How's my writing

[katelynn]

Keep in mind this is a draft of a book I'm writing.

Fitting In

Chapter 1

"Anna wake up, you have school today."
"Anna get up you're gonna be late."
"ANNA!"
"Yes mom!" I shrieked, jumping out of bed. I hated this. It was everything I could do to stay peaceful here and they expect me to go to school? I looked at the clock, shit I was late so I took off my top and bra while running through the hall to the bathroom. I reared the corner taking off my pants and underwear, God I hoped the door wasn't locked. I tried the knob, damn locked. I banged on the door. "What the hell stop banging mom." Oh so my sister beat me. "It's not mom it's me Anna."
"You're gonna be late."
"I got that open the door." I growled losing my patience. I heard a click, I rushed through the door and closed it quick. "Hey Anna." My older sister Keiko said with just a bit to much jubilee to make it innocent. I checked the room I must've been wrong. "Hey Keiko." I practically mouthed the words, they were so faint. "I gotta take a shower. Mind makin' sure no one barges in."
"Okay" She said as if ending the conversation. I turned the water on and got in, "So," That quite didn't last long "Anna, you glad to be going to a boarding school?"
"Well it beats living here any day."
"Guess that's true. I'll miss you while you're gone." Why the hell was she bein nice today?
I turned off the water three minutes later. I ran back to my room naked, wet, and confused. Getting dress was a pain, I had to match everything including my hair. I decided to wear a pink skirt, with pink top, black leggings, and a black jacket which had sleeves down to my wrist but the waist went only right below my breasts. Then I just got on pink socks and boat shoes.
I love how it all matches my pink hair perfectly, even my eyes matched but they're blue like my nails. It took us five hours to get to the school. We arrived on the campus and the headmaster came over to us.

[katelynn]

I woke up with an alarm blaring. Great now I'm gonna be deaf for the rest of my life. We all went to the auditorium. The eadmaster ordered squads 1-50 to form ranks. Christi told me to follow her and keep close. The squad leader, Harrison, took role. "Hintaro Mijan"
"Here."
"Don't say here people I have the shinigami's eyes." He explained "Tatsune Mato, Christi Edgewood, an american finally, Yuri Esan, Daniel Cheskov, Pierre Garçon, Anna Freggit... hmm i don't see her." He stopped to look at the paper then the crowd by him. "Sir."
"Yes."
"I'm Anna Freggit."
"Ha I don't think so."
"I'm adopted Esalda is my true last name."
"Ok. Lindsey Strenim. Good let's go." We all hurried to a big room untill they called squad one. We then ran out to a yard where we were handed swords. A portal opened, ok thiis school is wack. We walked through the portal and saw this huge, red, smelly, creature. "Swords out squad one! Everyone fight as best you can." Three hours passed and all of the squads but the leader of squad two and Harrison were left strong enough to fight. Then the squad two leader lost his head. That demon thing was gonna kill us all. Well then it got intresting. A spirit-like being came right in front of me and said "Protect the Asis. He is our only hope." The spirit thing then went in me and I felt energized again. I grabbed a sword and charged. I cut the demon in half in one stroke, everything froze, BOOM! A huge amount of energy surged away from the demon knocking me about twenty yards. I woke up in my dorm, my squad looking at me. "What, I did what I thought was necessary."
"You permanantely killed the soul of that demon are you all right?" Harrison asked shocked. "Yea I was told by a spirit to protect the Asis. So I attacked the demon why?"
"Well first off the second I saw you blood was spattering through your back as if you were stabbed. Second off thank you for saving me the Asis of Light and to this I make thee Anna Michelle Esalda, Asis of Death.

[katelynn]

"Well that sounds dreary, I'd prefer not."
"It's not dreary you just get second in command status."
"Oh off this squad?"
"You're no mythic are you?"
"Nope."
"Do you accept?"
"Yes."
The next few days were great and I had the powers of a sage with added bonuses too. I used my new ability to find new things and people. I then started dueling people, I always won. Then, it happened.
After it nothing was the same, I didn't care as much. Then, they came. The High Council came to me and Harrison because I was human in decent. I assured them I was more than human after charming my powers to me. They took my powers and told me to cast a hex, I did so perfectly so they let me keep my new status. That was the last good here.


