Just tell them. Theres not a way to really sneak saying it, once it gets more serious and you think you want to have sex you should just mention your a virgin. I doubt many men would be bothered by that, in fact I bet it would be a turn-on. Getting to teach a woman all the workings of sex would be great fun, IMO.

1 or 2 months is a pretty average amount of time really. If its going to be your first time it may take longer for you to become comfortable sharing your body with another, but when you are experianced its easier to feel more comfortable with yourself.

There will come a time when you will HAVE to tell them. Don't go spilling the beans on your first date, or when they ask you out. Obviously when the "talk" comes up about sexually active you want to know that he has had a recent doctors visit to get tested for STD's. It can't hurt to see your gyno and have a talk. In todays world most women no longer have a hymen. We are much more physically active then in days gone by. Yet have it checked, be prepared for what may happen.
I would prepare a kit. Condoms, spermacide, lubricant, and a menstrual pad. If you are in the position to have this talk, be calm, let him know that you are positive that this is what YOU want. This may be his fear, you've lived a long time as a virgin, let him know this is not a decision you have come by lightly. There are men who don't want to be a woman's first, I will tell you that right now. Yet if he is as emotionally attached to you as you are to him, to have him being your first, then he'll get over it. You also may be his first "virgin".
Ask him to tell you what he would like you to do, if you're comfortable with it then great, if you're not tell him. Communication is very important during the act. If something feels good or bad let him know, this is something he will expect. Relax, the first time is not all it's cracked up to be yet after you've had a few experiences it will get better.

If they ask, tell them. Best not to start off lying. If the time never comes where he asks, then tell him when you feel the relationship is actually going somewhere.

I think SOC's "kit" is very smart and quite useful, definitely make one. Condoms, spermicide (VCFilms work great!), water-based lube is definitely the way to go! Of course the menstrual pad in case you do have your hymen. I would also include, some breath mints and a fresh pair of undies.

I would agree with everything that's been said. He will need to know, but wait until you feel the relationship is starting to go in that direction. And if he runs away screaming, he's not worth your time in the first place, so good riddance. The right guy will be understanding, and instructive in a way that is caring of you and your feelings and concerns.

Actually you will not have to tell him - he'll know.

!. because of your insecurities regarding sex will govern your behavior as they have thus far.

2. because of the presence of your hymen and possible bleeding

3. because you'll be very bad at sex - just as you were the first time you tried doing anything

As EEK says, you will probably give it away in your behaviour, so he will know. Chances are it won't bother him though.

It probably seems quite a big issue to you at the moment, but its really not as big a deal as you think. Once you have lost your virginity, you will see that.

Incidentally, I was a mature age virgin too, and was rather concerned about it. Once I lost my virginity, I felt relieved about it (ie: I did it, at last!), but I also wondered what all the fuss was about. From then on its just a matter of getting in plenty of practice.

If you orgasmed, you'd know what all of the fuss was about!
HURRAY SEX!!!

Somehearts,

Do not feel alone. Thaough most women have been sexually active at a younger age, you are not that unusual. I currently have one patien your age who tells me all about it at every appointment. I have had others over the years as well.

If you have been using tampons for the last twenty years and, more importantly, having regular exams and pap smears, there will be no issue with a hymen and bleeding. If you have not been having regular exams, make an appointment. And ask the doctor about Gardasil. Though you are beyond the age guidelines, many doctors would be persuaded that the shots would be worthwhile for a virgin. We recommend that women have their first gyn exam at about 16 and certainly before becoming sexually active.

You may even want to ask for a birth control prescription. Then, if things begin to warm up with someone, you can start on the pill. I do recommend that you have condoms and vaginal spermicide available. An applicator of vaginal jelly with some ectra around your entrance will reduce the friction of that first entrance. Not likely to be an issu but we all worry about it the first time.

The next thing is to simply relax. Do not have high expectations for the first time because the anxiety over that first penetration is there for all of us. Tensing muscles will make an easy thing difficult.

If you are serious about building the relationship a while before sex, your virginity would be an acceptable topic as the event gets close. This is not something I would address before developing some comfort with the guy.

