Hey
I am 28 and only started having sex when I was 27. It meant that much to me to wait, and now that I've done it, I'm disappointed with the whole experience really.
My boyfriend is sweet and everything, but is 25 and has slept with 11 others before me, so I thought he would be really experienced, well I suppose he is, but he just doesn't seem to have too much of a clue.
This must sound really mean, I don't mean it to! It's just that in ten months of being together, I think he has orgasmed at least once every single time we have seen each other (we don't see each other every day) and I haven't ever orgasmed, not even once. Yet he doesn't seem to think it's a problem! I DO! I also hate that he pays a bit of attention to my needs just to get me ready for sex, then does his thing and orgasms and then is ready to get on with his day while I am laying there aroused and frustrated. I also feel really used.
I don't know how to bring this up with him - I find these things difficult to talk about. Surely he should realise this kind of thing isn't fair? I keep telling myself I won't let it happen again but then we end up getting close and I think oh what the hell. But I am not satisfied.
He says he loves me, but wouldn't he be more concerned with MY needs then? Is sex just overrated, did I build it up into a huge thing by waiting so long?
Sorry if this wasn't the place to post.
Evian
x
[QUOTE=Evian;169381]Hey
I am 28 and only started having sex when I was 27. It meant that much to me to wait, and now that I've done it, I'm disappointed with the whole experience really.
My boyfriend is sweet and everything, but is 25 and has slept with 11 others before me, so I thought he would be really experienced, well I suppose he is, but he just doesn't seem to have too much of a clue.
This must sound really mean, I don't mean it to! It's just that in ten months of being together, I think he has orgasmed at least once every single time we have seen each other (we don't see each other every day) and I haven't ever orgasmed, not even once. Yet he doesn't seem to think it's a problem! I DO! I also hate that he pays a bit of attention to my needs just to get me ready for sex, then does his thing and orgasms and then is ready to get on with his day while I am laying there aroused and frustrated. I also feel really used.
I don't know how to bring this up with him - I find these things difficult to talk about. Surely he should realise this kind of thing isn't fair? I keep telling myself I won't let it happen again but then we end up getting close and I think oh what the hell. But I am not satisfied.
He says he loves me, but wouldn't he be more concerned with MY needs then? Is sex just overrated, did I build it up into a huge thing by waiting so long?
Sorry if this wasn't the place to post.
Evian
x[/QUOTE]
Firstly, you need to talk to him about it. He can't read your mind. Secondly, the important question is, do you know what gets you off? (I ask because you talk about saving yourself)
If you don't then you need to do some solo investigation to find yourself. You need to communicate this to him the next time. If he then still doesn't do something for you...consider talking to him more sternly about your dissatisfaction.
The most important thing those is to communicate your feelings and your needs (of course you need to know your needs and desires before you can communicate them).
Good advise on the whole, although, I'm not sure I would talk to him more sternly unless there are no other options. At the heart of the matter is communication. This is key to a successful relationship including the romantic aspects of one. Heck, if you cannot talk about sex how are you ever going to talk about finances, household responsibilities, and all the other things that go to make up a relationship? Have your heart to heart at a time when the two of you are not planning on being romantic.
Sit the guy down and explain to him as you have explained it here to us.
If you are able to orgasm on your own then tell him what you need and that leaving you hanging is as bad as you leaving him hanging with a good case of Blue Balls! Making love is not what we do to each other; rather what we do with an for each other. He has to understand that he is not holding up his end of this.
> I thought he would be really experienced, well I suppose he is, but he just doesn't seem to have too much of a clue.
I answer this concern a lot on the Board. "Experience" equates to knowledge not skill. In this case he may be lacking in both areas. I don't know and only you can make this determination after talking to him.
> but wouldn't he be more concerned with MY needs then?
Only if he is concerned, and, has a clue.
> Is sex just overrated, did I build it up into a huge thing by waiting so long?
No, sex is not overrated; however, it seems like you have a guy who needs a bit of sex ed in order to make things better.
No, you did not build it up into a huge thing. This could have happened to you by someone else had you done this earlier. Ya just gotta know that if sex was overrated, people would be doing other things with their time. The Board exists in part because of similar issues with others.
I suggest that after you have your talk that the two of you read some of the links on the Home Page as well as several of the relevent Sticky Posts on the various forums.
Be aware of his "Fragile Male Ego". If he perceives an attack or that you are being critical, he may just shut down and you won't be able to solve anything. The best approach may be to use a very positive upbeat attitude in which you discuss what each other needs and how best to meet those needs, including variety which is the spice of (romantic) life.
