[quote=BTDTWoman;191345]
Our advice is a gift to you, not a rejection of you. I can't speak for the other posters, but I took the time to respond to you because I cared enough to try to spare you what I suffered before I went to a good therapist for counseling.[/quote]

It's very easy for us to point out the obvious as objective readers, picking up the sublime. Many have taken time to respond, myself included, only to hope you would see people do care and are lending MANY years of experience personally & in relationships--I do not do it to waste my time & yours. If anyone can learn from my mistakes, they are the wiser. BTDT is right on, if we sound "harsh" or callous it's b/c you are disregarding the obvious and defensive, many of us have been there and done that. We have made similar mistakes in life & hope no one ever repeats some of the things we have done.

And why would you not believe him? What you are saying is "can I trust him".

The matter of trust is based upon past behavior. If someone veers off the path and does something else, then trust can be broken and it is difficult to reestablish it many times.

I am willing to bet that every guy at some point has watched some X-rated videos, either that he rented, borrowed, or bought. Do the majority of us watch them as a regular "diet". NO. More often than not it is at first a curiosity that quickly becomes boring, or, disappointing, or, that too much of just swamps our ability to appreciate them on any regular basis. That said, I bet a lot of guys watch videos once in a while, especially if they do not have a sex partner. Those that do have a partner, like your boyfriend, enjoy the real thing and only resort to videos to enhance everything for the two.

Of course there are exceptions, and it are these exceptions that get posted on the Board.

Trust? Believe him on all matters until you have cause to doubt based upon behavior, not conjecture.

well personaly i stopped watching porn when i had my gf because there wasnt a need to watch because i was always with her and who needs porn when your with your girl lol. but thats just me. trust him for now and if you suspect something bad is goin on then talk to him about it.

well i used to watch porn well up until me and my girlfriend started dating...and the fact that your bf lied to you about masterbating welll, he could be a little uneasy about telling you...or maybe he is afraid you will feel like your not good enough since you cant keep him "satisfied" long enough to wait for your next alone time....I was and still am a bit awkward when it comes to be talking about masterbating....even though me and my girlfriend have fooled around alot.

Christaline:

I have read two of your posts...it's not up to a man to solve your insecurity issues it's up to you. Stop looking for him to fix it to make you feel better, you should be confident enough in yourself.

Porn? Masterbation? Who cares? You have to learn there is no substitute for you...

25yr old man here...

You really shouldn't worry about the porn. The women are in good shape, but typically the person viewing it isn't getting off soley based on the appearence - but the activity they are engaging in.

There is no substitute for the the real thing as far as i'm concerned. For most men there is no attachment to the women in porn - by that i mean emotional. When there is emotional attachment with your significant other, often sex is a lot better than just viewing something on a tv or computer screen. This is more a tool to help visualize or remember the feeling and stimulation of IC or the like.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure, discuss this with him and i'm sure you two can figure something out. He must have a higher sex drive if he needs to do that even with you around.

Most men do not want to admit that they masterbate, while probably 90% or more of us do this - its something i've felt I must do or i'd probably go insane, but I would be very uncomfortable telling anyone about...even a best friend of 15 years. Its an unspoken fact that most men masterbate and we see no reason to discuss it openly - espcially with our significant other even if we are sexually active with them.

Porn does lose its appeal. I know that the girl i'm interested in doesn't quite get up to porn star appearence, but she's still hot to me and the fact that she likes me back makes me more and more attracted to her - porn's appeal begins to fade real fast here.

Talk to him about it, get comfortable exploring the reasons he uses porn while MB'ing, then find ways you two can convert that time into time together. No worries - he's probably not fantasizing about other women.

For the record I don't watch porn very often, it is sometimes a means to an end, rather than an end in itself.

Feeling you are good enough comes from within; it comes with having a strong sense of self & a healthy self esteem/image. Looking for a man (or a woman, if a man) to derive a positive self image is basing who you are as a person upon another. Search within your soul and be confident in who you are. Never look for another person to bestow that upon you. You will find once you do this you are a happier and more confident person. Making one feel better, providing reassurance, should be reserved for times of personal crisis; those times when a life changing event occurs.

You are acting jealous over intangible objects; think about it, you are jealous of some pictures? That's all they are--images. Who or what they are as a person is unmeasurable; whereas, who you are as a person is measurable & meaningful to him.

If a man wishes to masturbate this is his business, if it's affecting the relationship; he is turning you down sexually in lieu of getting his cookies off alone, that's an issue. I do not know of any man who has never looked at porn (magazines or videos) or been to a strip club. When men are young and trying to figure out what a naked woman looks like they have picked up a magazine, hid it, and found the stimulus to be a turn on. Some continue to like looking at the pictures; honestly do not know of any guy who does not look at times.

If he wants to get off alone; his business. Just because you are in an exclusive relationship or married to a person does not mean they are not entitled to their personal thoughts or feelings. These belong to them not their partner. If you buy 20 pairs of shoes, do you feel he needs to understand why you do this? No, it's your quirk which no man will understand.

