This is an open ended question. There are disabilities and there are disabilities. What type(s) are you interested in?

I have two friends, one male, one female, who are each handy-capable. They are both great friends, although, I was never romantically attracted to the woman. That said, we do and have done things together for years. I also have a student who has neurological problems that limits her mobility, yet unless you knew about her condition, you probably would not really notice her struggle.

So, would I date a girl with a disability? Depends upon whether there is any attraction and what the disability and extent of it are. A similar question might be what would you do if your partner became disabled?

Question is about girls, but I'd just read it as person :)
The short of it: I would date someone with a physical disability. I value an equal mind the most.

The long of it: I do agree with the doc's remark on what sort of disability, the severity and visibility of it. And please let's not put people in nicely defined boxes! Since there's also something as personal characteristics and subjective experience. People with the same condition (objectively, medically) may think of themselves as more or less disabled. Equally or maybe even more important to me would be: how does this person cope with it?

My first thoughts when reading "disabled" would be people lacking some sort of motor ability, due to decease or missing limbs. But perhaps the term covers more. Does missing parts of your insides due to decease count? If so: I am in a relationship with someone that does. And it was never a reason for me not to date him. I've actually been mad at others for judging him without even meeting him. First they got overly excited I was dating him and started pushing me. Once they found out about his illness, they got reluctant and hesitant. While he sure was the same person!

maybe this is terible but if a person was badly handicapped I could not date them.I could be friends but I could not spend my life in that sort of relationship.

> I could not spend my life in that sort of relationship.

If you were married or in a LTR, does this also mean that you would end the relationship if your partner became disabled?

if I was in the relationship and the person became disabled thats different. I would already be comited I would be part of somthing. I would have developed feelings rather then maybe develope fealings one day. In that situation I honestly dont know what I would do. I dont know if I could handle it but my love and loyalty would not be somthing I could throw away. I suppose I would have to be in that position to know how I would handle it. But anything short of a very intence long term relationship I would probably move on after a short time. But I would always be there as a friend. On the other hand if I was disabled baddly or paralised I would also dump who ever I was with. I would not subject my disaster on them.

Jack and Jane have been getting to know each other for a few weeks, and finally go on a date. They go back to Jack's place and...you can guess. After, Jack takes Jane home.

Next day, they're talking and Jack is distant. They finally get around to, he's not as ready to be in a relationship as he thought he was.

Jack says: "You know, it's just hard. Between your not driving, and your vision issues, it's just a lot to handle. I thought I could deal with it. And I almost forgot about it as the night wore on. But then as we left my condo, you took your flashlight out of your purse and it just all came flooding back."
Jane: "Wait. What 'all came flooding back'? Why does my flashlight bother you? It's simply a coping mechanism I've developed for when it's dark outside."
Jack: "I know. It's just a reminder of your problems and it makes it difficult."

A few weeks later, Jane goes on a date with Joe, a good friend with whom she's exploring more, who knows about that conversation. Joe touches her cheek to point to her eye and says "NO one, in my position, should EVER forget about this." Jane almost cried right then, and she married Joe a couple years later.

*********

You wanna know the sum total of Jane's problems? She's blind in one eye and the other doesn't see great in the dark (hence the pocket sized flashlight in her purse). She also doesn't drive at night. Wanna know how I know? She's me. Wanna know how much bull f'ing s*** that conversation with Jack was? Do I really have to explain it?

Attraction is one thing. If you're not attracted, you're not attracted. That's not my argument. But guess what. Everyone has s***. Everyone. I have more than some, but hella less than others. And from the perspective of someone with s***, if you (rhetorically speaking) don't give enough of a damn about me to see past it, get the hell away from me. With friends like you, who needs enemies. Get deeper before you just write people off.

It's entirely possible I could end up totally blind at some point. He's marrying me in two weeks anyway. And I have full faith that he won't skate if it happens. My retina could start to bleed again tomorrow, and he'll find a way to get me down that aisle safely, and he'll still be here in 40 years. Cuz you go into it knowing that s*** happens and you deal with it.

OMG, "Jack" is worth nothing! Either he's traumatized or he's never dealt with anything considering his health in his life. I hope he'll look in the mirror one day to see his mistakes and be sorry for mistreating you (and probably others).