I hope this is of help. If you have questions, please feel free to ask.
Thanks for your replies! Quint Notwen, I do know how to make myself orgasm and have tried taking his hand and showing him, or saying ooh, do that more! etc. but he still seems unable to take a hint!!
Lately though I have noticed my desire to pleasure myself has decreased considerably and it also takes a lot longer to reach an orgasm, if I even do. I am on a few medications which may be the cause of that and also I have nerve damage from spinal surgery - my boyfriend knows about this and maybe it makes him think he is off the hook regarding helping me reach orgasm?
I told him I'd love to try a vibrator but was too embarrassed to buy one, so he bought one for me and I paid him back, but the thing is useless and vibrates for about a minute once a month!! I know it's broken or something but I can't take it back because, well, I've used it! A waste of £45 if you ask me!!
I definitely do need to talk to him properly about this, thanks dancingdoc for your suggestion to do it when we are not in a romantic situation.
He goes on holiday on Wednesday so I don't think I should bring it up before then, I don't want to upset him or anything.
One more thing ... I have HUGE body image issues and often we have sex when I'm more clothed than naked, ie with underwear AND a top on, and I won't let him touch or look at my bum. Do you think this is why he tries to make it quick? I sometimes think I shouldn't be having sex if I am not comfortable enough to let him see me naked.
Thanks for the great forum, I have noone I can talk to about these things so it's refreshing to let it out here.
~Evian
I spoke to him and he listened and it all went ok. Except he wouldn't touch me and was just about to leave to go skiing for a week. He seemed cross with himself that he hadn't thought his behaviour was unfair and selfish. I don't know if things are going to work out, like he never kisses me first and I mentioned that to him once, and then for a day or two he made an effort to kiss me first but then forgot.
I want to be touched and held and caressed and loved.
Perhaps you are leaning more about him as a person, unfortunately it had to be through a sexual experience, and not as transparent just from dating each other. I would wait until he goes away and see how he is when he returns. If there is not change, then just assume; what you see is what you get. If you have spoke to him, he goes back to his old behavior, then perhaps it tells you the direction of your relationship. It's not just about the sex, it how much someone is willing to give of themselves to the other. If he is with holding in bed this early on, chances are it's elsewhere in the relationship, it just takes time to see it.
it sounds to me like you're not THAT comfortable with him by keeping clothed. you really should talk to him about everything that's bothering you, maybe he doesn't realise that it's bothering you so much and maybe feels inadequate that he can't please you properly, maybe you should try more foreplay and stuff, he should get you really aroused so you can orgasm around the same time that he does. Maybe you could try a new position or something to get you more excited? hope it goes okay for ya
Well things seem to have improved somewhat. He is being more attentive and spending much more time trying to arouse me, and it's actually working! No orgasms, but still!
How do you tell someone that what they're doing is hurting you? He can be a bit heavy handed at times and also his nails are quite long and I often bleed after he's put a finger or two inside me ...
Otherwise though he has been nice and gentle and patient and it's felt good.
[QUOTE=Evian;172675]Well things seem to have improved somewhat. He is being more attentive and spending much more time trying to arouse me, and it's actually working! No orgasms, but still!
How do you tell someone that what they're doing is hurting you? He can be a bit heavy handed at times and also his nails are quite long and I often bleed after he's put a finger or two inside me ...
Otherwise though he has been nice and gentle and patient and it's felt good.[/QUOTE]
I'd say any kind of unwanted...or rather unexpected blood is...well...a bad thing. Furthermore, it starts hurting you, when it, well, starts hurting you. If you feel hurt or uncomfortable with a sensation or situation you need to put on the brakes, and set up the boundaries otherwise he'll continue to walk over you.
just tell him it hurts tell him what makes you feel good he can't read your mind,
also stop worrying about your body get them cloths off he probably has a good idea of what you'd look like any way and he's still around you so don't worry
dump. him.
As I guy, I can say that when a guy cares about his wife/girlfriend, then it matters to him that she enjoys sex. My wife is new to sex, too (also 27) so she hasn't had an orgasm from intercourse yet, but I ALWAYS give her a manual orgasm before we start, or afterwards, or sometimes both.
Sometimes I think it's better than nothing though. Couldn't dump him over Easter!
ehh. well, as long as you're with him, you'll have a harder time finding anyone better.
You make it sound easy!
well he is not being that thoughtful is he, now has his attitude changed since you two talked ? if not well he has had some time now to do so.