I do hope that you have been masturbating. This is the best training for eventual orgasm that exists. During masturbation is a good time to introduce items to your vagina. I have had an old cologne bottle for decades that I still use sometimes. Need not be a fancy dildo; many common items around the house are available. Masturbation with orgasm also introduces you to what feels good.

Read around the forums for women.

I agree with all that's been said. Experiment (masturbate) if you haven't - it's fun and safe.

And...kudos on still being a virgin, actually. I've been in one serious relationship but....the (now ex) girlfriend decided to end it because she told me that she'd never loved me in the first place....believe me, I was extremely heartbroken....but I'm still looking for that special someone who will love me as I am (I'm disabled with Cerebral Palsy and Hydrocephalus) and overlook my disability.

At your age and regardless of sexual status you MUST be having regular gyn checkups. Your doctor may or may not ask about your sex life but only at the most superficial level. You need to develop trust in your doctor to discuss these issues. They make a difference in your long term health. Nothing about your status will be new to any doctor and no judgments will be made.

I find it very, very sad that you are so timid. You fear being hurt by life and yet - you do not embrace life. You do not rush to meet it with open arms. Instead you creep about in the corners like a mouse. Life hasn't hurt you - you have hurt yourself by turning away and cowering in your corner.

We have all found ourselves mistaken in other people. It happens. But just because one man did not live up to your expectations does NOT mean that another man will do the same. Adjust your expectations.

If you're in your 30's and think that one night back when you were 18 was "the night of your life" - you have NOT LIVED and that is a damn shameful waste.

Instead of always trying to be 'comfortable' - for look what that has gotten you - try being 'UNcomfortable'. Date as many men as you can talk into it. Learn to say "Yes that sounds delightful!" to all small social invitations. Go out for coffee. Go out for drinks. Go dancing. Heck - go out and watch NASCAR races. Do something new, different - even if only to prove that you ARE alive and not some walking dead woman who got lost on her way to the cemetary.

Because this is the only life you've got. You might as well live it.

I wonder Somehearts if the guys are feeling you getting a little too close a little too fast. Let him call you, don't call him unless you have to. If you and he have plans and you have to cancel, if he discussed doing something and you had to decline and now find that you are available ok.
And it's one call, leave a message and if he wants to call you back he will if not well. If you had to cancel because you had to leave town on a minutes notice, call him both when you find out, to cancel and when you get back home. "I just wanted to let you know that I got back home, I feel really bad about having to break our last date and wondered if I take you out for a coffee"? Or maybe offer a dinner, tickets to a concert, play, opera ect.... Make this call so that if you leave a message you can answer if he calls you back, you don't want this to be a time for phone tag, as I call it.
Let him pursue you, it will make you all that more desirable.

And I quote:

"I didn't want to just have a one night stand or get hurt by having sex with someone that didn't care for me much. I never really found the idea sleeping around with a bunch of different men very appealing.

Most of the women I'm friends with have sex within the 1 or 2 months of datin someone. I can't even imagine doing that!

I feel really intimidated!

Do I have to answer questions about having sex or not? I really don't like to tell people my sexual status."

Look at it from HIS perspective. Think about it - you meet lots of men and yet you have't found someone? You want him to pledge eternal devotion to someone he barely knows and this includes sex - esp so at your age. What do men want - they want someone to give a damn about them AND someone who rocks their world. They want what you want but they have different priorities. They see you as a "princess" and not as a woman.

He says no ring before I know and you say you won't know until I have that ring.

You leave him no choice BUT to move on.

Yes. there are many people here who will agree with you but that's not my job here. My job is to point out that habits of mind can destroy relationships, that what you believe can stop you from getting what you desire, to be the realist amongst all of these idealists and romantics.

You have heart, mind, and body. You can withhold one of the three but you cannot withhold two. That's what you have been doing and that's why you have been unsuccessful in finding a mate for life. Men withhold their hearts. I suggest you do the same.

Go get your gynecological exam and then get out there and enjoy sex with the first man that asks you without asking anything more from him.

Somehearts:

Your fear of the unknown or perception of the unknown IS chasing these guys away. As much as you travel, are independent, all he hears..." If I have sex with her, we are going to end up married or she is gonna fall in love with me forever". Therefore, they run. You are judging something you have no experience in.