I've been thinking a bit more about this question. I don't think I could fall in love with a someone for the "right" reasons, if I'm feeling sorry for him or feel the need to care or even nurse him. Off course someone may have issues and moments of sadness (that's life... and I appreciate that vulnerability and honesty). But pity wouldn't make an equal and solid foundation for a relationship. That's why I think the ways of coping and attitude towards the illness/disability are so important. When I met my bf I saw an intelligent, kind and funny guy. Someone who smiled a lot and had a passion for his work. The more I got to know him, the more he turned out to be a strong man who had fought for his life, but was still standing; scars and glory. That's who I fell in love with :)

In the end, Red, I figured out that Jack only wanted an FWB--but couldn't admit it to at least one of us. Three times we "had a date" that entailed activities at his apartment, and three times the following day he was distant and "not sure he was ready" for an exclusive relationship. To the last day I spoke to him, he couldn't or wouldn't admit to me that all he was interested in was an FWB. In fact he at least pretended to be offended at the thought. Our fourth and final date was theater tickets. He asked me twice if I was sure I didn't want to go back to his apartment afterward. By then I had had enough. I said no I need to get home. Next day over IM, he said something about it and I said "Jack, if I'd gone back with you, we both know what would have happened, and we both know what you'd be saying to me right now. Not enough for me anymore."

And of course not, pity is no basis for a relationship. My point is that if there's any attraction get past the pity and find the person before you make the decision.

Recently I got ill and became physically disabled. Although I am still very much abled bodied I no longer have any balance. My fiancee has stayed with me even though i now have to spend most of my time in a wheelchair. I am posting because I have a question and was unsure where to put it. Can anyone give me infomation on what positions I should be able to use with my lose of balance taken into account? Please reply as I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do.:confused:

If I were to date anybody disabled I would not back down. My question is could you date someone bipolar or ADHD, or mental ilness than physical. I would make sure my partner has a shoulder to lean on, resource, love and loyalty. take your time because even if they are disabled physically and mentally. They may have the greatest heart, everything intact.

Don't judge before knowing the character of someones heart.

to rob256
The problem with disabilities is that people with the same diagnosis can have widely different issues. Thus it is hard to predict what sort of remediation is appropriate for a particular disability. But in your case, there are two of you to work on the problem. I would suppose that positions with the man on the bottom would be a good place to start. The real answer is to involve her in the experiment, and for you to communicate about how you are feeling. She has stuck with you -- trust her to join with you in solving this problem.

In his own way, hateful though you think it, 'Jack' did you a favor, Int, by making it perfectly clear what his character was.

As for being with someone with a disability - I do not know. There have been people who make the hair on the back of my neck stand-up and, no, I'm not getting with them. I have met obssessive men and I couldn't get rid of them fast enough. These are also disabilites. It isn't just about physical issues.

Then there's the issue of children and genetics. If you dearly want children, then marrying and having children, with a person with some genetic disabilities, is simply cruel selfishness. You should either marry someone else or not have children with your spouse (sperm/egg donor perhaps) or adopt.

I'm with doc on this one - there are too many variables to give any firm guidance.

It all depends if the person does see it as a disability or not.
Someone once said to me "We all have a disability (weakness) that we have within ourself and its just how you see it to over look that to like the person.
Me personally has a speech block that has got better over the last few years with working on it slowly by talking to strangers, working at a job doing agency work with hospitality like kitchen hand, cook and waiter. It has helped me a fair bit with life since that.
The people i have dated just worked on it with me and only helped out when they saw i was stuck to say a word or otherwise if i was by myself, i would have ways to over come it by pointing or having it as like i wasnt sure on how to say the word.

Rob, I agree with Apu. And I just want you to wish you the best of luck and lots of love!

EEK, I'm interested in the genetic disabilities-remark. Because granted; that's quite an important one that indeed can be easily overlooked. I've asked this question on other forums, but never received much response to it. But perhaps there will be members here who would answer.

