Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

[LyingAwake]

I saw this last year, I think it's hilarious...

[moose_hd]

I find it useful to view the Bible as "historical fiction" myself.

[ShadowLynnParker]

The bible leaves burn marks on my hands. dr. Laura is a radio personality. She is in the field of entertaining. I wouldn't take her that seriously. I bought a canadian for ten bucks and got less for him in the states. Where is Dr. Laura now???

[nursefluffykins]

hey! canadians are up way more in value in the last couple of years (not the place to start a debate on Bush and the economy, im just saying a fact about the value of the canadian dollar lol...)... and we're not afraid to do it in the cold

[adam]

You guys don't want to own Canadians. We're so high maintenance it would put most of Hollywood to shame.

[AptPupil]

Anybody heard of the new testament?? All the laws changed.

[adam]

Originally Posted by AptPupil

Anybody heard of the new testament?? All the laws changed.

Is it now easier for a rich man to get into heaven than for a Canadian to pass through the eye of a needle?

[champloo]

rofl, probably...XD

meh, the writer has a good point. but in the new testament, the laws DID change, as Jesus then died on the cross for our transgressions and rose again.

soz if i offend any jews out there ( my gf is jewish, so i sometimes accidentaly offend her if i say something like this, and i dont know if i do the same to anyone else) or anyone else.

[Iris]

Point: Dr. Laura is a Jew. She doesnt believe in the new testament. Therefore all the above is aplicable to her point of view.