to call it quits.It will hurt,but in the long run,you'll realise that you made the right decision.

[nota]

Thanks for the reassurance.. I really really appreciate it

[raunchy gal]

Not a problem.Btw that lady was me.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay, first realize that YOUR judgement "leading this guy on", "screwed over big time" and so forth is BS. Then you committed the error of bombarding her with e-mails etc. - aka "spilling your guts" which is always a BAD move. (I don't know where you got this idea that men are weak but you have to change that thought.)

All you did was hand her your insecurities and made them her problem. YOU are responsible for YOUR emotions - no one else, just YOU.

Likewise, you can NOT 'rescue' anyone else - so stop trying to. Either the lady cleans up her own mess or she's not the lady for you.

Next, a "few months" is NOT enough time to "fall in love". All you had was INFATUATION. Be advised that true love takes time - as in years - to develop. And let's get rid of this "its meant to be". NOTHING is ever "meant to be". The operations of the universe are completely unaware and uncaring about you and your existence. What happens happens because you MADE it happen. Past choices, the particular circumstances of each decision, and others involved all conspire to make your reality. There are no supernatural agents waving magic wands, PLANG!, making it "all better".

As you now know - this lady hadn't yet cleaned up her own mess so you were right to bail out of the relationship.

[nota]

EvilEvilkitten..
Thanks for the feedback!

-I know things are never 'meant to be', there's no god and all that

It works, or it doesn't, & some things just don't last, but there was real potential there, that's all...
I wasn't trying to 'rescue her' as you put it, & i know she was the only one who could fix her own mess, but i just wanted to talk with her & have a clearer idea about what she wanted. Whether she wanted me to just wait, or whether she wanted me to move on. It's difficult to do so when i wasn't hearing anything, in response to my efforts at just simply talking about it...

I also agree with what you're saying about "handing her my insecurities", & that my emotions are my own. I know that all too well, & I'm not blaming her in the slightest for how i felt. I take full responsibility for my feelings/actions... I've have been beating myself up non-stop for not handling things differently...

P.S. What do you mean by "I don't know where you got this idea that men are weak but you have to change that thought" ...i don't think i said anything about being weak.

[dancingdoc2]

Nota, Bena,

You are partially on the right track, yet, some of your actions are not correct.

As I see it your biggest problem is you. I recommend that you familiarize yourself with the Index found at the top of the main screen and read the articles under the dating section.

You are investing your emotions much too soon and much too intensely into this burgeoning relationship. It is as if you have already decided that she is "your" girlfriend and the relationship is closed. This attitude and behavior is what gets people, especially teens, into trouble emotionally with all the drama and trauma that need not be. Better to date openly and not be so possessive so soon. Date two or more people at a time, or, be flexible and able to switch from one person to the next in line, all the while learning about each other and whether or not there is sufficient compatibility and interest to that the relationship to a deeper level. You are rushing these steps way too fast in my never to be so humble opinion.

My recommendation is to wait for this woman to get her life in order, all the while learning to live on her own {without man or prior emotional baggage). Rebound relationships rarely work long term. If your involvement with this woman and her son is to be, then, let it take its time. Stop pushing. Stop with all the E-mails. Simply inform her that you will be there when the time is right for her. In the meantime, play the field and date others--non-exclusively at first.

Dating should be fun and fun in the beginning, while you explore and learn about each other. Dating is not about finding "ownership" in a girl and building a life in the beginning.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The whole "leading me on" and "screwing me over big time" says "men are weak" as in "easily led". I will admit that some men can be outrageously beguiled by some women which indicates a certain level of weakness. Thinking with the wrong head, you know how that is, I'm sure.

You invested way too much way too soon in this relationship - indicative of weakness, not strength. You rushed into it. Then you went and pushed, you applied pressure, you demanded she respond to you. You badgered her. Weakness again.

This relationship is over. Do not wait for her. Do not send her any more e-mails, etc. Let the lady go.

Get out there and date as many women, simultaneously, as you can talk into it. I am not saying this is easy, but it can be fun as long as you do not invest all you are into the first woman you run across.

[dancingdoc2]

> Get out there and date as many women, simultaneously, as you can talk into it. I am not saying this is easy, but it can be fun as long as you do not invest all you are into the first woman you run across.

...or the second, third, etc.

