I have written about dating a lot. Here I go, again:
Dating by its very nature and purpose is about finding Mr./Ms. Right and to do this means that we go out with lots of people in order to learn what humanity has to offer. Doing so makes it easier to determine when this person comes along, and, it develops recognition skills that help us determine what we like and do not like in a person, and what qualities are valuable. By dating lots of people (even at the same time) we expose ourselves to lots of likes, dislikes, quirks, interests, morals, values, goals, mannerisms, ideals, etc., et cetera, etc.
Dating is not all about stopping with the first warm body who comes along expressing an interest in us. It is not all about being exclusive with each other to the exclusion of all others--at least not until a long time later. Dating is about becoming closer to a person than is possible thru a casual friendship. By becoming "closer" you are then able to learn more about each other.
There should be no exclusivity until you and the other person are ready to settle down and marry. Until then, you can be kept busy with the relationship(s) you have with one or more people. Exclusivity with one person is not a guarantee that you will always have a date or be kept socially busy. By not being "exclusive", particularly during the teen years, eliminates much of the angst, drama, and trauma in relationships that a teen is not yet prepared to handle. The same can hold true for adults even though they should have matured having also developed better interpersonal coping skills.
By dating more than one person and at a time, you stand a much better chance of filling your social calendar, learning new things, and as noted above--exposing yourself to a variety of personalities that will help you determine when Mr. Right comes along.
Because dating by its very design is not and should not be exclusive, and there is no legal contract, there can be no "cheating". If when the time comes that you want exclusivity, then it is often implied long before by simply behaving toward one another like it is or has been. Your behaviors toward each other tell the tale. Until such time both people are free to date others should they choose. Until such time, devote lots of your dating activities deciding whether this person is marriage material, worthy of exclusivity, and only when you are ready to work on this aspect of your life make this commitment with each other.
[CENTER][SIZE="4"]If you want to meet that "one in a million" guy or gal, you have to date a million people.[/SIZE][/CENTER]
For additional insight and information with regard to internet friendships, please read this article:
[URL="http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/dating-new-relationships/30181-dating-in..."]"Dating" and the Internet
[quote=dancingdoc2;217525] By not being "exclusive", particularly during the teen years, eliminates much of the angst, drama, and trauma in relationships that a teen is not yet prepared to handle. The same can hold true for adults even though they should have matured having also developed better interpersonal coping skills.
[/quote]
In my experiance, not being "exclusive" during the teen years seems to create the problems you state. Most girls that age would probally be a little ticked if you told them you were dating other people too.
I understand this idea and think its great. However, I do not think most poeple would agree to such arangments, unless you wanted to keep it a secret, but that could cause major problems later on.
[QUOTE=CleverName;217540]In my experiance, not being "exclusive" during the teen years seems to create the problems you state. Most girls that age would probally be a little ticked if you told them you were dating other people too.
I understand this idea and think its great. However, I do not think most poeple would agree to such arangments, unless you wanted to keep it a secret, but that could cause major problems later on.[/QUOTE]
I agree with what is said here, as a teenager myself with an exclusive boyfriend fro the past two years. It would be devistating to think that parhaps my boyfriend was also seeing somebody else.
However i do believe this may work if as you start dating sombody, you have a conversation about the matter, ask what both people think and then working from there. It may be difficulte though as there are alot of women (especialy of a teenage age) who only believe in being exclusive.
There are also problems with both teenage boys and girls on a maturity level. If a teenager does descide to live thelifestyle of being unexclusive, a nasty reputation tends to follow. This of course is not wright, as no one has the right to make these judgments but the lack of maturity from these people will make it inevitable and however mature a person thinks they are to be able to deal with this, they will still be find it very hard to have a healthy social life with people.
I would also like to say that you can still be exclusive and have a healthy social calendar, as not all social activities involve in dating. There are many people including myself who can hold down an exclusive relationship and have a full calender, because i also have alot of friends, and of course there is no reason why others can't live that way.
Everyone seems to define "exclusivity" in slightly different ways. Married or just in there for the long term it's a matter of what both parties are willing to accept. High school is a pain to begin with. Rumors run extremely rampant... (even if you aren't sexually involved)and it's too easy to pick up a nasty reputation. Teenagers can be very cruel and overly dramatic. However, Dancing Doc is correct here on many levels. The more people you date the better off you are in figuring out what will work out for you in the long run. It actually ends up coming down to a)Deciding with the person(s) you are dating what their definition of cheating is and what both of you are willing to tolerate. and b)Not having sex with one or all of the people you are dating at the same time. It ends in disaster. Not only is it dangerous for your health but it leads to drama and consequences you may not be able to erase later. So yes... go out and date, and date often especially while you are young. Just make certain you are upfront and honest with the people you are dating. Life is short so live it to the fullest.
Yeah but i'm really young but i'm happy not to date around and just be with one person and he is with me. I dont see that being a bad thing, you can learn what you want with just one person surley, i know i have learnt alot the time i've been with my boyfriend and i'm sure he feels the same.
Zorbo's (still no clue on the name--LOL) last statement is so so true.
"Live life to the fullest" (paraphrase)..........One never knows what is
around the next corner so why not enjoy every fleeting moment of
the journey. There probably is not set format on dating, relationships
etc. each individual situation is different.
