hey me and my girl friend have been going out for a month now, but we went out before for just over 6months. She really loves me and i really love her, but the further we went, the less it seemed to me like i loved her, and i felt that i just want to have sex with her. But i do love her, however the thing that made me really question my love for her was what happened over the last 2days. on friday she came round mine and we where in the mood we went through all the foreplay and where about to have sex. Well we started but it hurt her to much and i didnt have any lubricant, so we stopped and it wasnt awkward after. Then today, at her house we really wanted to but we couldnt because her parents came in so we couldnt do it. But she told me one thing which she shouldn't have and ive asked her so many times not to say things like that. She said "when i come round yours tomorrow we can have sex then". So i went home all happy and stuff as a guy would, and she was ment to call me later on this evenin to just make the final arrangmetns, as in what time she can come. But then she tells me that she doesnt want to and that its going to fast and that we need to slow things down. So i said thats fine we can take as long as you like. But inside i felt really gutted (eventhough i didnt want to feel that way.. but i did) and this is what made me question whether or not i love her and i don't know really how to please her since one minute she wants to have sex so badly and the next she doesnt... any advice?
Sat, 12/09/2006 - 23:18
#1
Dunno what to do?
I love this quote: "To love is to be happy with" - Barry Neil Kaufman.
Just my two cents, take it as you will.
hm well based on my personal experience: i went to England last january (I live in italy my dad in england and I'm going back too) and met my dads girlfriend and hoha her eldest daughter, well I won't say it was love at first site (ok shes not what is conceptually termed as beautiful but not ugly and thats second to me anyway) and we just talked and talked for two days and realy enjoyed each others company we seem to have much in comon in so much as ways of thinking and looking at things. well obviously i was comming back to italy so there was not much doing on the spot I decided to not make any moves just yet. But yea I missed her from the day I left and invited her to come stay with us in Italy for 2 weeks and finally convinced her to come.
Well we had a wounderful time together she was ok with us having sex but we never got the chance or time (erm my nan is somewhat very old fashioned) in fact the only time we tried at home she just was not ready and on other occasions well we couldn't relax but I said hey no big deal I love being with you anyway and have no hurry to get my rocks off (we are both virgins) and so yea I came to the conclusion that i really love her or at least care for her very much after all it was only 2 weeks we spent together because I was not a bit worried about not being able to have sex I just enjoyed her company. ok sorry for the story of my life I just wanted to explain how I feel about it.
i hear ya
my opinion is a month is sorta early, i mean take some time, go slow, make her want it.
like even if she goes crazy, find her spots, likes, dislikes, etc. etc.
its better to wait and make it last then it is to rip into it and waste it, lol if you know what i mean..
dont blame yourself, because i always tend to second guess myself and it makes me feel all gutty and gross too..
maybe shes not not exactly comfortable with it yet, let her get into the swing of things without prerssure and she should do just fine :)
good luck
You can love her and still be sexually frustrated. It does not make you a bad person or mean you do not love your gf just because you want to have sex with her. Hey, if my boyfriend didnt want to have sex with me, I would be disappointed too.
There is a difference between love and lust, of course. No one can tell you what it is that you are feeling, but there are some questions you can ask yourself if you dont think you know the answer:
- Do you care about her?
- Do you enjoy talking with her, watching movies with her, cuddling with her?
- Do you want to be with her even if you cannot have sex for a while?
- Do you share interests in common?
- Does it make you happy to be around her?
If you feel like you just want to have sex with her, then you just want to have sex with her. Your post is rather confusing since you say that you think you just want to have sex with her, but you also say that you really love her. My feeling is that if you have to ask yourself whether you love her, you probably dont.
Being in love with someone is a pretty intense feeling. Being in lust is also pretty intense, but if you just want her in a sexual way, you probably dont really care how she does on her biology test or whether shes having a problem with her best friend. If you love her, you probably want to do things for her and make her happy because you want her to know how important she is to you; if you just want her for sex, you might do these things because you hope theyll make her want to have sex with you.
The thing about your post, though, is that it sounds like you are feeling guilty about wanting to have sex with her and questioning your love for her since this is the case. Remember that wanting to have sex with her is natural, and it does not diminish whether you feel love for her. It sounds like she wants to have sex with you, too, but she is nervous or doesnt think she is ready yet. If you do love her, remember to be patient and gentle with her and let her take her time.
thank you so much youur post has really helped, and it really made me realise that i do love her, especially when you gave me the list of things, and being around her makes me happy, i love to just talk with her hear about how her day/week went, and things like that. And i would definetly wait for her, and i'll give her all the time she needs... Thank you soo much im really gratefull you've really made things clearer for me thx!
Youre very welcome Im so glad I could help! If you have any more questions, Im around. :)
unfortunately many of us are brought up being taught that sex is bad and has nothing to do with true love. This is wrong sex where appropriate is part of a loving relationship and there is nothing bad about it providing you are both ready. a relationship based only on sex is not love more like friends with benefits and browneyedgirl pretty much put in black and white what you will feel if you do love and care for her. just live life theres time never let her feel presurized
[QUOTE=Newtolove;159422] a relationship based only on sex is not love more like friends with benefits and browneyedgirl pretty much put in black and white what you will feel if you do love and care for her. just live life theres time never let her feel presurized[/QUOTE]
Newtolove-
Yes, my response was rather black and white. Of course, there are many shades of gray. I was just trying to give some ideas of what the difference between love and lust are, but these things will be different for each person and when it comes down to it there is no final rule of what it means to love someone. Love is a pretty subjective concept, and it looks drastically different from person to person. However, I think Julz figured out that he definitely wants more than just sex from his girlfriend, and that's all that he really needed assurance of.
And, as always, the responses given on a forum like this are matters of personal opinion. We are all (hopefully) trying to be as helpful as we can, but since we can't write a novel, we don't always get to go into all the details and facets of what we mean. We can also only base our responses on the small amount of information in the original post and go from there.
The main thing to remember is to take your time!! There's no reason that a couple MUST have sex. My boyfriend and I tried a few times, and it just didn't work out, we've been together for over a year, but it was a very clumsy and uncomfortable attempt for us both. So we waited for a while before we tried again, waited until we were both sure we were ready for it. Make sure you are both ready, willing and comfortable with eachother.
similar story with me and my bloke.
my boyfriend works nights, and i work his nights off, so we don't get much time together at the moment, but when we had only been going out for a few weeks we got asked to house sit together. and there was a sort of pressure for us to have sex - although both of us said there was no rush etc it happened. it was all really lovely and going perfectly, but he was very nervous (and in hindsight it was too soon) and basically he went soft when it came to intercourse. which was fine, it was still a lovely evening. looking back on it, this was all because of the pressure and nerves of being with someone different and possibly we subconsciously thought it was too soon.
anyway, a month or so later, we had another go, it was going better this time, however, he was even more nervous this time because our feelings were so much stronger and also because he'd failed to perform last time. it went quite the other way this time - i was going down on him when he came.
so things don't always go right at the beginning, but i think its only the terror of being with someone new, not knowing what to expect and the fear/memory of something going wrong.
trust me - when the time is right and its all ready and your both comfortable about it and with each other it will all go perfectly :)