Having heard from many men in their 40's and 50's who would LOVE being married and I can tell you they do not want a platonic relationship with their wife. Most of the questions we get in the long term relationship section deal with sexual incompatiblity which they should have discovered and addressed before they got married - not afterwards.

As a woman who falls in that age group; the last thing I would want is a platonic relationship with a husband. Yeaks!

I went and asked a man in this age group, who very much wants to get married and have children, and he said he wouldn't touch any virgin of her age. Because it just wasn't worth his time and effort.

1. she's been having this same discussion for years now with her gf's and who wants do deal with someone that clueless and that stubborn? You can't live with them.
2. she's been abused and is in denial or lying to herself and him
3. she's so introverted that she's timid/pessimistic/fearful and cannot see his point of view
4. "it is all about her" and she's too good at saying no to one of the most profound human drives next to the survival drives of water, food and air.
5. 'hostile mucus' which means she's going to be infertile (look it up)

What he wanted to say to another woman in the same situation who told him she was a virgin, but didn't say, was "That's disgusting."

Virginity during your teens - okay. But after that - it is a handicap.
At her age it is a huge RED FLAG.

I think she's stopped reading.

From a male prospective there is risk, not certain I would embark on this either. Similar to the discussion for the guy who was 40 and waiting until marriage, a thread a while back, and the thoughts was it's enough to send a woman for the hills. Why? Major red flags & when do they plan on beginning a life? Or they are non-sexual in nature.

At my age, I am still with a strong libido, menopausal, and now off all HRT. Well, the libido is a unquenchable thirst which requires satisfaction among those I trust. Fully through menopause now early on due to the sudden shut down of the ovaries, and now without the hormones [as we previously discussed and the potential need for] still going as strong as ever--if not more. All good stuff!

So, I believe, if there are NO restrictions; the only restriction is within ones own mind or their own fear of the unknown.

[quote=EvilEvilKitten;226007]I think she's stopped reading.[/quote] Or she did not wish to hear the information OR took action to "try it".

Mature age virginity can certainly be seen as a handicap, as demonstrated by the comments of EEK and Sera300. Worst of all, the person can find themself in a sort of mind trap. They become self conscious of their virgin status, while everyone around them is becoming experienced, while finding it extremely difficult to break out of it. They want to enjoy sex, but have feelings of inadequacy about their situation. They then start to worry that any person they have sex with in the future will be so much more experienced than themselves, which heightens their feelings of inadequacy. The situation fuels on itself.

But all is not lost. The cycle can be broken. It is really quite easy to do so once you decide to step outside the circle. All of those negative feelings are generated internally, and once you realise that, you can make progress quite rapidly. You may have to put aside your earlier notions of finding your perfect match, but isn't it better to gain experience and even make a few mistakes, than to end up as a geriatric virgin, wondering what you have missed out on? That would be very sad.

I was a mature age virgin myself (sounds like a 50's movie, heh!), but I got over it. Basically, I decided that this situation could not go on any longer, life is too short, so I set myself a target to break the cycle and to hell with all the negative thoughts. Best thing I ever did, and about bloody time!

CL - those inhibiting habits of mind are just as bad as habits of body.

Looked up hostile cervical mucus and found that if "foreign biological material" was absent during a woman's teens and 20's there is a greater risk of her developing male sperm antibodies in her cervical mucus. Seems similar to how childrn raised in ultra-clean enviroments develop allergies. But we'll let Brandye or Dancin'Doc tell us about it.

Wow! I do not know where the hostile mucuous came from. Probably not a problem for a 34 yo virgin. I cannot imagine her wanting to become pregnant in the near future and doubt that she will be at risk any time soon.

Hostile mucuous is a term used by my colleagues in fertility clinics helping pregnancy occur. We each have a mucuous plug in our cervical os - the opening in the cervix through which menstrual fluids pass out and sperm enter. This plug is constantly changing its viscosity in response to our hormones. At time of ovulation, the mucuous is rather thin allowing sperm to swim through it more easily. It is sometimes flushed out during menstruation. It is thicker other times of the month and the mucuous is a hostile environment for sperm.