[QUOTE=lustforlove;219052]Yeah but I'm really young but I'm happy not to date around and just be with one person and he is with me. I don't see that being a bad thing, you can learn what you want with just one person surely, i know i have learned a lot the time I've been with my boyfriend and I'm sure he feels the same.[/QUOTE]
No one is saying that dating only one person in high school is a bad thing. Actually I was saying earlier that for the most part it is a very good thing. Teenagers are very cruel and love to make up stupid rumors. Back when I was in high school (practically a decade ago) I remember telling one of my so-called friends that I knew a couple of twin males who had transfered over from our other city high school. By the next day it was all over school that I'd slept with both of them and mothered a child by one of them. I was still a virgin at the time and a freshman in high school.
Getting to know the ins and outs of a relationship while in high school is great beginners experience. All of the lessons that you learn from the drama involved will end up helping out greatly later on. So yes. Learn to be faithful, learn how to deal in an argument or when something is said that isn't true. Learn to deal with heartache while you still have years to get over the person. Please keep this in mind: Whatever you are feeling now may be real but is really intensified by hormones. You may think you know everything and are unstoppable now, but you'll learn otherwise as the years pass.
You will not be the same person at 21 than you were at 18. You won't be the same person at 25 that you were at 21. Your overall personality as an adult actually develops by your mid-twenties. Marrying your high school sweetheart (especially right out of high school) almost never works out in the long run.
Date more in college or after you get out of high school. That's where you will figure out what you can live with and what you can't. Trying to date in your late 20s is not easy, and when you are going into it with a couple of kids (from getting married too early) only makes dating more difficult.
It's also a bit of a headache when you are older and dating a guy who never went through relationship drama way back when. While you are expect certain things from your mate (how to deal properly with conflict or when to call you for example) they see it differently and you end up frustrated.
I just reread the above post and (directly above) and this reply is really
spot on. Everything seems magnified and when it's a first. In other words,
as time goes on and you have more experiences and situations arise you
have experience to fall back on and say hey I have been through this before
and it isn't the end of the world.
I have an advice.When youre Heart tells you 1 thing and your Mind tells another,before you decide to do anything.Find out 1st if you have a Better Heart or a Better Mind?
[url=http://www.romantictreasure com]romantic
I think the probelm is people have a different deffinition of the twerms exscusive and dating, if your dating your "thrying out" after that presumable you "get together" and being exsclusive is implied...
i never been a date, i recently asked a girl out on a date and she said yes, im new idk wat to do help me wat if i bored her?
With respect to your public opinion and in disrespect to your sense of immorality, reading these lines brings about tangible proofs of human’s step back in corrupt-minded by what the vehicle of TV shows, movies etc…are projecting to the society awareness…This is horribly shocking to reading such lines, more especially at discovering a certain way of learning (newly learnt) developing skills (that help us determine what we like and do not like in a person. By dating lots of people (even at the same time) we expose ourselves to lots of likes, dislikes, quirks, interests, morals, values, goals, mannerisms, ideals, etc., et cetera, etc.) etc… OMG…!:confused:
I’m very sorry to have to express it in that way, but this is a gross shame about this philosophy and is further devoid of any sense of morality to the extent of being criminal and odious to attempt sacrificing loads of innocent hearts to the benefit of personal knowledge interests…!
Whatever the reply could be, experiences, developing values, discovering people can be made without engaging in dating…Socializing is the perfect platform for that…There’s absolutely no need any to venture in dating to get to know someone…!
The point is there, anyone willing to get into serious relationship has to show serious undertakings as well…this is not the place nor the area for trials at random…people are not your cans of beer when empty you may throw away vulgarly…! Shame on you!
I’m outraged by reading this: “Because dating by its very design is not and should not be exclusive, and there is no legal contract, there can be no "cheating". And what about the moral obligation to sentiments involved therein then? Even animals are instinctively able to choose one and same female to procreate and being faithful to its congener…!!! Why humans can’t then….?
Tracking commonly on the same road is very important to materialize marriage between the engaged…it starts from a decision of quality and enough determinations to achieve the aim…It’s very, very rare to find the exact matching to live alongside forever…Being aware of, love will then imply sacrifices from both actors just to merge characters, cultures, point of views, differences etc…and this is what makes love something extraordinary and outstanding…The real fight of love resides in then sacrificing some habits, some selfishness attitude by molding it to one of your partner…and this game is mutually played in harmony to satisfy not oneself, but what love requires to get born in between…!
Love isn’t finding each other but to accept each other’s imperfections, weaknesses and qualities…I mean, love is composed of both positive and negative…
The winner of love shall imperatively fight against these fundaments that will lead to true and real love…!
If you want to get married to Mr. Right, start by being faithful and more mature to your approach…Start by being ready for facing reality at trying to discover, exchanging, valuing and listening to your partner…He/she will sense your attempts and deference to this relationship and you may expect from your undertaking to get same in return…there’s no need to get through repeated trials through harmful dating to succeed in your task, but be ready to give and to receive…By taking repeatedly and lengthily to your targeted one may reveal your one…you just have to let the heart speak…! Trust it…love resides there and not in cruel attempts…!
I think your pushing the explanation to extreme and bear in mind that I'm sure dating is meant as going out with someone on the understanding that it "may" lead to more than friendship and not running around screwing the whole town. I think the advice is aimed at teenages who take their first loves all too seriously and don't understand that they are stepping stones in learing about themselves and others unless of course its love for life but thats rare and does occur none the less.
to end, you've only made 1 post so I guess you've not been around alot and surely not long enought to appreciate dandingdoc so don't be too fast in knocking him, he's always offered very sound advice and I'm sure has replaced many an incompetent parent throught these boards.
