Dress Code
> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If
we
> see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are
> doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you
dress
> poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you
may
> buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress
just
> right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
need
> a raise.
>
> Sick Days
> We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If
> you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> Personal Days
> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
> Saturday & Sunday.
>
> Bereavement Leave
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead
> friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have
> non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee
> involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late
> afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour
> and subsequently leave one hour early.
>
>
> Toilet Use
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
> strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes,

> an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door
will
> open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
> picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic
> Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sanctioned
> under the company's mental health policy.
>
> Lunch Break
> Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
> that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch
> to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby
people
> get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink
a
> Slim-Fast.
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
> positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
> concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
> insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation
> and input should be directed elsewhere.