im 21 and recently had sex for the 1st time and i gotta tell ya i know how you feel i never thought it would ever happen for me and it was always embarassing trying to hide it, all i can tell you is dont try to force it just go out and have a good time it will happen eventually just do all the stuff you normally do that makes you happy, and when the time comes dont tell her that you have never done it just say its been awhile you dont want to put more pressure on her or you. but im no expert just try to be happy dont let not having sex be what defines you as a person

You are not alone. Both men and women have made similar comments here over the years. There are therapists who assist with these things and you seem to be a candidate. I would urge you to seek some help.

Get involved in some clubs of common interest. Choose one that will likely include many women. The point of interest gives you each openings to talk to the other about commonalities. All relationships begin that way.

It is worth it to work through this.

As suggested by other posters you need to develop a social life which will bring you into contact with women. Then you begin forming friendships with women. Don't push the sex thing as soon as you make a female friend. And if she makes the first move and you like her-go for it. It seems to me that you have self esteem and confidence issues.

Dress well, groom well. learn to be cheerful and polite ( not saying you aren't), to sustain a conversation and to make small talk. It is amazing how far you can get on just a hello while looking straight into someone's eyes. Making compliments about how a woman has dressed or worn her hair are good ice breakers.

Even when women do make the first move you can't expect them to do everything. Relationships are about reciprocation.

Now get out there and meet some women and be confident.

I am NOT suggesting you have some sort of psychological disorder. You most likely do not. Somehow in growing up, some of us learn how to develop relationships with other people and others do not. I am a real loner but have some minimal skill set that allows me "normal" contact. My brother and sister, to different degrees, are real extraverts and make friends much more easily.

The suggestion is not for mental health counseling; it is for relationship counseling. Might be from the same person but you lack a few skills to make contact with other people. I suspect that in addition to not getting on with women real well, you have some difficulty making male friends as well. We all have a few weak spots; work on it.

Believe me, many people have your "sort of problem" to some degree.

[QUOTE=johnnymac57;228197]I give up.

[COLOR="Blue">Why? If what you have been doing is not working for you, why not try a different approach? Brandye stated one such approach that I usually do, also.[/COLOR]

I have a messed up life. I am 28 never had a girlfriend never had sex.

[COLOR="Blue">OK, so what are some things you can think of to change this state of affairs? Please don't tell me you don't know--think about it, do some "what if" scenarios, even if they sound outrageous or impractical. The point of the exercise is to get you thinking.[/COLOR]

It is so bad now it is easier just to give up. Since I have never known those things in life. At this point it scares the crap out of me to try explain my situation to a woman, it is a sick joke.

[COLOR="Blue">Let's call a spade a spade: this is not a "sick joke" simply a twist of fate. With that said, here is one new approach:

* Do you have a circle of friends?
If so, is there one or more who can "take your inventory" so to speak and whose comments you value and trust? If so, ask the person(s) to critique your personality and social skills. Take their comments pro and con and work to improve or change any negatives. They may see things you do not and have some valuable constructive criticism as well as "atta boys".

* If you have one or more friends, inform each that you wish to date and seek their help in finding a suitable person. The same goes for family and coworkers. This is called "networking". The more people you have in your camp working on your behalf, the greater your chances of finding people to date.

* There is no reason to explain your situation to women. What is your purpose in doing so? It is a negative and women will view your comments as "woe is me". If you want to change how people look at you, then change your behavior by ACTING IN THE MANNER YOU WISH TO BE, that of exuding confidence. Sounds silly, huh? Not really. If you lack confidence-- begin acting confidently, and, by behaving in this manner so shall ye become in a short amount of time. If you change the behavior you can very often change the results.

If you regularly come into contact with people through work and act this way, use the same principles when interacting with people socially. If you do not have this skill, try doing some role playing with family or friends and do some "what if" scenarios so you will not become tongue-tied when you are out in the world. In the beginning you may think this is corny yet this is what actors and actresses do. Musicians practice before performing. Do this.

* How is your body image? Do you stand tall and straight, shoulders back, with a smile on your face. No? What part of "no" needs changing? Do you walk with confidence or just shuffle along? Do you slouch?

* How are your language skills? Are you interesting to listen to and by this I mean do you have interesting things to say? Do you speak in an interesting manner? Have someone critique your speech and stop you each time you say one of the following:

- "like" as in "like whatever", etc.
- "whatever"
- "uh". It is better to pause and say nothing than utter an "uh" as a place holder in a conversation.
- "and uh". Same thing.
- ANY FOUR LETTER WORDS. There are other words or phrases you can use to make your point if it needs making at all. Delete the expletives.
- using incorrect words? "then" for than; "your" for you're, etc.
- "man" whether talking to a man or woman as in "that's really great, 'man.'"
- "s/he don't".[/COLOR]

I am sure that I am cursed or something.