I think the term dating is used too loosely. It seems to have different meanings in different contexts as well:
To be currently dating. (As in dating people in general.)
Going on a date. (The act of actually going out with someone.)
And dating someone. (Seeing only one person.)
The last one, I think, is where the meaning of dating can get fuzzy. You could say dating as in you're just currently seeing each other frequently, like going on dates, or actually dating them, as in you're together.
I think dating one or two or even three people (like Dancingdoc said), will only lead to complications. It seems too much like multi-tasking to me. Thats not the way to learn commitment either. Maybe some people here (those who don't believe in exclusive relationships until thinking about marraige etc etc) might think it inappropriate for me to have this opinion, but being 18 and having a boyfriend, I would not be happy to find out that while being with me, he was also seeing one or two other girls.
And how can you, by just dating people over a period of time, pick one you want to marry? Sure, dating is the process of getting to know someone, but I don't think that until you are in a more serious, exclusive, relationship with that person can you really understand the innerworkings of their personalities and fall in love. Just going on dates with someone won't lead to truly loving someone for who they are and deciding you are ready to settle down with them and marry them. I, for one, am not ready for marriage and haven't been with my boyfriend long enough to establish a real serious relationship, but I'm not about to see other people while we consider each other our significant other.
Is the 3 day rule still in the Market now-a-days?
This is like asking if people still wait to have intercourse for the first time as Part 2 to their wedding ceremony. I suppose it depends upon how important it is to you. I believe that etiquette is still appropriate and so waiting to call and chat and set something up for the near future is good. Calling too soon after the last date, when you do not really know each other all that well can appear to be "needy" or anxious. Playing it cool whets a girl's appetite for more.
> i never been a date, i recently asked a girl out on a date and she said yes, im new idk wat to do help me wat if i bored her?
Congratulations on taking that first step.
Relationships are partnerships, that said, discuss various possible activities with her.
* Suggest activities you would like to do
* Suggest activities you think she would like to do
* Ask her what her interests are and what she would like to do.
Now, if she has no preference, select one of her suggestions, or one of yours she likes. This is particularly important if you are planning to go the the movies and there are choices.
It sounds like you may not have noticed yet, but females of the species are generally pretty chatty creatures. Ask them an open ended question and stand back because many will talk about the subject at length. All you have to do is take mental notes about various things she says and interject questions. You'll find that this is a great way to learn about her and also to pass the time.
As for you, do not be tight-lipped. Talk to her and tell her things about you, yet do not go overboard and tell her everything there is to know about you. Keep a lot of facts and figures in reserve and dispense them over time. You'll whet her appetite for more and you will have things to talk about over the next several dates.
What if you bore her? Well, if she is the chatty type, this probably won't happen, particularly if you show interest in what she is saying and ask questions once in a while. If you tell her some things about you and what you are doing, discuss the movie or whatever other activity you are doing, then you should be fine. If you run out of things to say, don't fear silence; however, you can tell her you have run out of things to say and ask her for help.
Please familiarize yourself with the Index found at the top of the main screen. It contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people write in about. You will find several articles about dating, kissing, and, making out.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
what happens if you are dragged along to someone elses date because you 'lighten the atmosphere' because u are the type to make a total plonk out of yourself publicly but actually you dont wanna be there but just dont know how to say it?
Have you ever heard the expression little boys often tell one or the other parent: "you aren't the boss of me!" Let's fast forward a few years: Who is the boss of you, now?
If you do not want to go, you will have to say so. If this is so difficult that you cannot, then analyze why not.
* Are you all about pleasing others at your expense?
* Would you go if you (also) had a date?
(If so, ask the others if you can.)
* Other?
At some point you are going to have to step up and take charge whether it is this situation or something else; otherwise, you will forever be a "doormat".
Learning committment? No, that's not dating - that's being afianced and then married because by the time you get afianced there should be NO doubts or uncertainties about who the person you're planning to marry actually is. If you don't truly know then you did not date enough and should break off the engagement.
Dating is for getting to know people; getting to know all about people and then getting to know all about the few people you might consder marrying. Take your time over this and 'multi-task' all you want. Rushing to the altar has been the cause of more heartache and trauma than any dating relationship so don't do it.
If while dating you cannot find out the deeper inner workings of a personality and "fall in love" then you're not very perceptive. How do they act? Does what they say match what they actually do? Does he/she give a damn about your hopes and dreams after she's/he's been in your bed? Do they demand or control? Do they blame everyone and everything other than themselves for their failures? You CAN learn a lot about people just by dating them and not necessarily exclusively.
The number one thing said when people find out their date is also dating others is "am I not enough man/woman for you?" This is an expression of wounded pride/jealousy/insecurity/fear of being rejected and therefore unworthy. What any 'date' does on his or her own time is his/her business and nothing to do with you. Thinking this way gives you confidence, poise, security, and self-respect. All of which silently requires your date(s) to 'step up ' and be adult, if he/she can.
Yes, this works for men as well as for women.
Here are some 'dates' for you to consider:
1. Decent enough man, nice lunch, but then he demanded fellatio in the parking lot because he had driven a long way to meet her. Without saying a word, she put a $20 on the table, got up, and left - leaving him there alone. Think she learned enough about him?