I grew up with a bunch of guys, when they hit about 12+ all had hidden magazines. Throughout life I still find men watch or peek, I would think it odd if they did not. Think of the proverbial bachelor party, I never cared if my husband went to a strip club, he did not care for them, but when there was a party he went, no big deal. If this bothers you so much, the porno, maybe watch sometimes with him. However, making him feel guilty about watching or masturbating is not right; furthermore, you should not be putting him in a position where he has to say "yes I do it" or have to defend the fact he does not & cover it with a lie.

Whatever has happened you need to accept and let go, you took him back. Him not repeating the behavior (whatever he did) is all you can ask from him, you are responsible for your own actions and feelings.

What do you think they are? Unless, he lives in fantasy land and thinks they are his secret girlfriends, they are just bunches of pictures! Men like porno, I enjoyed it at times as a woman when life became dull in our relationship...watch and see if you can keep up with the couple.

They are not real, for men it's the hidden/forbidden pictures! Just because he has a picture of a Ferrari on the wall and adores it does not mean it's real for him!

Honey, come on. There are so many other things to worry about as you go through life. If it's an overall lack of trust (not related to this topic), then you need to move on. If this is all it is, masturbation & porno pics/videos when real trouble strikes a relationship you will be sunk. Stop beating him for the past...you have accepted him now you get the good and the bad.

I recall going through a few draws in my then husbands office at home, he had a few in there. I just said please don't leave them out where kids visiting would find them and don't leave them on the coffee table! I found a few years later when I cleaned out the basement, wondered why these were hidden. Every man I knew said; it's their secret stash! Do I look bad, Nope! Do I look like a porn star? Nope! The only time I vaguely wish I had their bodies is when it's bikini time at the beach now that I am single! The point is; they are not real, there is no personality attached to them.

It's a not "get over it" attitude, it called accepting people for what they are, dealing with reality. It's his business what he looks in his spare time & if he masturbates, not yours. It's an attempt to control him due to your insecurities. Try to understand it, rather then just dismiss it as "I hate it; therefore, you cannot do it--or else".

Do I care if my spouse or a bf looks at it? No, I am not that insecure. If I do not care for it, I would ask he not do it in my presence. What he does on his own time is his choice.

If you cannot trust him, try a therapist to help you. Or, you can do as other women do; beat him into submission and you will have a weak, timid creature. Hanging your guy for your insecurities is pretty unfair to him.

Most men look at it and look again at some points in their lives, relationship or not. If you read the posts here, many state they have no current need but not one said the would never look again.

[QUOTE=Cristaline;190997]seems like you don't have a problem with it if you're man would do it
well, i do, and i'm not looking for an answer that says "get over it" cause i've tried. i can't on my own!

i'm just looking for an affirmation that what he says could be true: he doesn't need it anymore since he had the first time sex. or is it so that once guys looked at it they can't stop......[/QUOTE]

Cristaline you cant think that just because your man masterbates to porn means that he doesnt find you attractive...look at all the other posts... I dont think there is a man alive who has never looked at porn and i dont think there is one who hasnt looked while in a relationship...Do you know what his sex drive is like? how often you fool around? Some people have a very high sex drive...mens decrease as time goes on but around 17, 18 their at their peak....Unless your sexually exhausting him when you are together more than likely hes gonna do it...but dont feel bad....unless he starts moaning out pornstar names, or begins to turn down you for porn, then you have a problem.

A few words of advice. If you demand he does not masturbate alone or watch or look at porn, be ready to be kicked to the curb. You are making him pay, you are controlling him, and trying to PW him. YOU are responsible for your insecurities. He will only take your demands for so long until he finds a woman who is accepting of him. Been there & done that when I was 17 and I will never take that BS from a woman.

No, not all men need porn to masturbate.

"I want him to think of me when he does it!" - how pathetic of you! You cannot blame your insecurity on him. He is not responsible for your weaknesses - you are.

and btw:

"i've asked him to break up with me if he still does, because there are girls outthere who DO accept that. i just don't (FROM HIM: he's just too closed, doesn't want to talk about anything, doens't let me in, that is why I need security maybe i could accept it from anotger guy of he uses a different approach- get what i mean)"

what did you MEAN to say with all of that gibberish?

From my reading EEK she said:

She doesnt want to be with him if he masturbates over porn, there are girls who dont mind it, she isnt one of them. He doesnt talk to her or share anything with her so she is insecure about their relationship anyway and this porn thing is building on that.

Why should he tell you the truth? What he thinks of when he is masturbating? So you can blame him for your insecurities? Men will only take so much nonsense before they tell you "see ya". Now, you are on to mind control games, no man or woman with any self respect would put up with being dictated to.

You are responsible for your own actions, you are responsible for making your self feel good as a human. If you are waiting for a man who only thinks of you when he gets his cookies off alone, be prepared to be alone for a long time.

You are sarcastic when a man said be prepared to be "kicked to the curb" for your behavior? Come down of the pedestal princess, leave the man to his fantasies, and try being a secure woman. I can promise he will look at porno again.