[COLOR="Blue">Nope! not at all. You just have to develop new skills or different applications for those you have.[/COLOR]

I wish that my sexual desires would just disappear because I have no use for them anymore. I want to become asexual.
[COLOR="Blue">
Oh, woe is me. I do understand your frustration.
* What about developing some new and different fantasies to use while masturbating?
* What about learning new and different ways to masturbate?

Here is a link to what I believe is the preeminent site devoted to the topic of male masturbation: www.jackinworld.com

Check out the different techniques as well as homemade vagina substitutes.

Add spice and variety to what you do when home alone so that you are not always doing it the same way at the same time in the same place.[/COLOR]

It seems like women take pleasure in screwing with my mind. I have had enough now.

[COLOR="Blue">Please give us some examples so we might possibly offer countermeasures![/COLOR]

Is there any way that I can totally avoid sex and relationships in life, because those two things are like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. I am tired of chasing thin air. Tired, tired, tired.:(

[COLOR="Blue">No matter how many times a day or week you masturbate, I rather doubt you can quit altogether. There is a cute movie (2002) about all this that you might want to rent. The title is 40 Days and 40 Nights, starring Josh Hartnett. (The last time I rented it Blockbuster did not have it but Hollywood Video did, so check around.)

Well, according to your account of events, you have pretty much eliminated sex, except perhaps for fantasies and masturbation. As for thinking about sex and/or women, what will work over time is to change your mind whenever one of these thoughts get into your head. It takes awhile, but if you quickly begin thinking about something else even if you have to consciously repeat the new thought, it will inch out the undesired ones.[/COLOR]

Is there some drug that one can take to totally remove your sex drive?[/QUOTE]

Probably. There is Chemical Castration, ya know, but given your druthers, I don't think you'd want to go there and do that. Better me thinks to learn and develop new skills and techniques, and, enlist the help of the people in your life.

Now, get out and socialize. Join a social, hobby, or sports related club or organization in which women also participate and begin networking and becoming known. Left or right, put your best foot forward. Begin by heading to the front door and getting out of the house. If need be, learn something new like a sporting or hobby activity. The world does await you my man. Reach out and touch somebody.

Johnny I would urge you to search back to an earlier thread you started on a similar topic and re-read the posts by myself and TNL329. He and I both lost our respective virginity at 28, myself before he was in my life, and him with me. So therefore, at least on a computer screen, you HAVE met at least one or two people who have been where you're at.

This issue is not about sex itself, or sex drive, or being 'cursed'-which by the way you're not. It's about, you need to find yourself; figure out what you want out of life, love and the world; become content and confident in the person that you are. And you need to learn how to be social and have positive, productive relationships with people.

There IS a solution to this---it starts from within your mentality, not from within your pants. And don't even THINK about drugs.

**PS the thread to which I refer is "28 year old virgin"

And if you go moping through life this way - you'll be considered a BORE - so stop it.

JOY is what works!

As long as you are breathing, you have a chance - so quit doubting yourself and smile, dammit!

Of course I'm right!

Join the party!

I'm 25 and well not much further down the line thanyou so don't worry. The best thing is to join a club which is what I did, ok there are the grand total of 3 people ! and me and 2 girls and one is married leaving just one single girl but hey we get on and hopefully will go out on a date soon, just get out and join a club. I'm in the process of trying to resurect my club and its the only one in the area :rolleyes:

Johnnymac57, don't be depressed! You are not alone who is a virgin man at that age. I am only slightly younger (26, but fast gaining on 27) and I am also a virgin and have never had a girlfriend nor have I ever kissed a girl. In my case, it is that I am introverted, quickly get bored around other people, lazy and just can't be bothered to make the effort. If you wish to change your situation, you have to identify, what is causing your issue in YOUR case. For example: If you are overweight and self-conscious about it - start losing weight - you will gain both confidence and the health/looks benefits of losing weight. The point is that you need to find out what it is that's the root of your problem and than attack it head on. The results will not come immediately, but they will come.

Johnny - guys like you pull pretty hot babes? PLEASE curb your ego. Of course the 'pretty girls' feel superior - they're being chased by almost every man on the planet and you cannot compete. Why? Because you have no social skills, no experience, and nothing to really offer her - do you think you sounded even fun to be with? You're a snob - face it and get rid of it or your "high standards" will be the 'death' of you and your chances of ever finding any woman 'worthy'.

Your writing doesn't say you're fun to be with and you whine - a LOT.
Your standards? LOL You remind me of the guy in the song "Close But No Cigar".

Having fun with that? No? Then perhaps you need to change your mindset.

It is amazing how often people's fixed ideas get in the way of their goals and yet they're so unwilling to change. Shooting a foot before trying to run the race. Change the mindset or change the goal.

Johnnymac - you want a loving relationship and yet - you have set too high a price upon yourself. Your ego is getting in the way of your goal.

Karma is not to blame - after all you get what you give.