2. Okay guy, lively restaurant for dinner, but then he quizzed the waiter about the beer, quizzed the waiter about the food, complained about the waterspots on the knife while his date sat there waiting to be noticed. Dinner conversation consisted of a constant gentle stream of what's wrong with the world and how it should be fixed. There was no second date. Are you surprised?
3. Gorgeous man, very nice dinner, she gave him a lift to the subway stop, but while in her car he began hitting her. Her screams were heard by some nearby construction workers who rushed over to her rescue but the guy got away. She was treated for a broken cheekbone and lacerations to her face. I think she got a pretty good idea of what sort of man he was, don't you?
Each of these was a real life first date between grown-up men and women. Each date had been set up after talking both on-line and over the telephone. They all met in crowded public places and each of the ladies involved had set up a pre-arranged safety call with friends. I do not know if the men had set up such calls although I know they usually do. Doing everything 'right' does not guarantee a positive outcome.
You can learn TONS about a person on just one date. So 'multi-tasking' isn't as 'confusing' as it might at first appear.
Hmmm thats a interesting point you make about teens Doc, I am 17 (still a teen) and I am socially active with 3 different girls, it can be very stressful at times, but the way you explain it makes a lot of sense. I am experiencing 3 different personalities, I am learning how each personality responds to what. Fortunately non of them are aware that I am talking to different girls. Although, I was never like this up until the beginning of summer, I used to be shy and timid, now I am not afraid to make a move I do still get nervous at times.
Thank you for the positive feedback. It sounds like you are learning about others, yourself, interactions, what qualities you like and do not like in others, all while having good times.
What sorts of situations or things cause you stress?
As for being nervous, this will become more manageable with experience.
-doc
Well the situations that make it a bit stressful is that I have to be very careful about what I post on my social networking websites. I must keep the things on my phone on lock down just in case one of them decides they wanna look at something in my phone, and while I am with either-or, and I get a txt message from one of them I do not reply but, and also now that school is about to begin, one of them goes to my school, the other two go to different schools, and you know how it was in high school Doc, people talk. The worst case scenario would be that they find out about each other, I have no idea how they would react towards me and each other. Also, I must know what each of them are doing in order to avoid being caught in public (at the movies, restaurants etc.)
[QUOTE=cico187;258313][COLOR="blue">Well the situations that make it a bit stressful is that I have to be very careful about what I post on my social networking websites. I must keep the things on my phone on lock down just in case one of them decides they wanna look at something in my phone, and while I am with either-or, and I get a txt message from one of them I do not reply [/COLOR]
Such is life and growing up and maturing. These multiple dates will be easier to handle when you are older, have more options, a car, and a large area in which to do things.
You have every right to be cautious, now, because girls talk, and some tend to snoop, more out of curiosity than anything. Privacy? Well, if you want privacy, leave your cellphone locked in the glove box, and, stop with all the social networking venues. Shucks! back before computers, most parents limited their kids to twenty minutes an evening on the phone, and we communicated with friends by talking--not texting every ten minutes.
Of what great benefit is it to you and others who have Facebook accounts, etc., to have to let everybody know what you are doing minute to minute? It's juvenile stupidity.
If you don't want people in your business, get rid of the conveyances that allow them to be. I don't have any of these social networking accounts and get along just fine with an occasional E-mail, and telephone call. I do not need a minute-to-minute UPdate of what certain people have been or are currently up to. My recommendation is to turn all this stuff off or delete accounts, go thru withdrawal and then join the rest of the world in having a "life".
[COLOR="blue">but, and also now that school is about to begin, one of them goes to my school, the other two go to different schools, and you know how it was in high school Doc, people talk. The worst case scenario would be that they find out about each other,[/COLOR]
Not really unless I've forgotten something between then and now. The trouble as everybody perceives it is that dating means exclusivity; therefore, if you are seen in the company of two or more girls, then you must be cheating. [COLOR="red">WRONG[/COLOR]! Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us, nor should dating necessarily be about one person. Dating is all about learning about others, and, what we like and dislike about their personalities, likes, dislikes, characters, etc., and enjoying the pleasure of each other's company while doing so.
If a boy and girl decide to go out with one another, then set boundaries--meaning we are not in a closed exclusive relationship and are free to date others. That we do not choose to is just fine. You then have exclusivity by consent and without it being declared and restrictive. The only girl I dated "exclusively" was my high school sweetheart. Every other young woman from college on up was open. That we chose to behave as if it was not eliminates all the trials, tribulations, angst, pain, drama, and trauma.
So what if you are seen about town in the company of others? If your relationships are open and non-exclusive, it doesn't matter one hoot! I just do not understand why the younger generation does not understand this age old concept.
[COLOR="blue">I have no idea how they would react towards me and each other. Also, I must know what each of them are doing in order to avoid being caught in public (at the movies, restaurants etc.)[/COLOR][/QUOTE]
One more reason to make your relationships with each of these girls an open one. If they cannot handle this then they are too insecure and immature to be with you or any other guy.
All this said, so what if you happen to run into one of your girlfriends. Each one is a friend who is a girl and that you go on dates with in order to have fun, be able to have a relationship, and, more chances for same.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
I don't think there is a thread for this but this place seems good enough. How do you go about suggesting to someone about being friends with benefits with them?