Just an inexperienced guy's $0.02:
If he's trying to find ways to please you, then that's IMNSHO the most important thing. The rest, hopefully, can be worked on.
I have a suggestion regarding ways to allow yourself to become more comfortable with him.
Obviously, just telling you 'He's certain to adore your body, don't worry about it' won't solve much, since I imagine you already know that, on an intellectual level.
What I suggest is to try to find things you can do with him that will help you feel closer to him.
The one idea that comes to mind: Have him hold you, reclining in a soft bed or a couch. Start with the two of you clothed, just embracing, not necessarily saying/doing anything. Try letting him put his hands on the parts of you that you'd like to feel adored, while you're clothed, and lying there for a long time. Maybe exchange whispers.
Then, either over the course of several successive sessions like this or over the course of a single such session, get rid of articles of clothing. You could ask him to remove them, or remove them yourself, whatever you feel best with. Then, as you get used to the feeling of him holding you with less fabric between his skin and yours, and with the way he reacts to getting to hold you that way, ease into letting him hold you unclothed.
And even then, either for the purpose of getting yourself more comfortable *OR* just because you like it, try spending hours at a time just holding each other with no clothes on. If it leads to sex, great! If not, then spending a long time embracing is wonderful too.
Anyway, I can't guarantee that'll work, but that's my $0.02.
well as they say if you fall off the horse then climb straight back on.
it will only get better.
if you want to then talk to him about it
Had a bit of a lousy date the other night. Went to movies but on the way there I saw him checking out other girls very very obviously. I said, in a joking manner, but meant it very seriously, that I was NOT cool with that. I had just spent £72 on a new hairstyle and he hadn't noticed and no wonder, he is looking for someone hotter!
I ended up crying just because I bottle things up and then one small thing can happen that tips me over the edge. We talked and things were ok.
Later we were in my room, kissing etc. I couldn't have sex because of my period but we were just touching each other over our clothes. He likes to strip as soon as possible and as you know I do NOT! I needed to change my tampon (sorry for the TMI!) so didn't want to take my jeans off until I'd done that, but the bathroom was busy so we just waited a bit. While waiting he asked if I could go down on him at some point. I said yes but also wanted my share of fun. Finally went to the loo and came back, he didn't seem interested in my pleasure at all anymore and I was pretty pissed off and didn't want to give him a blow job but did. Then he did his usual and lay there in a daze etc.
Why does he have to have an orgasm every time? I want one :(
My rabbit is fixed but can't get one from it.
Fed up really
[QUOTE=Evian;176162]Had a bit of a lousy date the other night. Went to movies but on the way there I saw him checking out other girls very very obviously. I said, in a joking manner, but meant it very seriously, that I was NOT cool with that. I had just spent £72 on a new hairstyle and he hadn't noticed and no wonder, he is looking for someone hotter!
I ended up crying just because I bottle things up and then one small thing can happen that tips me over the edge. We talked and things were ok.
Later we were in my room, kissing etc. I couldn't have sex because of my period but we were just touching each other over our clothes. He likes to strip as soon as possible and as you know I do NOT! I needed to change my tampon (sorry for the TMI!) so didn't want to take my jeans off until I'd done that, but the bathroom was busy so we just waited a bit. While waiting he asked if I could go down on him at some point. I said yes but also wanted my share of fun. Finally went to the loo and came back, he didn't seem interested in my pleasure at all anymore and I was pretty pissed off and didn't want to give him a blow job but did. Then he did his usual and lay there in a daze etc.
Why does he have to have an orgasm every time? I want one :(
My rabbit is fixed but can't get one from it.
Fed up really[/QUOTE]
I don't know, but I'd really reconsider your relationship with him. While some guys...(well most guys) notice attractive women even in commited relationships, the way he treated you that night was not proper and you shouldn't have to deal with that kind of treatment.
Your situation differs from mine, but if I'm ever disappointed with sex, I usually ask for a refund! LOL
We broke up today.
On your terms or his???
EIther way it sounded like he was an ass and you'll be better off!
On my terms. He didn't see it coming at all and we both cried our hearts out :( I cried myself to sleep for two nights but it's getting easier. I hope I've done the right thing.
I feel really jealous that he is going to start flirting with other girls and/or going out with them, yet I have no right to! I suppose I have realised I'm a very jealous person ... I want to have my cake and eat it ...
[QUOTE=Evian;177355] ... I want to have my cake and eat it ...[/QUOTE]
well now go and get that cake your a free woman get over him and find some fun for yourself
Just go out and find some trouble! Oh yeah, be sure to sample all the cakes this time!!!!!