There many ideas about how this affects infertile couples. Most doctors believe that some women always have a highly viscuous plug that prevents them becoming pregnant.

What you suggest about lack of exposure to foreign bodies in early life making the mucuous resistant to any foreign body, such as some guy's sperm, is believed by some. Others will argue that diet, medications or simply lack of hydration play a larger role in this. I simply do not know but do have women trying to become pregnant avoid some meds.

There are different approaches to "natural" or "rhythm" methods of contraception. Whilst I recommend none of these, the most dependable system requires that the woman and her partner be trained in recognizing the consistency of this mucuous plug and time their sex around the thinner days. This mucuous becoming thin is an indicator that ovulation is taking place.

I'm simply reporting 1. what he said and 2. the results of my research albeit limited research. Apparently, if antisperm antibodies are present then In Vitro is the only way to go at approx $10 grand a shot.

I still think she's stopped reading.

It is NOT my job to make you feel good - but to make you THINK.
There are enough people here that will pat you on the head and say "there, there, it will be alright."

[quote=EvilEvilKitten;226862]It is NOT my job to make you feel good - but to make you THINK.
There are enough people here that will pat you on the head and say "there, there, it will be alright."[/quote]

Well EEK; I think the "red flag" is obvious.

Yes. But since she didn't want to hear the truth ...oh well. Her loss. You also know that the advice I gave her was entirely correct.

But it was funny her thinking I'm a "really unhappy person". *evil grin*

[quote=EvilEvilKitten;226905]Yes. But since she didn't want to hear the truth ...oh well. Her loss. You also know that the advice I gave her was entirely correct.

But it was funny her thinking I'm a "really unhappy person". *evil grin*[/quote] I know you are happy...However, at 34 y/o one should hear constructive criticism...often helps!

Like I said, Sera - that's y'all's job.
Me; be nice?
Next thing you know you'll be wanting me to dress up in pink leathers, do my hair in pigtails with ribbons, talk with a little girl lisp, and beat men with a bunch of daisies, lisping "ooo you bad boy *giggle*"
I mean ...come on!
I mean that's sooo not me!

[quote=EvilEvilKitten;226926]Like I said, Sera - that's y'all's job.
Me; be nice?
Next thing you know you'll be wanting me to dress up in pink leathers, do my hair in pigtails with ribbons, talk with a little girl lisp, and beat men with a bunch of daisies, lisping "ooo you bad boy *giggle*"
I mean ...come on!
I mean that's sooo not me![/quote]

When you start doing that stuff...and saying "like"....off to the nut farm for ya! But you are nice & also to the point able to put situations in perspective. Need me to go out and find a pair of pink bunny ears & mail them to you??? Doubt they can even be found, LOL!

LOL "pink bunny ears" What are you thinking, Sera? They don't 'go' with pigtails!

Look, she's been chatting with her gf's about this for years, the time for being 'constructive' is past. It is about time she started thinking about how the MEN see it - the consensus being "not worth the effort" and "If I wanted a virgin, I'd go after someone in her 20's."

Sometimes, the truth hurts.

[quote=EvilEvilKitten;227013]LOL "pink bunny ears" What are you thinking, Sera? They don't 'go' with pigtails!

Look, she's been chatting with her gf's about this for years, the time for being 'constructive' is past. It is about time she started thinking about how the MEN see it - the consensus being "not worth the effort" and "If I wanted a virgin, I'd go after someone in her 20's."

Sometimes, the truth hurts.[/quote] Okay let the pigtails go...put curls in! What I found disturbing beyond you wearing pigtails, is at 34, there should be some serious relationship. If a virgin waiting for marriage, it's her choice, but not to have been in anything serious at this age????? I almost have to say; "Waiting for retirement?"

Hmmm yes, preciselt - almost time for the "fun & games" section of life, 40-60 years.

Bleh. Just as women know when a young man is still a virgin....men will know when a woman, especially one in her early 30's, is a virgin. If you've traveled the world and have a successful career, then you're probably attempting to date well educated and culturally experienced men. THEY WILL KNOW.

What I originally said in answer to her "should I tell them" question.
But her ego got in her way. Shame that her beliefs will end up ruining her chances of attaining what she desires.