I ask cause there is this girl that I met in the elevator and somehow we ended up being friends but I think there is a hint of something more to it. However, she is busy all the time with work and stuff and I don't think our lifestyles mix well enough to be bf and gf, but I would like to have friends with benefits with her.
Friends with benefits isn't an old school concept that is taboo nowadays, right? People still do this just to have fun and to learn more about sex and stuff? Its not shameful to ask, right? Girls are interested in sex and want it like guys do especially at 21 and 22 yrs old, right?
FWB is alive and well. Now having said that and in response to your suggesting that she does not have time to devote to being in a relationship probably means she will have trouble scheduling sufficient time just for benefits. A lot depends upon how she views you.
Please keep in mind that women want a lot of time devoted to "benefits", whereas guys can take care of them in a matter of minutes.
A FWB relationship hinges around a person being in like with the other, not necessarily in love. Regardless, "time" is a major component.
Well, I shouldn't really speak for her because I'm sure she would find the time for the benefits if she wanted them and I don't know her that well. (she may have more free time than I know)
I "think" she is interested? Cliffnotes:
-15 sec elevator ride (exchanged room nums)
-I sent a note w dinner invite
-Slipped a return note couple days later w phone num
-Had a dinner date, afterwards invited me to her place (I didn't try anything cause I didn't want to read too much into things)
-The last time we hung out at her place
And thats all I've hung out with her really. I'm trying to get a movie night at her place because everyone knows that the movie isn't the focus at all lol.
So I think she is interested but I just don't know how to bring it up.
well see if she is interested in being a proper GF, I'd not suggest friends with benefits first up you might get a slap and more. You may well end up in a FWB relationship without discussing it, if your happy with that then what's the issue, but i think the full hog is best
I don't know her well enough to even consider bf gf. I mean, our personalities seem so different it just doesn't seem like bf gf is even an option. She is busy busy busy and feels like she needs to always be doing something instead of relaxing when she has time. I have soooo much free time right now and don't feel the need of always having to do work or stuff all the time. She is also veryy independent which isn't a bad thing but I just wonder if its too much so for my liking.
This is why I am interested in the FWB. I don't know how to get to know her better and stuff without getting put in the "just friends" zone. I also don't know how to subtly hint about doing sexual stuff to test the waters. And how do you even go about seeing if she is interested in bf gf without flat out saying it?
I also have interest in this other girl that I am more interested in bf gf. My dilemma with her is how to go about the whole dating thing lol. I want to have a dinner date tomorrow but should I text her today or call her today or txt.call tomorrow? I feel like calling is so last gen and awkward. I have no clue :(
Sorry, you guys are kinda my dating support group lol ;)
first you are freinds, then your G/BF, at the stage where your becoming G/BF you may recognize together or after you have become G/BF that it "won't work" but decide to still do stuff and so become FWB, just be a friend and build it up. why people have this thing about going straight into a relationship and seeking people purely for a relationship I don't know, being in a relationship should be a consequence of being really really good friends, unless of course chemestry is so strong sparks instantly go off.
ok so that response answered both of my questions then haha. So I guess just cont to hang out with the elevator girl and see where that leads and with the other girl I'm interested, I guess text her since tomorrow since that is more of the friendly thing to do and just act like I'm more interested than friends.
For me, I really want a relationship because I never had one and I'm 22 >< This was mostly due to the fact that it wasn't priority for me until a year ago and the few girls I actually were interested I guess weren't interested in me. I always got the "just friends" zone. Its a tough thing to avoid.
This whole thing is just so confusing though :(
> For me, I really want a relationship because I never had one and I'm 22
Did you just jump into the middle of this thread, or, did you begin at the top of Page One? I recommend that you browse the Index and read all of the articles that discuss dating.
> This was mostly due to the fact that it wasn't priority for me until a year ago and the few girls I actually were interested I guess weren't interested in me. I always got the "just friends" zone. Its a tough thing to avoid.
This is what dating is and should be all about: asking girlS out in order to learn more about each other, to see how your date interacts with others in public, and, to decide what characteristics about others you want or do not want.
Had you asked girls out, notified family and friends that you are interested in dating and to help you find someone, then you could have been going out after these first few placed you in their "just friends" zone. Shucks! did you ask them as friends, if they know of someone to date? This is called "networking".
> I don't know her well enough to even consider bf gf. I mean, our personalities seem so different it just doesn't seem like bf gf is even an option.
This is what dating is supposed to determine--compatibility. Some dates will last one or two occasions, others somewhat longer, a few long term, and one, will prove to be a keeper. Expect rejections because sooner or later all with fall by the wayside--except for thee one. In the meantime, go at the process with the intent and purpose of having fun and something to do on a Friday night instead of being home watching TV.
As noted, if she likes you, she will find time to spend with you for as long as it suits her purpose. If this is not a match, simply move on to the next person in line.
> She is also veryy independent which isn't a bad thing but I just wonder if its too much so for my liking.
She may be--now; yet when she finds someone worth guiding a relationship, she is likely to turn the reins over to you. As you so noted, independence is a good thing, yet the two of you should have some interests and activities you enjoy together.
> This is why I am interested in the FWB. I don't know how to get to know her better and stuff without getting put in the "just friends" zone.