WAIT FOR THE REST TO COME OUT IN STORES NEAR YOU (may take a couple years)

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by katelynn

Keep in mind this is a draft of a book I'm writing.

Fitting In

Chapter 1

"Anna wake up, you have school today."
"Anna get up you're gonna be late."
"ANNA!"
"Yes mom!" I shrieked, jumping out of bed.

Mom

I hated this.

Please clarify "this".

It was everything I could do to stay peaceful here and they expect me to go to school?

Replace "everything" with "all"

I looked at the clock, shit

Replace the four letter expletive with a more appropriate exclamation.
Place whatever word you choose inside quotes.
Follow the exclamation with: ..., I exclaimed!....

I was late so I took off my top and bra while running through the hall to the bathroom. I reared the corner taking off my pants and underwear, God I hoped the door wasn't locked.

Is "reared" an English term or a wrong word?
The American English term is "rounded"....

Clarify and separate your actions from your thoughts: "God, I thought", or, "God, I hope the door isn't locked", or, "as I was taking off my pants and underwear I was hoping the door wasn't locked."

I tried the knob, damn locked.

When I grabbed and attempted to turn the knob, I found it locked from the inside--"damn!"

I banged on the door.

"What the hell stop banging mom."

"mom", as a proper name should be capitalized.

Oh so my sister beat me.

Are you injured? "beat me", how?
If she beat you into the bathroom, clarify this by saying so.

"It's not mom it's me Anna."


Mom,

add a comma

"You're gonna be late."

...said Anna, or, Anna said....

"I got that open the door." I growled losing my patience.

Check punctuation

I heard a click, I rushed through the door and closed it quick. "Hey Anna." My older sister Keiko said with just a bit to much jubilee to make it innocent. I checked the room I must've been wrong.

Replace the contraction with "must have"

Why did she check what room?

"Hey Keiko." I practically mouthed the words, they were so faint. "I gotta take a shower. Mind makin' sure no one barges in."

Replace period with a question mark

"Okay" She said as if ending the conversation.

she

I turned the water on and got in, "So," That quite didn't last long "Anna, you glad to be going to a boarding school?"

What did not last long? This statement needs clarification.

that...
are you glad


"Well it beats living here any day."

"Guess that's true. I'll miss you while you're gone." Why the hell was she bein nice today?

Again please clarify and separate conversation from thoughts.

I turned off the water three minutes later. I ran back to my room naked, wet, and confused.

omit "three"

Explain or clarify why you were confused.

Getting dress was a pain, I had to match everything including my hair.

dressed
because I had....

I decided to wear a pink skirt, with pink top, black leggings, and a black jacket which had sleeves down to my wrist but the waist went only right below my breasts. Then I just got on pink socks and boat shoes.
I love how it all matches my pink hair perfectly, even my eyes matched but they're blue like my nails. It took us five hours to get to the school.

Separate with a new paragraph

We arrived on the campus and the headmaster came over to us.

The last sentence is awkward as written. Try:

"Upon arriving on..."
"After arriving on..."

Explain why the headmaster came over. The statement is incomplete.

---

Kat, your conversational writing style is relaxed, although, this form of writing if not done carefully can be very difficult to follow. You know what you saying, however, you have to bring the reader who has no inside information along with you and this requires adding some explanations as noted.

I hope this is of help.

-doc

[Brandye]

Please, let us not begin teaching composition. Perhaps, Kate, a creative writing course would be appropriate if your basic English skills are up to standards.

[NagyApu]

I agree with Brandye that a creative writing course would be in order. Let me note that there are a number of quite reasonable books about writing Young Adult fiction -- check your public library.