Haha thanks guys but I'm not really like that. He was the first person I willingly slept with at the age of 27 and I haven't had many boyfriends. I just don't attract guys like some girls seem to do.
I feel all mixed up but I am sure it will be ok.
My dear, begin with learning HOW to attract men. Then learn to flirt. Then date as many as possible! Sleep with who you wish! The first three are essentials for both men & women!
[QUOTE=Evian;177537] I just don't attract guys like some girls seem to do.
I feel all mixed up but I am sure it will be ok.[/QUOTE]
well then the few that you do attract will probably be more or less sincere,
Me and him are meeting up tomorrow some time. Just to talk things out. Thing is, I've suggested meeting on "neutral territory" because I want him so much right now I might just leap on him!
I've never dreamt about him but last night had quite a sexual dream about him. And my sex drive seems to be back - just at the wrong time! Before we were together I could come quite easily by myself but didn't have a single orgasm when we were together physically. And found it difficult then to come on my own. But now I haven't had any contact for about a month and I am all revved up and have touched myself once a day for the past three days and had an orgasm each time. And today I had my first orgasm with my rabbit vibrator (that he bought for me on my request as I am way too shy but then made me pay for it lol! £45!)
It was NICE!
Do you think I should postpone tomorrow til I am more over him? I do still have huge feelings for him but I just know it's not right. I also am scared I will get all upset again and I am really stressed out about med school finals at the moment so that's the last thing I need.
As for the advice that I should go out there and flirt etc. - I just don't think that's me! I guess I don't think I'm pretty or attractive etc. and so would make a fool of myself for thinking anyone would WANT me to flirt with them.
-Evian
Postpone it...it's too much just concentrate on med school. Learn to flirt, do it for yourself. Start at a traffic light or something benign, just do it. If you do not have confidence in yourself and show it, how do you expect someone to be attracted to you?
I don't want to attract the wrong types! Maybe I'm just too fussy. I guess the type of person I'm interested in would never go for me ... i.e. a hunky doctor without an ego haha!
Kinda hard, I'm a mature student, ten years older than my peers. I'm totally not ready for anything right now anyway.
Unrelated, or maybe not, but one issue I had with my ex is that his favourite part of a woman is her bum and that's my most horrible feature! I felt like I was denying him something he could get elsewhere. I wouldn't let him see my bum without trousers on and hardly ever let him touch it. He would try but I'd tell him off. I guess it wasn't THAT important to him though but I did feel bad about it.
If you are not ready for anything right now, do yourself a favor and learn to be more self confident! Good luck looking for the "Hunky doc" without the ego! Never seen one yet, LOL :)
Lol!!! There have to be SOME out there :) Although certainly no surgeons hehe!
I'm just realistic, I think. Or believe the beauty myth. Thanks for your advice
Okay so we broke up about 11 or so weeks ago (I wasn't counting, he mentioned the number) & the other night I was tipsy, bored & lonely and texted him. He was drunk and said he "needed sex & lots of it", I said "haha me too" then stupidly proceeded to ask if he'd slept with anyone else since we split up, 100% thinking he would say no.
He said yes.
And that floored me completely.
I know I must sound like some psycho-bitch but it really hurt! I felt a pang of jealousy even though we are no longer together and it was me who ended the relationship. He said sorry for telling me, he probably shouldn't have, but I said there's no need for him to apologise & I have no right whatsoever to be upset about it & it's absolutely none of my business.
I can't stop thinking about it now, where did it happen, who was she, was he drunk, was it a one-night stand etc etc.
If you remember from earlier in the thread, I lost my virginity to him. For him to just have sex with someone else right after we broke up, after he knew how much it meant to me, after him saying that having loads of one-night stands to try and get over another girlfriend was a bad idea ... I am just hurt.
Maybe I still have feelings for him & that's why this is affecting me? Or maybe I just want to be in control. I know that if we met up it would have to be somewhere non-private or I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him.
I don't know what to do, whether to just make a clean break and forget about him, whether to go off men for a while or take up a few offers I've had recently, but which will most likely involve casual sex. I AM in need of some kind of contact with the opposite sex but don't want it to be meaningless.
I'd asked my ex a while ago what he thought about "friends with benefits" hypothetically. He said it didn't work well for him previously with another girl as he finds it hard to separate love & sex. Hmm but he finds it pretty easy to have a one-night stand??
Please don't give me answers like "go out and have fun, sleep with loads of guys" because I am quite conservative about this really, I know a lot of people on here aren't & I respect that, but please respect me too when giving advice.