You date. You develop a friendship; first and foremost. Each of you determines whether the two of you are a match. Once you have a good friendship established, then you can try adding a bit of romance into the mix. (Notice, I said romance, not "sex".) Fooling around and making out in progressive steps comes before jumping in the sack. Don't put the cart before the horse.
> I also have interest in this other girl that I am more interested in bf gf. My dilemma with her is how to go about the whole dating thing lol.
YOU ASK HER OUT ON A DATE TO DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC ON A PARTICULAR DAY AND AT A CERTAIN TIME.
I want to have a dinner date tomorrow but should I text her today or call her today or txt.call tomorrow?
Use the telephone. Never E-mail or send text messages. Hearing your voice puts a personality behind the words. A voice is much more personal. A voice demonstrates an added degree of planning and thought. A voice says "I care enough" to speak to you in person and ask. A voice lets each of you hear vocal inflections so you do not have to read between the lines, so to speak.
> I feel like calling is so last gen and awkward. I have no clue
There is your clue. Get a clue! Sometimes the old ways are the best ways because they work. To illustrate my point, go to the store or gift shop and look at all the greeting cards available. Sending a card or handing her a card or letting her discover a hidden card that you personally took the time and trouble to sort thru and select is much more important and telling than receiving a virtual card by E-mail that you saw on some website. Where's the paper, and the sealed envelope, and, the expectation? Geez, I hope you do not text your girlfriend and ask her to marry you!
> I'm trying to get a movie night at her place because everyone knows that the movie isn't the focus at all
It isn't? Like popcorn and soda, I thought necking was just icing on the proverbial cake. Well, maybe not so much, but my point is, get the relationship going, first. Half of Page One of the Index pertains to making out. Please read the articles and learn how and why things proceed in a certain order and then use the tools that are also discussed so that you know how fast to go, when to stop, and how to test boundaries. Being a good FWB is not all and just about sex. It also has to do with setting the stage and preparing the mind and body for sex.
>Did you just jump into the middle of this thread, or, did you begin at the top of Page One? I recommend that you browse the Index and read all of the articles that discuss dating.
I;ve read all 4 pages
> I recommend that you browse the Index and read all of the articles that discuss dating.
I do, but I never find the thread that corresponds to what I'm looking for. This isn't my first forum and its odd that I have trouble finding what I'm looking for :confused:
> Fooling around and making out in progressive steps comes before jumping in the sack. Don't put the cart before the horse.
Well, naturally and this is how it happened with the girl I lost my virginity to. Once the horse and buggy are moving I know what to do but the problem is getting the horse to walk.
> YOU ASK HER OUT ON A DATE TO DO SOMETHING SPECIFIC ON A PARTICULAR DAY AND AT A CERTAIN TIME.
Or in person would be better? I only see this girl every tues and thurs during class and I got her num last thurs.
> Please read the articles and learn how and why things proceed in a certain order and then use the tools that are also discussed so that you know how fast to go, when to stop, and how to test boundaries. Being a good FWB is not all and just about sex. It also has to do with setting the stage and preparing the mind and body for sex.
Oh yea, that is what I had in mind. If "something" happened that would be better than nothing.
The essental difference between FWB and being a booty call is that FWBs do things together outside of the bedroom that have very little or nothing to do with sex. What you want sounds more like a booty call - a friendly one, no doubt but still - "just the sex, ma'am".
Okay, now that we have our definitions straightened out - Does she have to head butt you before you get the message?!?!?! When a lady invites you back to her place she EXPECTS you to make something like a pass, dammit! Sit close and put an arm around her for heaven's sake!
No wonder you're always stuck in the "friend zone" - you leave the lady in doubt and she'll play it safe every single time because she thinks you're NOT interested.
I'm too much of a nice guy and read into things too much and it really is what's holding me back. :(
Although, maybe it was a good idea I didn't go for anything cause I found out last night that she was just dumped by her bf.
On the other hand, if I didn't know of anything of that nature then its not my fault if I do something if she gives me the clues. She may have wanted some rebound -fill in the blank-
Just for the record, I've been in a slow changing process for the past year. I decided to have sex before marriage about year ago (raised Catholic...yay :/ ) so lots of my ideas about this stuff is really conservative. Ex. if I get invited back to her room, I do first think that maybe she wants something but then I immediately doubt it and tell myself things that reinforce that its just a friendly thing and thats all. Its hard to change a bullshit viewpoint that you've built up for a lifetime and it really sucks.
Now that she told me about the break up and got emotional in front of me (this was totally unexpected when I visited btw), I really feel in danger of "the friends zone" unless I'm already put in it so I'm just going to lay low for now.
I've really got to stop thinking for the girl and just react on what she does and how she acts. I hate how insecure I can become :(
Yep, timidity and shyness wrecks another perfectly healthy male.
What you do is hug and hold and tell her there are other guys out there for her. When she denies it, you say "there's ME for one. So dry your eyes and lets go dancing". Then turn up the stereo and grab her hand and get moving.
Just because her ex was stupid is no reason why you should be too.
Wow, and I thought I would need to wait until she gets over him before going after her. And I thought the fact that this current break up was a rebound relationship from an earlier break up would be an extra no for us having a rebound w/e
I think seeing all this positive talk over and over on this forum will be good for me and really help me reprogram :D
Yes, rebound relationships can be fraught, but a smart male makes it so she drops him, not he her. It is easy getting rid of an unwanted partner; simply contradict everything, absolutely everything, he/she says.
