People who do not want to hear me ranting, do not read further.
Anyway, I'm tired of people saying things like "I won't do this if she can't do the same".
What is this unspoken law during sex that says you and your partner have to do exactly the same things ? If someone is not comfortable with oral or anything, DO NOT try to spoil their fun by not doing so (this applies to you too women !).
So that's the rule of the bed heh ? An eye for an eye ? What is this, the middle ages ?!
I know it's not the majority who thinks like that but sincerly, those few who do must rethink their conception of sex and intimity, understand that because he or she wants something, it doesn't force the other to do the same.
I mean, if my girlfriend didn't wanted to give me head, well fine ! She'll do it when she's ready but I'm not gonna stop giving her oral because of that.
Humpf.
My two cents. Feel free to argue, I'd like to hear other point of views and talk about it.
*Head down, toe scratching in the dirt*
Aw, shucks, Kath!
I always look forward to reading Wally's replies. He is so very good has great insight and is so very funny, and truthful. LOL
Good job Wally. Kath
Interesting topic... I know I've posted a perspective on this topic in another thread, but can't remember where.
It's unfortunate that most instances where this question comes up, it's really not about oral sex. It's about power and control and the relationship between the two people.
One of my favorite quotes is that love isn't about looking into each other's eyes, it's about looking in the same direction. That implies agreement, shared values, and a desire to travel together.
I think that's what Ash is describing, in a way. At some point in a relationship, one hopes sex is based on love... not some bartering system. Love means wanting your partner to feel and experience things. In the ideal situation, you both want each other to have the maximum pleasure and you set aside some of your own preferences and biases to achieve that.
I know in my own history I have "learned" to enjoy things I didn't think I would because they were important to my partner. My desire to please my partner overcame my own inhibition. I've also learned to "supress" certain desires in certain situations. (Whether sexual or not!)
At the same time, there's room for playfulness and "trading." I will never forget sitting with some friends in a bar one night... one of the gals was complaining about hubby never doing anything around the house... she said she was going to resort to offering him a slow BJ if he'd paint the hall ceiling. Three guys (and one woman) jumped to their feet and said, "What color would you like?"
It was pretty funny, but don't miss the point. If he wasn't about to paint the hall ceiling to make her happy, he probably didn't care much about her sexual pleasure either.
Oh, for those who are wondering: off-white.
As I said before, I think the important question that needs answering in these cases is "Why won't they do {whatever}?" Now this isn't personal experience, but I have heard men make the same comments about going down on a woman that some men make about anal sex. They feel like it's somehow demeaning to them. Which I really don't get...
Now if it turns out there is some other issue (and I'm really NOT trying to be gross here) like taste or smell, then there are remedies for those issues. For women... feminine sprays, flavored lubes, etc...
I'd really try to talk it out and find out exactly what his issue is. Then see if you can't reach a compromise.
Ashes: I'm not trying to antagonize or flame you... but who was the initial post aimed at...? Have people here been giving the advice to "not do it unless it's done to you...?"
Just curious, because you initially seemed agitated about the topic and I was curious as to what spawned it.
I also agree that sex should not be about witholding pleasure until pleasure is received... but there's the FLIP side of thinking that I follow that if she is doing more to/for me... then it makes me instinctively WANT to do more for/to her in-return.
Love (and sex) is giving & taking. Not always at the same time, but in the long-run. If it's all one-way, then it will deteriorate and one (or both) will be unhappy in their sex life.
No offense taken at all, I appreciate that you ask.
Nah, I'm not aiming this post at anyone in particular, I've just read many posts (On many websites) who presented sex like some kind of sick mercantilism (I'm giving you this but expecting in return something else) instead of the "I'm doing what I want and so do you".
The 13th Tease is right, compromise can be a huge step forward.
I guess where the problem is your our vision of love. For you, it might be "Giving and taking" but I just feel it's wrong to expect anything in return. I mean, if you start expecting things from your partner then one day or another you'll be disappointed so I take each of my girlfriend's initatives as a good surprise.
Still, everyone's take on life and love is different, don't think I believe everyone should see things my way, as I said, I'm just ranting.
I suggest the compromise thing. Seriously.
There HAS to be something out there he wants that you haven't given him.
So work on the whole, well, I'll try this, if you try oral on me. If you don't like it and don't ever want to do it again, that's fine. Atleat you tried it.
That's what worked for me.
Well, if he REALLY doesn't want to do what you want, consider divorce ! Nah...
We're all different and I believe it's sortof impossible to compel every lover you've ever had in your life to have sex with you "the way you want it". It's perfectly normal for a guy not to like "passiveness", none should feel offended by that, it's a personal preference.
The best in such solutions would probably be to help the partner overcome his fears or beliefs (like thinking a blowjob is only done by prostitutes). Some kind of home therapy I guess. IF not, then consider "Real" therapy. Words bear a stronger impact that actions ever would in sex.
Sex is about feeling good for both sides, I can't just say "Maybe you don't like it but since I did it for you, you must do it, pleasant or not".
I don't pretend for an universal answer to all couple problems or anything, I'm just saying some things feel wrong.
First let me say that I don't agree with using sex(or lack of) to get back at your partner for something. Having said that, I do have a question. What do you do when you have a partner who enjoys recieving oral sex, but thinks performing oral on a woman is gross, and won't even try it once? There have been conversations regarding this very issue, and the response has been, I'll try it when you least expect it. 5 years have passed, and realistically, I don't see it ever happening. Any advice? Or should I forget the whole issue.
I tend to agree with the prevailing sentiment... with provisions..lol. I feel that if your partner won't at least try something to make you happy, then there is a control issue going on in the relationship.
A "for instance". As a gay man, I've, of course, run accross men who aren't interested in being- hmm... how to put this...- being passive in anal sex. "Passive" really isn't the right concept but is that clear? Now, this is fine with me... providing they have a good reason. Sorry, but I don't feel "I just don't want to..." gets it. To me, that carries overtones of "I find it demeaning..." or "It makes me less of a man..." I'll gladly accept "It's uncomfortable", "I don't enjoy it" or "It just bloody well HURTS!" It's not that I necessarily WANT to, I just want to know I COULD...
I agree with everyone here too. I don't think it should be an either or at all. I do think you should put forth every effort to please your partner and give them what makes them happy. But if you have tried and just can't then the partner needs to accept it without witholding or anger.
I don't think that withholding in order to coerce your partner to give oral is a very upstanding action, but i believe that if one partner does happen to be willing and happy to give oral, the other should at least give it a try once or twice. But hey, some people are just selfish. that can't be helped. it's not gonna keep me from keeping on licking
I pretty much feel the same.
I think that just because you don't get oral, doesn't mean you shouldn't give it to your partner.
Personally, I think if you stop doing something because your partner doesn't, it'd kinda dig you in a hole. Your partner would become annoyed at you and well, no one likes an annoyed partner in bed cause if they're annoyed, they're sure not gonna get into it much.
I do however believe in compromises. Don't stop what you're already doing, but, work on something that says I'll try this if you try that.
That worked for me. Oral was not something my partner did. But he wanted anal sex and I wasn't an anal sex person. So we worked onthe "i'll do anal, if you eat me out" thing and really, it wasn't a bad experience for either of us.
If you compromise, both of you just might like it.