-When would the chances of disability/decease in your child be a reason to not have children and when is it not?
-Have you considered your genetics and possible future children before you committed to your partner, like marriage? (or would you)
-To what extend did you consider this before trying to conceive? (or would you)
-What did/would you do to get answers?

The other night i was coming home from work on the train when i saw a guy and female both about early 20's roughly. I wasnt sure if they were together or not.
By the time they both on the train it did seem they were dating / in a relationship.
He moved over to the seats to sit down and realised she wanted to be with him so he walked over picked her up from the electric wheelchair ( she was a medium build) then cuddled into him until it came to my stop and they must of been getting off at the next one with him doing the same again picking her up and putting her back into the wheelchair to get ready to get off at the next stop which isnt too far away.
Its all what you see in the person and work on their weakness to over come it to make things work for both of you

When it comes to genetics, the question of whether to consider the odds or not depends upon the severity and the 'dominance' of the disability. Those dominant errors found in the coding area of the X are too horrific to even 'go there'.

Yes, I did consider the genetics, as expressed by the family, before considering marriage to my husband. And I have discovered that he too carefully considered the genetics before marrying me.

No, if either of us had found a serious genetic flaw, esp a dominant one, we would not have married. Both of us wanted children: bone of our bone, flesh of our flesh. To knowingly bring a child with such a terrible burden into this world just to satisfy that desire would have been damnable.

Yes,i would date someone with a disability.I have in the past and I am now.My current partner was seriously injured in a farm accident several years ago.He was repairing machinery and got his arm trapped in a conveyor belt.If it weren't for the pocket knife he carries with him he would have been a goner.He has scars running from his neck down to his hand,chronic neck,shoulder and back pain,and was also born with a Calcium deficiency that weakened his bones.I am glad that he survived so that we could meet.My ex husband was hit by a car when he was a child and suffered a brain injury.Marrying him was a huge mistake as he was very obsessive,compulsive and prone to severe mood swings.Int1103 Jack was a dick who didn't know what he had in front of him,so glad you met Joe.I fell in love with the person not their disability,even though my husband didn't treat me right.If I were to meet someone with a serious brain injury,I may not date them,but it depends on the seriousness of the illness/injury.I am just very cautious after what happened with my husband and wouldn't want to go through all that shit again.

I have a question: If the disability in question was physical, genetic, AND and made it hard for you to do things with that person, what would you do?

Hello Andi,

To a great degree much of how people view you and treat you and interact with you depends upon you and how you treat your disability and interact with them. Do you consider yourself handicapped or handi-capable?

Without knowing the degree or extent of your physical impairment all any of us can recommend is that you do the most you can whether alone or in the company of others. If you have a "woe is me" attitude toward your circumstance then this will be picked up by other people, whereas if you exhibit a "watch me" or "see what I can do" attitude--"damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" then people will more than likely gravitate toward your infectious personality.

You can test this by going to a mall and watching passersby. Not only will you see petite couples, large people, you will see a petite person paired with the opposite. If you watch long enough you will see a person in a wheel chair obviously having a good time with someone else. The same goes with someone who has CP or MD or Polio, etc.

It is your personality, your potential, your outlook, that will draw people to you. As with any other person, who is ultimately attracted to us is largely a matter of "chemistry". Please read the articles listed in the Index pertaining to dating. Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who shows an interest in us. Dating is all about learning about others, as we do some will be compatible, others not so much, others still--not at all. It's not all about "ME", rather, how we choose our friends, then our lovers, then our partners. Very often we will sort thru many people in order to find Ms./Mr. Right. This holds true for each of us regardless of circumstance.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

-doc

You go girl!
Please read the articles that discuss dating listed in the Index found at the top of the main screen so that when you are permitted to date boys you will be prepared.

So basically if I just do all the things I can do and not wallow in self-pity life will be great. I think i'm more handi-capable than handicapped in this case.

I have found it dwell on it in a bad way and let it get to you its harder to do things. I dont see it as a problem and just work on it to improve myself to become better. Sometimes now i still get the speech block when i can feel something or just nervous around a good looking female.
All i can suggest Andi B is dont worry too much and as you get older people dont care too much about it along as your nice and get along well. Some of my friends have different female disabilites and they just go along with them and work to their best