Until she's married, boyfriend in evidence or not, she's available. Anyone else is not only none of your business, they are irrelevant since the only thing that matters is what is between you and she. She may want to test your sincerity a bit more but if you show your interest, wit and tenacity, you will win out in the end.
"Faint heart never won fair maid."
So be big, bad and bold while also being utterly reliable.
So what should I do about going for a kiss during this regrouping phase she is in? Wait or no? Just ask for a date and make it clear that I want it to be a date?
Also in response to "she invited you in, she expects a pass" What clues do you give a guy to show that you don't want that? Do you expect the guy to ask permission first?
Another thing is, I don't think I have too much of a problem getting in the room or inviting her to the room, but once that happens, I honestly don't know what to do from there and how to lead into the kiss. There isn't anything exciting or anything to do in my room to keep us busy except, well, me lol! I'm not sure what to do with when to go for it.
Jeez - a HUG works wonders - even if only "half a hug" where you put one arm around her shoulders and hold her for 20 seconds. (yes that has been researched - 20 seconds is minimum).
Friends or guys in the 'friend zone' hug and hold for LESS than 20 seconds while "a pass" is 20 seconds or longer. (Generally speaking, and you will have to modify to suit your particular application.)
IF you do this and she stiffens up and STAYS stiff - sorry but that's a ejection of your advances.
IF you do this and she stiffens then relaxes - you are in with a chance.
IF you do this and she's relaxed about it - then you're golden - go for the kiss which should also last for 20 seconds.
Specific enough?
Ok,
So I called her up just now and told her that I would like to take her out to dinner tomorrow and she said, yes we can go out.
So afterwards I'll walk her back to her room and if I'm not invited in I'll ask to kiss her there. If she does invite me in then I have no idea when to make the move lol.
> So I called her up just now and told her that I would like to take her out to dinner tomorrow and she said, yes we can go out.
Something ventured, something gained. Well done, my man!
> So afterwards I'll walk her back to her room and if I'm not invited in I'll ask to kiss her there.
Asking to kiss her would not be your best move. I gather from your statement that you have not read the two-part article listed in the Index that discusses the gentle art of kissing.
KISSING & CARESSING--a young person's guide to EXPLORATION
Please read That First Kiss--
Something else for you to read is the chapter dealing with Implied Consent and Boundaries.
> If she does invite me in then I have no idea when to make the move lol.
What move do you mean?
If she invites you in, be a gentleman and do not try to make out, or worse, get into her panties. Sit and talk with her and wind down the evening. Let her know that you enjoyed the date (if you did), and would like to ask her out again.
If she wants more, she will let you know. You can try cuddling if there is room and it is her wish. Perhaps she will suggest something to do. Do not over stay your welcome. Better to leave early and return, again, another day/evening. Keep in mind that communication and feedback are an important part of dating and relationships. Talk with one another. Learn about each other. If, sometime weeks or months down the road the two of you are open to making out, then let it happen naturally. It is absolutely wrong to equate a date with sex.
I've just read to see if there is something I don't know but most of it affirmed what I did with my first girl so I think I have a good handle on that. Its just getting into it is the tricky part for me. (or I guess its more like, I have problems finishing what I set up)
The reason why I think there isn't any problem in asking for a kiss is because this isn't the first time we've "hung out." The first time I invited her over for dinner so I guess it was a date? Then she invited me back to her place after dinner which I didn't do anything because it was like our first "date" or whatever you want to call it and didn't want to read too much into things. I don't have a problem with being a gentleman when asked back in the room, my problem is not knowing when to lose the gentleman-ness. I'm sure I've had more times where I should have made a move (read: kiss) but was too caught up in being a gentleman.
I wonder if I should bring a condom with me just in case because if anything happens, it most likely will be at her place since we both know her bed is bigger. The only problem is that my lube bottle is way too big to be concealed and putting a few drops inside the condom realllly helps out a lot. What do girls usually think about a guy producing a condom when the situation presents itself that is not in his room? Do you think "man he is prepared. Nice!" or do you think "Oh so now I see what his intentions were all along." I would guess that it could be equally a downer to be like "oh sorry I can't do this because I need to go back to my room and get a condom."
Idk, at this point we know each other well enough that I think its appropriate to at least ask for a kiss and she will know that I'm not just in it to use her for what I want. What do you think?
> The reason why I think there isn't any problem in asking for a kiss is because this isn't the first time we've "hung out."
> Idk, at this point we know each other well enough that I think its appropriate to at least ask for a kiss and she will know that I'm not just in it to use her for what I want. What do you think?
You are missing or overlooking my point. Most women like a man who is confident and while asking for a kiss is polite and courteous, the very nature of asking does not exude confidence.
As noted in the article, observe her body language. More often than not women will convey their interest in this. Did you read the information on Implied Consent?
> I wonder if I should bring a condom with me just in case because if anything happens
Hoping to get lucky? "Luck" is defined as when opportunity meets preparedness. Nuf said.
Now, having said that, I'm more for learning more about each other and how to turn each other on, first and foremost. Do not be in a rush to get inside her panties. I recommend spending lots of time fooling around and making out and developing these aspects of your burgeoning relationship before trying for intercourse.
Guys can be UP and ready within moments. Gals, not so soon. It can take half an hour or longer to fully arouse a woman. This is why the Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting stages are so important. Learn how to do these well and chances are the rest will be more rewarding.