Thanks! I feel very confused. He says my only problem with relationships/intimacy is that I don't know what I want.
~Evian
Well, I don't really believe in telling others what they should do with their lives, so I won't tell you what to do with your's, but let's look at some facts here: From what I've read, this guy has never given you an orgasm, doesn't care about your needs, and that sex with him leaves you feeling frustrated. So basically my question is, what exactly are you missing out on here? Sounds like you only miss the water 'cause the well ran dry...
There's nothing wrong with being jealous, but don't mistake it for love.
So true, so true. It's hard for me to be objective, but what you said is SO true! Thank you!
~Evian
No problem, glad I could help. To be clear, I wasn't saying that you should go one way or the other on the subject, because it really is up to you and there's no right or wrong answer. I was just giving you my perspetive based on what I've read. I hope that you figure out what you want to do and that it goes well for you...
I'm feeling rotten about him & life in general :(
Cheer up (try to) and give yourself time to heal. Yeap, it hurts but it's part of realizing that some get on with life faster then other's. I don't want to know who my ex slept with, it would hurt, we are human beings with real feelings. Put your chin up...:)
I'm back haha! And still pretty disappointed with sex!
Last night I had sex with a good friend of mine who I have been attracted to since the moment we met in 2005. He currently has a girlfriend but they are both bisexual and she actually wanted me to have sex with him. Crazy crazy. Anyway he has the biggest willy I've ever seen, I can't even put my fingers around it with them touching, and I have extremely long fingers! It was good but he was a bit too rough and stuff. I ended up bleeding and thought it was from inside because of how big he is, but I actually have a tear at the bottom of my vaginal opening!!!!! We took pictures and made some videos to send his girlfriend. Thing is, she is gorgeous and has a beautiful body and I feel really inferior (yes, nothing's changed there!). She really wants to meet me and do stuff with me ... I don't even think I like girls in that way. The guy is quite manipulative, I am finding out.
Anyway onto other things. I slept with an ex (not the one in previous posts) and he gave me 2 orgasms!!!!!!!!!! Woo! This is a guy I never even slept with when we were an item - we were both still virgins then. Anyway both of the times I came was during oral sex. The first time I was extremely tired and relaxed and I just think I was too tired to be self conscious or think about it too much, it just happened without me even even expecting it! So exciting, it was lovely. He kissed me over my panties and I think that's why I came, because I often masturbate over my panties. The second time I was straddling his face and he was thrusting his tongue in and out of me, it just looked so erotic!
I really want to get my clitoral hood pierced, it looks so cute! Last Night Guy had his willy pierced - wonder if that's what did the damage? Anyway I know I would never have the guts to get it pierced, I am too chicken even to get a cervical smear :(
Well that's my update! I am still in despair with pubic hair issues lol - I HATE HATE HATE shaving because it really irritates my skin and I get ingrown hairs and then I fiddle with the ingrown hairs and make a mess of my skin by picking them out etc. Attractive, huh?
Glad to see you have come out of your shell! Much better!
Shaving? ughhh. Either just trim or professional wax. In med school perhaps you can find a skin care specialist who needs a real person to refine their waxing techniques! Trade off might be of interest, you can be a 'test subject'! And have to get the on-going credited practice hours up! Look into it!
Happy to see your doing well! Best to you! :)
If there were sharp edges to his equipment then yes it could have done the damage. Also, he was entirely unskilled - no damage should have happened and you should not have been subjected to any roughness.
Give up shaving and just trim only not so close that you get ingrown hairs - 3/8ths of an inch is close enough.
EVERYONE on the planet has body issues - so just let it go. If he's that close - he doesn't care so why should you?
Always, always, always remember that it is the PERSON who matters, not the PACKAGING.
Thanks for your messages guys. I found this new stuff online that's helped a lot with the bumps and ingrown hairs.
I knew it was a bad idea messing around with my "friend". I need emotional involvement, not people who use and abuse you and pick you up and put you down whenever they like. Not for me, no. I told my friend and his girlfriend I don't think any of this is a good idea anymore. Why do I feel so lousy? Why do I get emotionally involved even when I'm not "meant" to? I feel worthless but maybe the fact that I decided I didn't want to compromise on what I really want is a sign of self-respect?
Back to spinsterhood.
~Evian
Rather than spinsterhood - get out there and date, not have sex with, every man you can talk into it. Date! Date! Date! Play fast and loose while playing the field - until the right guy finally has enough and says, in essence, "stand and deliver!" That's the one you have sex with - if you want to.