I JUST turned 20 last week and I have a strong sex drive, and let me tell you how I am. I have a girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, and I masturbate a lot, well once a day if I don't get sex, because my drive is so high I almost feel like I have to sometimes.

I still watch porn, BUT I most of the time can't finish myself with porn, I have to think of visual images of me and my girlfriend doing stuff. Like fantasizing of doing it on a trampoline in the middle of city market or something lol. I like erotic and I can't picture ****ing some girl on the internet cause well... That's not realistic.

Point is, there is a possibility he still does, but if he says he only uses you, there's a good probability that is true too.

[QUOTE=Cristaline;190989] i'm a very insecure person [/QUOTE]

And that is the real issue here, not his porn or masturbating or the impossibly pretty girls. Focusing on these things are just symptoms of your insecurity about being worthy of his love in the first place. Those feelings did not start and will not end with this relationship, but they will destroy it.

I strongly suggest that you get counseling to work on your self-esteem issues. It is a cliche, but very true that you cannot love someone else unless you love yourself. Highly insecure people lack self-love.

Back to the porn and masturbation questions. Him having sex alone with himself and his fantasies is none of your business. Your need to control his fantasies is an indication of your own insecurity. A guy cannot cheat on you in his thoughts and you cannot monitor them. Nor should you. What difference does it make whether he just thinks about other women or looks at photos or videos of those women? It has NOTHING to do with you, period.

I find that masturbating heightens my interest in sexual activities with another person or people. The more I masturbate, the stronger my libido. But the reason I masturbate is to give myself pleasure. And there is nothing wrong with giving yourself pleasure whether or not there is someone special in your life.

Bottom line: Get help and get over it to avoid the future unhappiness in store for you if you don't.

I totally agree with Sera and I hope you will heed this advice.

Because it is NOT your bf's job to fix your weaknesses. It is yours!
Hey chickie - I've been married to the same man for 29 years through thick and thin - DON'T even try to tell me that I do not know what I'm talking about.

It hasn't helped because YOU haven't LISTENED.

Evil, It's obvious this little girl has never been exposed to the real world. Relationships? This little thing has no clue what is out there and how to handle it! "The princess" needs to go live her life of insecurities, continue to make him pay, Keep him "pussy whipped", and then gather the comfort of those around her when he walks! LOL! She must be emotionally about 12, my nieces who are 6, cop the same attitude! Note she took only the advise of the men who catered to her, and rejected the men who were more objective & advise of all the women! I think that was a "temper tantrum".

And to the OP, you will "grow up" the hard way, this guy is a picnic, been through worse...get a life! Have a husband who leaves, you divorce, stalks you and hunts you down for two years, and attempts to take your life on several occasions.

To clarify---BS is Bull Sh** & PW--Pus** Whipped. This chick need to grow up. Poor guy, puts up with this nonsense, he will "toss you to the curb"; PROMISE. She just is looking for posts to justify her actions.

[QUOTE=Cristaline;191273]thanks

obviously you've never been in this kind of a relationship or no one has made you feel this way. if you ever do and get stuck i hope u don't go runnin to a councelor 1st but try to get help/and get the help you need from someone who actually cares.

for me this topic can be closed
it hasn't helped at all[/QUOTE]

Dear Cristalene,

Our advice is a gift to you, not a rejection of you.

I wasted far too much of my younger years feeling much the way I believe you do today. I used my friends and lovers to make me feel better about who I was by making unreasonable demands on them for fidelity, reassurance, and love.

I now realize that it was my own insecurity and low self-esteem that drove many friends and lovers away. A few of them had the insight, courage and honesty to tell me that it was too painful for them to be in a relationship with me, and advised me to get counseling. They could not, and would not, help me do the work I needed to do because it would have been at their expense. (Heaven help the ones who tried.)

Reading your original post and your angry response to those posters who addressed your obvious deeper problems brought me back to that time in my life. I also responded to people's advice angrily because I wasn't to take care of my own emotional needs in a relationship. I wanted other people to change to meet my needs and take care of me. It was a formula for disaster.

I can't speak for the other posters, but I took the time to respond to you because I cared enough to try to spare you what I suffered before I went to a good therapist for counseling. Now I wish that I had listened to the people who advised me long ago to get professional help. I wish I could have taken full responsibility for my life and my feelings much sooner.

I had to learn to respect boundaries in personal relationships, and so will you. I had to learn to take care of my own needs and affirm my own beauty, and so will you. When I developed genuine self-respect, I finally was able to respect others.

Today the idea of trying to control someone else's masturbatory practices or fantasies is unthinkable. (Unless we are in a consensual power exchange relationship, of course!) I hope someday you will feel the same.

Best to you -

Christaline, most of men watch porn, it is normal. I also watch porn and sometime i masturbate watching it, but doesn't mean i love those girls. I love my wife and i did masturbate thinking at her too, so it is possible that your boyfriend is not lying to you. Porn movies are not real thing, but you are. Nothing is better than a real thing.

eh..i always just assumed that my guy watched porn and masturbated all the time...apparently i was very wrong.
but either way i don't really care