Hello to you all,
Found this site tonight, and what a great site this is.
I want to give you a little background before I go into my question/statement.
I have been married to the same wonderful woman for the past 20 years, thick and thin, good and bad.
I also believe that I am in that 3% of men who would not cheat no matter what.
Now on to my statement/question.
Our sex life has not been the greatest, I’ll explain.
Like I said, 20 yrs of marriage and the sex is about as plain as a guy having intercourse with a sheet of plywood. Don’t get me wrong here, we both climax. It is just so plain, generic like if you will.
I would really like to spunk things up for us both. She does go down on me, and I on her, we both enjoy this but, she will do nothing else, won’t try anything and won’t go deeper on me orally than maybe 1.5 inches, just past the head. Can’t really explain myself the way I feel here. It is to the point that I continually think about sex with another woman, however I would never do this. I do believe in commitment, and when I said “I Do” I meant it! But I just can’t shake this feeling.
I would get her to look at this site, and she would say she would, but I know she really wouldn’t.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I would love her to do things to me that are discussed here on this site, and I would love to do many things to her a well. I can honestly say that I have sex more to please her, than myself. I just want her to enjoy it more than I so maybe I can go farther with her, but that doesn’t ever happen.
What can I do to get her to be more open to other things than the missionary style, each and every time, and something, anything to put some excitement into the bedroom relationship.
We talk, we walk, we do all the things a couple should do.
She is not only my wife, but my friend also.
Can anyone give any advice on this?
Thanks in advance,:confused:
PuJo
Thanks everyone for the replies.
Here are the answers to the questions from EEK.
[QUOTE]
1. medical issues - are there any?
2. stress issues - are there any of those?
3. unresolved relationship issues - hmmm? (other than this one mind you)
4. problems with the kids, the in-laws, her family?
5. incompatible levels of sexual energy/interest?[/QUOTE]
Answers:
1. Yes, she has Fibromyalgia (mild case)
2. Yes, my oldest son of 22 yrs. Is having issues, he is a father now, but still has no maturity.
3. Yes, we are a work in progress but, nothing serious. (pick up your socks syndrome here)
4. Yes, as I said my oldest, but my youngest is handicap, “Prader-Willi Syndrome & Autism”. He is 18 and a senior this year in school. We are so proud of him!
5. Yes, I’m 40 yrs old, she is 38 yrs young. But I have more sexual energy than her, not saying that is a bad thing. I take matters into my own hands when I need to, ;)
I guess we have all the problems that the average family has. (Not that I know the statistics).
Here are a few question of my own.
1. How do I talk to her about sex exploration? (doing a few new things)
2. How do I tell her that I would like her to explore my anal area without her thinking that I am having homosexual tendencies?
3. Do you think that if I read to her, maybe some erotic story that she will be turned on by it?
4. How do I get her to move around in the bed when the bed is rocking?
Side note:
A. She has said that she has never masturbated, some say that every woman has done this, some say she may never have.
B. She does have this egg thing that we purchased together, and use it when I am down in the Bermuda Triangle, she does like it but I can’t get her to use it solo. Why?
C. She does in fact climax just about every time I am down there, I know because she sprays in my mouth, but I can’t get her to finish her job when down on me but not important.
I also understand that the issue may not be all her! I have never been with any other woman in my life, and what about the art of lovemaking and foreplay is what I have read, explored, and see on the tube. In no way shape or form do I expect her to act like one of the ladies on a porn movie. Maybe it is me that is doing it all wrong.
I guess that maybe I need to be spoon fed a little on this. What do I need to do to educate myself on the techniques of sexual conversations that don’t make her feel uncomfortable, or talked down too?
May I say one last thing.
I work away, for away and am away for mostly 2 weeks at a time, sometimes up to 6 weeks at a time. When I am away, I do not take matters into my own hands, but let the sexual energy build up for a great time at home with my love. I feel I am just doing this for nothing. I am trying not to get discouraged with this issue, but the sexual dissatisfaction if overwhelming at times.
Counseling. Plain and simple.
As far as your oral "issue" I don't know what you think oral sex is supposed to be like, but not all women are capable of taking an entire penis into their mouth. Some can deep throat and some can't. I have had girls take me completely (nose to my pubic mound) and I've had girls that get very little more than just the head before gagging.
I do agree with you. We have been to counseling in the past.
Please understand that the sex I am looking for is not DT wild Nasty sex.
I just want my love and I to go a little farther than where we have been stuck at for the past 10 years or so. If she never gave me oral again it wouldn't be a problem. It's seems that it's like a chore and not an act of passion.
She just doesnt have an open mind to try anything more than what our routine consist of.
Just want a little excitement in the bedroom. Nothing more.
Thanks for the reply.
Ah hah! There's the real issue! She's not coming to you with fire in her eyes and desire for you making her blood sing in her veins! Instead she's thinking "Damn! I could have had a V-8!" or at least until an orgasm wanders on by and then it's "that's enough. Byeee!" Or am I incorrect?
