So if you find yourself with someone much less experienced than you, and not very sexually aggressive (ie. passive) how can you direct them to do more things in bed rather than laying fairly still without denting their ego or hurting them? I don't know how to even approach the subject, she obviously thinks the sex is great and I think it is pretty good but i know it could be a lot better if she roamed with her hands and mouth more. She pretty much only goes down on me when I initiate 69, not at other times. Essentially she is a bit of a selfish lover, but definitely less experienced.
How do you go about improving someone without hurting their feelings or denting their fragile egos?
There is an article on "experience" listed in the Index. This may be of help; otherwise, encouraging her to be more adventurous without being demanding may be of help, also.
You might want to have a discussion at a time when you are not planning to be romantic and discuss each of your likes, dislikes, and desires and then see how you can go about meeting them.
You, the experienced one, become a teacher. You teach her what is good for you, you teach her what she might enjoy. Teaching/training a sex partner is often like teaching/coaching/training an athlete or a performer. People often do not know what they like or what they are capable of until someone else reveals these capacities to them. Different students learn in different ways, so the teacher needs to be very flexible and crafty-sneaky even. Zen-like techniques often come into play.
If you want her to be more aggressive then you will have to lead her to a state of aggressiveness. Some teachers simply teach their students to behave aggressively as part of their dedocation to keeping the teacher/significant other sexually pleased.
Or you could dump her and wait until you find someone who is exactly what you want.
Don't discuss sex re: specific skills or acts but rather sex as in her attitude towards sex. Does she think women are not supposed to be aggressive? In other words, don't ask us - ASK HER!
Discussing it outside of the bedroom at a time when nothing sexual is going to happen is a great place to start. Talking about what you like (aka, "It really turns me on to fantasize about you initiating oral on me") and what she has done to turn you on ("I loved it the other night when you ____") and ask her what she likes and has liked will start things in the right direction. She is probably just shy and unsure of herself and needs some encouragement.
Speaking from experience, we all need a teacher at some point. You can be hers. If you are truly interested in a long term relationship with her, then only you can determine when is the right time to bridge the communication gap.
When making love, look for the signs/sounds indicating she is enjoying something, then, in a sexy/somewhat erotic/dirty tone, ask if she really likes that and wants more. After time, you can also hope that she will open up and do the same in return.
I've had a few talks with her now, and got her opinion on things, I feel I understand her better. She used to give me oral a reasonable amount, but hasn't in a fair while now, and says it is because she just hasn't in ages and has forgotten how much she enjoyed it as well. Her past experiences before me were always painful and not very good, and she just seems to get carried away when I am pleasing her and lets me do stuff without her doing anything.
I got her giving me a massage a couple of days ago, and she said she felt silly because she had no idea what to do. I reassured her and gave her a few pointers, and told her what was working well, and she seemed to relax a bit. I am thinking that we might have to go back to basics and I just assume she has done nothing before, start with just a few nights of making out, then when she is completely comfortable with that take a small step up to having our hands roaming a bit, then go to manual, then oral when she is comfortable and confident at each step. It seems a bit slow and frustrating, especially since we have done everything before, but I guess we will see what happens.