While dating may be about finding a (potential) mate, the process is mostly about having someone in your life to do things with and with whom to have fun. The more people you have in your life, the more dates you can have and the more variety there will be.

While doing all this, you can learn about each other.

DATING IS NOT ABOUT GOING ON A FEW DATES, DECIDING YOU LIKE THIS PERSON, AND THEN DECLARING HER/HIM TO BE YOUR GIRL- BOYFRIEND EXCLUSIVELY. This should come much later in the process if it comes at all.

The above scenario sets up the potential for failure because two people who like each other decide to become a couple by dating each other exclusively in the hope of falling in love and making the relationship work. Quite frankly, people, this is placing the cart before the horse.**

What dating is all about is finding people with whom to socialize frequently or regularly--to be able to go out and participate in an event, together, rather than by yourself. Next, and over time, you can evaluate whether or not you and someone else get along well, enjoy the pleasure of each other's company, and have similar interests and goals. If you do, then you zero in on one or two people not yet to the exclusion of any/all others; rather, moving likely candidates to the top of your list of people to date.

While doing all these things with other people, you can use the times together to nurture closer bonds. Some people may fall by the wayside, some may not, one or two will hang around to explore a deeper relationship.

** Before exclusivity comes into being, each of you should already be falling in love, or have fallen in love. The difference in the two approaches is the first one hopes to force compatibility into being; while the second, allows the process to evolve on its own without all the emotional baggage of "ownership" that comes with exclusivity. If this is to happen, it will, naturally, not because it is forced and contrived out of some need to belong, or to be seen with someone on your arm all the time.

Had your relationship with this woman been open and not exclusive, you could have dated one or more other people, also; had other people to do things with, and be able to reap all the benefits of socializing with others with varying degrees of intimacy, all without the drama and trauma you have subjected yourself to.

Being "needy" demonstrates immaturity. Bugging people with multiple phone calls in a day, leaving multiple messages in a day, would turn a lot of people off to you. If you desire to have a person return your telephone call, leave a message--do not call back umpteen times. Once is sufficient!

Bombarding a person with multiple E-mails on the same subject is equally annoying. Do this to me and your address will be marked as "SPAM ready for deletion" and the likelihood of me seeing any more messages is slim to nil.

Bottom line: what we are recommending is that you (and others) should be developing friendships with more than one person at a time, developing emotional intimacy with one or more others if it is to be, all without setting yourself up for disappointment before there is cause. If you want a girlfriend, then nurture the friendship over time in an open environment in which both of you can date others. If you do, fine; if you do not; fine. My point being, when you are ready for exclusivity, all the pieces to make the relationship work should have been met and put into place, first. Your way and that of so many others, particularly teens, is to declare that you are boyfriend and girlfriend and then attempting to force the relationship to work. When it does not, then you have drama and trauma because all your emotional baggage invested in one person, instead of several friends.

[nota]

dancingdoc2

I agree with everything you said in the above post... I think i certainly made afew 'textbook' mistakes.
Yes, they are surely teenage mistakes. I'm sure alot of people go through similar things, as part of the learning process, but i feel that my experience came a little later than i would have hoped!

I'm 24 years old (been with enough women by now to understand a little about compatibility) & this was the first one who i 'clicked' with in a certain way... I know i invested too much, too soon... & that was my error!
Due to afew years of hospitalization from the age of 14-18 (worst time to be removed from society) I inevitably missed out on a crucial time of learning & the developement of my social/interpersonal skills.
However, the problems of my past are just that. In my past!
Due to those circumstances though, I''ve had alot of catching up to do...

-I'm sure this girl had been lying to me about some things... & this added fuel to my self-perpetuating spiral of worry
I really should have called her out on this, when i sensed i was being lied to, but i didn't. Again, my bad!
With some forsight, i would have broken thingsa off way sooner.
So.. accepting that i put in too much effort (badgering etc.)
I still think that it's fair to say she played her part in the end of this relationship...
It takes 2 to tango, as they say, & blaming myself entirely for this seems unrealistic & completely pointless.

I set myself up for this in afew ways, but i have (hopefully) learned something from it, & i'm sure i'll find somebody else with a similar 'connection' one day. I won't try & push it along the next time though...
Thanks again for all the feedback, & advice

-Paul