Well, what did you expect? Consider how she was raised and what she's been taught. "Nice girls don't." and "Good men don't marry sluts" (more fool they). Did you really expect some grand and glorious passion after 20 years with someone who, most likely, hasn't embraced and rejoiced in her sexuality? Or like someone who thinks there's a problem here. I could be mistaken but this certainly doesn't sound like I am.
What to do:
1. medical issues - are there any?
2. stress issues - are there any of those?
3. unresolved relationship issues - hmmm? (other than this one mind you)
4. problems with the kids, the in-laws, her family?
5. incompatible levels of sexual energy/interest?
Pinpoint the specific problem and fix it before going any further.
Get a copy of the old standby: The Joy of Sex. Read it together. That should provide some material for mutual education and ideas to last the next twenty years.
[QUOTE=Brandye;275893]Get a copy of the old standby: The Joy of Sex. Read it together. That should provide some material for mutual education and ideas to last the next twenty years.[/QUOTE]
I agree with Brandye you do need a Pillow Talk Book, I would also add My Secret Garden, by Nancy Friday. I just read something here on here that might help a little here is the Url [url=http://www.sexinfo101.com/is_sexlocations.shtml]Where to Have Sex | SexInfo101.com
For your questions 1-4:
Get the book recommended and find a competent marriage counselor. Your issues are neither unique nor surprising but you could use help addressing them. Remember that sex is most frequently a symptom and not the real problem.
Or you could go up to the sticky posts in this section of this forum and read The Program and others written by 'yours truly' who has been married to the same man for more than 30 yrs so I do have some experience...ahem.
Just syin'.
also she might enjoy the website [url=http://www.wickedwomangroup.us]container which just happens to have three free eBooks and three free podcasts on it one of whichd deals with this issue.
How to talk to her? Just tell her how you feel and how you reconcile religion and prior teaching growing up with your desires.
Thanks guys for the advice.
I will see what I can find out on the mentioned web site, and read up on the stickies, also see if I can find the pillow talk book.
I've been away from home for a while now, flying in tomorrow.
I am hoping for a really hot time when I get in.
Just hope i'm not in for a big let down, (again).
I suggest that you trim back your expectations so they are more in tune with your reality.
Yes, I do know I need to slow my roll.
I just need her for once to fulfill my sexual frustration!
I need this, I have given her everything!
She has never even had to work a day since we have been married!
Last year she had 3 new cars! Yes I said 3 never satisfied.
I know for a face that she is not with anyone else when I'm not around.
I hired a PI to watch. Nothing going on. Is it possible that is just not into sex? I hope not! Sometime I wish I had a mistress or something.
But I just don't believe in screwing around.
Wish I could just let it all hang out when I get home!
Frustrated...........
What do you mean by this "she owes me" attitude? Yes, she's your wife and that gives you some rights but she remains herself - two do NOT become one - for good or ill. This is the woman you chose to marry and with whom you choose to stay.
You can renegotiate however so counseling remains your best option. I'd suggest a sex therapist/counselor not a 'general practice' counselor.
That statement came out the wrong way.
I guess I just need to take a step back and be thankful for what we do have.
It's just a little frustrating sometimes.
PuJo
Understood but if you have that idea as an underlying attitude then you need an 'attitude adjustment'. She is not just a vagina just as you are not just a paycheck. You are two human beings trying to work this marriage thing out to the benefit of both. Remember your common humanity and you'll do much better.
[QUOTE=PuJo;275917]
I work away, for away and am away for mostly 2 weeks at a time, sometimes up to 6 weeks at a time. When I am away, I do not take matters into my own hands, but let the sexual energy build up for a great time at home with my love. I feel I am just doing this for nothing. [/QUOTE]
Oh for God's sake, just wank it. You've been together 20 years and she is only marginally interested in sex (at best). If you're gone for 2 to 6 weeks at a time and actually hired a PI to check up on her, that isn't a ringing endorsement for the relationship.
I would say just figure out some way to lessen your frustration about it.
[QUOTE=ua322;276008]Oh for God's sake, just wank it. You've been together 20 years and she is only marginally interested in sex (at best). If you're gone for 2 to 6 weeks at a time and actually hired a PI to check up on her, that isn't a ringing endorsement for the relationship.
I would say just figure out some way to lessen your frustration about it.[/QUOTE]
some people just don't find sex interesting. And in a relationship where the difference in interest is large enough (doesn't have to be a huge difference from the start either, the incompatibility will grow over time), problems will arise as one partner will be extremely frustrated about this and start to care less about fulfilling the needs of the other.
But hey, cheer up, at least she will give you head once in a while. It could be much worse! I am in a similar situation and am experiencing erectal dysfunction partly due to finding the sex to be more of a routine lately
my husband and i married a month now are still trying to find a way to pleasure eachother it is not easy for multipule reasons (health, fears, size) but we get eachother to do things we dont normally do. we do those things because we want to pleasure the other.