Jokes & funny stories

[atomic]

a young blonde lady leaves the doctors office and gets on the bus along with a man, who seems to have trouble walking normally. He uncomfortably positions himself on the available seat next to her. she smiles nervously at him and notices throughout the trip he keeps fiddling with his bits. She notices how bulbous his pants are and sees he is obviously painfully trying to readjust his tackle. Just having come from the doctor herself, she sympathetically asks what his problem is, to which he sheepishly replies "golf balls." Not wanting to sound stupid, she asks "oh shame, is that as bad as tennis elbow?"

[cool macs]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[cool macs]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[cool macs]

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home!"

[Kitty]

lol, I can't remember this joke...but 2 girls are over at one of their friends house. They each have their boyfriends over. Well, the mom goes by each room. The first door, she hears laughter, the second one, she hears crying, and in the third one...she hears...nothing...<p>Well, later their bfs leave. She goes into the first room.
"Why were you laughing?" "It was so small it tickled!"
"Why were you crying?" "It was so big, it hurt!"
"Why didn't you say anything?" "Well, my mama taught me not to talk with my mouth full!"

[Tjdude]

This guy walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.
As he's sipping his beer, he notices this guy next to him with a really small head. So he asks the guy what's up with his head.

The man says it's a long story but he has time to tell it:

"One day I was walking through the forest and I came upon this lamp. So I rubbed it and this gorgeous genie came out. She said she would grant me three wishes. My first wish was for her to strip for me. So she took off her clothes, revealing the most heavenly body I had ever seen."

"She asked what I desired next. So I said I would like to make love to her. So we made love for hours. And after, while we were laying there in each other's arms, she asked for my last wish. So I said, 'How about a little head?'"

[Tjdude]

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front
of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah,
isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie
Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[ItalStall]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
”Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
”Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

[ItalStall]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles ..."

[Guido]

I used to be into flagellation, necrophillia and beastiality ...

but I had to give it up ...

I realized I was just flogging a dead horse!