To many this may not seem like a problem and indeed I did not perceive it as one at first but it's becoming more worrisome to me as time goes on and I havent made ANY progress..
Basically, I'm a newly "de-flowered" virgin who is in a happy and comfortable relationship for about 4 months with a girl I met this last year at college (i'm 20 yrs old). We've had sex numerous times and it's always been satisfying for her but I cant seem to come. Sometimes we'll go at it for 90-120 minutes at a time before we basically give up because I'm not coming/she's sore or tired. It's not that I dont feel any pleasure, I just cant seem to work my way to orgasm. Whenever I masturbate however, this is never a problem. I've read a bit about this disorder on the web - termed Delayed or Retarded Ejaculation, but there's not much info/advice out there..
My own personal theory is that after years of no sex and only masturbation that maybe I just have to learn or teach myself/my brain how to come through regular sex. I enjoy the sex a lot but my gf has expressed some concern and self-doubts over the fact that she "cant make me come." As an aside I have been able to come when she's gone down on me a few times before.
In short the sex is great but there's no climax for yours truly.. Has anyone else experienced/heard of this problem and have any advice? It would be greatly appreciated!
Not having a penis, I can only comment from a clinical standpoint. Sometimes when stimulation is reduced from what a man is accustomed to, he will experience this delayed or retarded ejaculation. In a micro sense, if his penis is being highly stimulated by hand or mouth, taking it into the gentler environment of the vagina will result in a loss of erection or an inability to ejaculate (in other words, girls, do not back up). In the macro sense, if a man is accustomed the rather brisk treatment of masturbation (self or a friend), he may a bit desensitized. The "cure" is a combination of increasing the stimulation and decreasing the need for stimulation.
If your two body shapes allow, try this: After entering her have her slide her legs together with your legs on the oustide and see how that goes. This does several things. It will put pressure from her narrowest part on your thickest and most sensitive part - the glans and corona. It will also have your shaft rubbing through the more frontal vulva and her pubic hair causing more stimulation. This could a great way to transition and has the added benfit of causing your shaft to rub directly over her clitoris - which is why I like this position.
Each of you needs to reasonable trim to make this work well and penetration is limited so take shorter strokes. She can tell when there is a risk of "loss."
Thanks lots for your advice, two quick questions though.
Should we adjust to your suggested posistion from the missionary posistion? We are both quite trim but I would imagine having her close her legs could really constrict us/be awkward. But I guess this could be accomplished by her resting her legs on my shoulders.
Of a more general concern, do you know if this is a widespread - well maybe not widespread, but a notable problem amongst young men? And do you think the best remedy is simply more sex so I become more accustomed to coming that way? Cause if so, I mean, I'm down.. best prescription I ever heard..
If you have the time I'd really appreciate any further thoughts. Thanks!
You miss the point completely. Legs on your shoulders would have the opposite effect of what I am describing.
She, as flat on the bed as possible with legs spread enough to allow entry. After entry she clamp her legs together and you place your legs outside hers.
I do not know how widespread the problem is, have never really studied it and came up with a technique I have found various partners like and say they feel more stimulated. Lay off the extra-vaginal ejaculation for a while and get used to being in there.
Yeah the position Brandye described is my b/fs fav. He says it feels TOO good and he can't usually last very long that way.
I can say probably as many people come on here to start threads about premature ejaculation... there is probably an equal amount asking your question about lasting TOO long.
So yes... it seems common.
[QUOTE=rms22;189845] We've had sex numerous times and it's always been satisfying for her but I cant seem to come. Sometimes we'll go at it for 90-120 minutes at a time before we basically give up because I'm not coming/she's sore or tired. It's not that I dont feel any pleasure, I just cant seem to work my way to orgasm. Whenever I masturbate however, this is never a problem. [/quote]
Here is some additional information for you:
There is nothing wrong with staying "coupled" for an extended length of time; however, if you are trying and trying to reach a climax from lots and lots of stroking then you've got the proverbial cart before the horse. Most women report that if intercourse lasts longer than about ten minutes they become sore, bored, and tired as you have witnessed. Ideally, intercourse should begin when one or the other of you (especially you) is at the brink of a climax. Stroking should maintain that high level of arousal, then thrusting soon after will trigger the climax.
Use a combination of making out combined with foreplay to build your arousal to near peak, yet where you can still maintain control when moving around and getting into position.
If the two of you wish to extend intercourse out for a while and perhaps also enjoy additional orgasms, my recommendation is to pull out every so often, return to the basics of hand and/or oral, rebuild your level of arousal, and re-engage. This will work for both of you. As for your girlfriend, I'd suggest helping her to have an orgasm or two before intercourse, and after, if it is her desire.
Only a few positions make it possible for the woman to receive the required amount of stimulation, I suggest that if the two of you are not already doing this, that you reach around and finger her clitoris and labia while stroking away. The key to your success seems to me to be with when along your respective response curves you begin intercourse. WAIT, and don't start until you both are on the raw edge of loosing control, yet not so close that you'll loose it when moving around and getting into position. Later, if "the feeling" goes away, pull out, return to the basics of hand and/or oral stimulation, then re-engage.
[quote] My own personal theory is that after years of no sex and only masturbation that maybe I just have to learn or teach myself/my brain how to come through regular sex. [/quote]
Yes, you do have to teach your mind how to use the less intense sensations within the vagina to trigger an orgasm; however, as mentioned, above, use stroking and/or oral stimulation to build arousal to the trigger point, first.
[quote] I enjoy the sex a lot but my gf has expressed some concern and self-doubts over the fact that she "cant make me come." As an aside I have been able to come when she's gone down on me a few times before. [/quote]
Both of you must know and understand that we do not give orgasms away. Each of us is responsible for our own. All any of us can hope for is to help our partner achieve his/hers. I have written about all this enough to create Sticky articles for all of your concerns and more. I recommend clicking on the INDEX and the two of you going through and reading most of the articles listed.
BTW, here is a thread that was discussed about a month ago. Please read my reply.
[quote] In short the sex is great but there's no climax for yours truly.. Has anyone else experienced/heard of this problem and have any advice? It would be greatly appreciated![/QUOTE]
As noted, above, this concern, Premature Ejaculation, and, size seem to be the major concerns most often addressed. There are Sticky posts at the top of most forums that address these and other major concerns. Often these Sticky posts (that remain at the top of the forum for ready access) present how-to information.
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