The problem with critiquing the work of an aspiring writer is the balance between helpful comments and discouragement. That is why a class situation is so appropriate.
In any fiction writing, you the author, need to know your characters. Is Anna being sent to this school because the alternative is a juvenile detention facility, or because her grandmother bestowed many million bucks on the school, or because owls have been dropping letters down the chimney?

Over all I would say that the story moves too fast with too few specific details. Go back to your favorite books and try to see how much specific detail is given in the opening sections. What do people look like? How do they feel about each other? How are their surroundings described.

Writing is a long and often painful process -- You are to be commended for undertaking it, but you need to understand that it is a process -- one of constant self criticism and revision.

[hot-texan]

there are quite a few grammatical and spelling errors, but a good checker will catch many of those.

The conversational style get's confusing. Keep conversations in seperate paragraphs from the descriptive writing for ease of reading. You also include lots of details about things that don't matter so much. We know all about her getting out of bed and what she's wearing, but very little about how or why she killed the spirit. The physicality of locations seem to jump around too quickly too. In just the short bit you've already written she's in 3 different places. When making that transition, give some rhyme or reason and start a new paragraph.

I agree that a creative writing class is in order.
Story writing should draw the reader in and compel them to keep reading. Don't be too wordy up front and skip the small details until later in the story after the reader feels invested in the story.

Start by trying to write a short story about something you've experienced and make it half fiction. Keep the entire story under 10 pages. The other thing you'll learn in creative writing is that ADJECTIVES can make a break a story. Don't just kill the demon, kill the dark-hearted smoke-shrouded demon with the evil red glowing eyes.

[katelynn]

Ok well first off Brandye until today I've liked you, I prefer to be called Kat. Now that that's out of the way, I say thank you all for you'r input. I would agree that I have nearly 100 grammatical mistakes, 321 to be exact. I actually have only 310 in my copy in front of me. This was just three randomly selected pieces so the flow, is fast. The excerpts do line up in chronology like she went to sleep, woke up, killed demon. They come within many chapters of each other. The excessive details on outfit is common in about 50% of YA books that are albeit better than what I can do (James Patterson does this in his famous Maximum Ride series) and is way to hard to try to be better than them, as they are freaking geniouses (i spelt it wrong on purpose). I don't mind getting hammered with corrections though. I know my writing isn't perfect (never will be) but noones is (In the first maximum ride book there are over 1,000 grammatical mistakes in the first 40 pages) so yea grammar problem cause I'm asian and I come from Japan so American Expressionism and idioms are kinda new to me. Dancing doc due to the pause in dialogue and detailing there was a implied end of conversation the clarification is not need (just checked a maximum ride book and that type of pause is there) and yes I should read the dictionary front to back but i won't I'm only 21 wheras most authors are over 40 so I have so long to go. oh by the way i have fixed errors not actually completely rewrite the book (I almost did though till i remembered I saved it to a word document) I handwrote it AND typed it.

[katelynn]

after I posted the drafft i reread it and was all howd i make that mistake again. and i hate how the forum here brings all txt back to the beginning line so i cant indent, its sooooooooo annoying. well yes i proof read it for my self after posting the excerpts and was floored at the amount of minor mistake like "dress" should be "dressed" but i relize that my keybord is actin up a bi thes days it sometimes doesn put a letter in sometmes so yea it happens. and being young its fine i will get this published by the way. it will be hard and i will have to work i spent my time this morning and afternoon writing finished first draft and proofed it once fixed those mistakes i havent evn brused my hair well im gonna brush my hair and feed my dog now so ariva derchi (watever that means)

[katelynn]

well my hair is in one seemngly long knot and im on draft 53 hope you know that lol these excerpts were purposely from an earlier draft caue due t legal concerns i cant let you see any of the current drafft and seeing how from draft 40-53 is all my punctuation only mistakes i still have like 100 grammar mistakes in the book in whole 300 in the whole book thats good. but im no editor may be more sending it in for check on if it will pass.