For the Ladies

[?wiseman?]

Hmmm, more man jokes than woman jokes. Could that mean something?

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went it would be hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands and lawn mowers alike?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the rope.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's the best way to make a man do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted a few times.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can remember them.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker with men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood - he's already there.