little bit of humour

[aussiegal]

A bloke was walking down the street in Las Vegas when a hooker came over and offered him a handjob for $1000. "A grand for a hand job? It can't possibly be worth that much!" said the bloke.
The prossie pointed down the street and said, "DO you see those three McDonld's? I own them because I give handjobs that are well worth $1000."
The bloke had won big on the pokies, so thought "What the hell?' and took her to a hotel room. She gave him the most amazing orgasm of his life using nothing but her hand.
Afterwards the bloke said "I suppose a blowjob is even more expensive."
The hooker went to the window, pointed to a casino and said," I charge $5000 for a blowjob and i own that casino because i give blowjobs worth $5000."
He was up for it, so the hooker gave him a mind-blowing gobbie that left him gasping for air.
Finally, the bloke asked how much she charged for a root, and the hooker gazed at the city skyline.
"Don't tell me, you ownn the whole of Las Vegas," said the bloke.
"No," said the hooker, "but i would if i had a pussy."


aussiegal

[aussiegal]

A Hippie got on a bus and sat next to a hot nun. after a few minutes the hippie asked the nun if she'd be interested in a root, but she politely declined and got off at the next stop.
"I can let you in on a way to nail that nun," the bus driver told the hippie afterwards."she prays at her mums grave at midnight every Tuesday. Dress up in a white robe and a glow-in-dark mask, go to the cemertery and pretend to be god. Then you can order her to **** you."
The next Tuesday night the hippie got dressed up, went to the cemetery and leapt in front of the nun. "I am God! I have heard your prayers and will answer them, but first we must joined as man and women," he bellowed.
The nun consented, but asked him to do her up her back passage so she could maintain her virginity in the eyes of the chruch. the hipie gave her one up the arse, then ripped off his mask and shouted. " Ha ha! i'm not god, i;m that hippie you knocked back!"
The nun turned around, pulled off her habit and said, "Ha ha! I'm the bus driver!"

aussiegal

[-wittyphrasehere-]

Rather crude and long, but funny.

Here's one; "Sometimes I lay on my hand until I can't feel it and masturbate myself with it. I call it "the stranger"'.

Yeah, don't try that one at home, kids.

[aussiegal]

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

[Maximilian]

its one thing if your girl falls asleep during sex,
but its another when your hand falls asleep when whackin' off

[-wittyphrasehere-]

Originally Posted by Maximilian

its one thing if your girl falls asleep during sex,
but its another when your hand falls asleep when whackin' off

Read that post a bit more carefully and have a think.

[aussiegal]

Pharmacist Phun

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[aussiegal]

here's one

F U C K

tell her to come home.

kandi