Because this is a new relationship, what are your intentions right now?
* Based upon historical data, guys want orgasms any way possible,
and with a partner is preferable.
* Based upon historical data, guys do not place much importance on
their partner's wishes, needs, or, enjoyment, so long as she participates
in his pleasure.
Regardless of how you answer the question, the path is the same. Learn to make love to her mind, first, and foremost, before adding the physical side. Guys do not understand this important and necessary concept because we do not require any emotional buildup. We can separate our emotions from the physical much more easily and with little or no harm to the psyche than can women. This is why saying that if you want a solid meaningful relationship to develop over time, then learn the importance of arousing her mind before all else. This is not to say you can't enjoy a Quickie now and then because she will probably have already "jump started" her libido.
> What do girls usually think about a guy producing a condom when the situation presents itself that is not in his room? Do you think "man he is prepared. Nice!" or do you think "Oh so now I see what his intentions were all along."
Once, again, I implore you to read the articles listed in the Index. For teens and young adults in their twenties, a condom is insufficient protection. It has become a mantra on this site that if you are not prepared and do not wish to become an unwed father then wear a condom. If your partner is unprepared, does not wish to become an unwed mother and to have the future course of her life forever changed, then she needs to take care of A#1 {herself) and be on the pill or using some other form of highly reliable contraceptive. As a back up, the two of you should also have a third line of protection in place--spermicide. If you want to play adult games, you have to be adult when it comes to responsibility and possible consequences.
This requires having a discussion before plugging P into V. Discussing what to do and when after reaching the foreplay stage of making out will answer your questions and concerns. A conversation will also let you know when she is ready for intercourse if at all. A conversation will convey to her your concern for being responsible and being fully prepared. You won't have to worry about a condom until then. You can carry your large bottle of lube in a "plain brown wrapper" and let her wonder what is inside the bag. A conversation will permit both of you to prepare mentally as well as physically for your inaugural event. A conversation will whet each other's anticipation and reduce "what if" questions.
Making love is not what we do to each other; rather what we do with and for each other in partnership. Explore and learn together.
> ...if I do something if she gives me the clues.
See, this is why when it comes to kissing or not, asking is nice but not manly. Place the steps in motion as described in the article on kissing. If you misread her signals, then she will no doubt politely stop you. When you learn to use Implied Consent and work within her Boundaries, you will eliminate most of the "what if" questions and concerns.
> Its just getting into it is the tricky part for me. (or I guess its more like, I have problems finishing what I set up)
Learn to use Implied Consent and work within Boundaries. There is at least one article on these important concepts! **
> I'm sure I've had more times where I should have made a move (read: kiss) but was too caught up in being a gentleman.
I have read a few books on relationships in which the author categorically states that a man should be the leader. Personally, I believe a man should guide a relationship with the full cooperation of his partner. There is a difference. **
You "ask" by going so far and then leaving it up to her to meet you.
For example: time to say goodbye, you have her there in a loose hold in your arms facing each other, He raises an eyebrow in wicked inquiry whilst smiling. In that situation, SHE cannot help but "answer".
You can verbally ask (not so 'manly') and you can also non-verbally ask (which might be more 'manly').
Well, I have some time to embody this information. We were supposed to have dinner after her work but she texted me yesterday saying that she just got a call saying that she can pick up a kitten that she wanted tomorrow. She apologized and stated that she will have to reschedule the dinner. So I guess I'll wait until the end of the week to see if she contacts me about the reschedule else I'll ask her again.
I must have missed the Implied Consent article so I'll go read that.
Oh, and of course I won't rush into intercourse, I was asking about the condom thing because my first girl that I had sex with, she initiated sex but I didn't have any so we couldn't do it that night.
>For example: time to say goodbye, you have her there in a loose hold in your arms facing each other
lol, this is going to be challenging since she is half my height :p
And why didn't you say: "Can I come too? I love cats!"
Idk, I guess I'm being too cautious of the friends zone. So what would you say my next move is? Wait until she tells me of another date (since she said she would) or wait until the weekend and if I don't hear from her, call/text her for one on the weekend?
> > And why didn't you say: "Can I come too? I love cats!"
-or- "I love cats, too, how 'bout I pick you up and drive, that way you can hold the kitten on the way home?
-or- something similar.
> So what would you say my next move is? Wait until she tells me of another date (since she said she would) or wait until the weekend and if I don't hear from her,
You could, but, I wouldn't wait. My suggestion is to call her, tomorrow and invite her out. Understand that she may have existing plans so give her two days and two times; in other words, "is Saturday evening good, or would Friday evening be better?" What time is best: 5:30 or 6:30? (Use the dates and times that are appropriate.)
> call/text her for one on the weekend?
Now, we're going in circles. I answered this on the 26th.
Communication is the cornerstone of every relationship. If you cannot talk to one another, then how are you going to share thoughts, desires, likes, dislikes, problems, etc.? Pick up the telephone, call her, and speak into the microphone. Listen to her, hear her words, her vocal inflections, and begin establishing a closeness that texting and E-mail just do not do.
Ok I will do that. I didn't know if calling her again so soon would make me seem pushy or not patient after my text reply said something along the lines of "let me know when your schedule opens up and we'll reschedule."
Ok now I'm ready to hear how that was a terrible open ended reply that violated some rule about dating lol :)
As long as you are timid - you will be "in the friend zone".
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