Just what is 'chemistry'?

[RichardJohnson]

I've been thru several friendships where we seem to click really well. Especially this last one. We're still friends, and we both have said we want each other in our lives. She has told me 'i enjoy everything about you' but also has said 'we just dont have chemistry'. We cant seem to not go a day without exchanging 20 or so texts, we have this flirty 'banter' but yet she also considers me a good source to vent or tell me her troubles.

To me, chemistry is all about compatibility. its about a spiritual connection where you cannot go more than a day without seeing them, or more than a couple hours without thinking of them. I know looks are important to a point...but when i hear the whole 'chemistry isnt there'....it sounds like she thinks she could do better in the looks department. Yes or no?

[RedRoses]

I think you are right in many ways. However; the compatibility can be at a deeper level. Something that causes a burning desire that makes your blood boil and your heart beat faster. It's like a vibe that syncs or spark that lights fire, something beyond reason. The part that's chemistry is about a hormonal/chemical response in our bodies. Some scientists say triggered by the pheromones that "match" between two people. So it could have something to do with physical, yet deeper than appearance alone.

Chemistry is a very hard concept to grasp. It's there. Or it isn't. When it was there, it can disappear without warning over the years between people. It can also slowly be building, but you don't know it's there till it hits. And in rare cases; people "suddenly" see someone they know in a different light and "boom". This particularly can happen when either of you is in a phase of change. That's not something you should be calculating for or counting on, because there is no magic formula. Change should be for yourself and not to "fit" someone else. You could say the only way to improve the vibe, chemicals and appearance you're sending into the world is by simply being yourself and enjoying it

I'd say: don't force things that are not there. Enjoy your friendship, because it sounds like you two have a beautiful thing going on there!

[llovell]

Sometimes it's social chemistry. You just get on better with some personalities than others. Some personalities are better complimentary matches to eachother. Or maybe you'll have precisely compatible interests that'll keep you talking long into the night. Think about it; why do you make freinds with some people and not others? There's nothing wrong with most people, you just didn't "click" with them. Nothing spiritual about it.

There's also the chemical thing. I remember I worked with a guy once that made me physically warm just by being in the room. It was weird! I could tell if he had arrived behind me by the rise in my body temperature. I assume that I was reacting to his pheremones. Most guys don't do that to me, and there's no way I can control how my body feels about you.

If she says "chemistry isn't there", it means she just doesn't fancy you that much in these involuntary ways, and you shouldn't feel bad about it because her involuntary biological responses are nobody's fault.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the way you look, just not her taste. Apples and oranges, see?

[RichardJohnson]

thanx u two...good info.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Tsk.

Chemistry is exactly what it says it is - your pheronomes are not compatible with her pheronomes so her sexual interest in you is nil. Oh, she likes you well enough - like a brother, say, or a good friend but as far as sex goes...no.

And that's all it is. Your hormones make hers...yawn and begin looking for the exit.

It has nothing to do with 'a spiritual connection' (gag) or 'looks' or money, power, wealth yadda yadda yadda - all of those things men like assuage their egos with by imagining 'if only I had x she'd love me'.

So if you're wondering why a guy of whom you'd say "If she ever gets an eye exam, he's so screwed" is with your dream-girl, that's why.

[RichardJohnson]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Tsk.

Chemistry is exactly what it says it is - your pheronomes are not compatible with her pheronomes so her sexual interest in you is nil. Oh, she likes you well enough - like a brother, say, or a good friend but as far as sex goes...no.

And that's all it is. Your hormones make hers...yawn and begin looking for the exit.

It has nothing to do with 'a spiritual connection' (gag) or 'looks' or money, power, wealth yadda yadda yadda - all of those things men like assuage their egos with by imagining 'if only I had x she'd love me'.

So if you're wondering why a guy of whom you'd say "If she ever gets an eye exam, he's so screwed" is with your dream-girl, that's why.

ill agree with the whole pheronomes idea. but if, as u say, she's with an ugly guy because their scent matches...sorry, dont buy it. looks play a part of 'chemistry'. i dont care how much their scents match, there has to be an attraction....

[big916]

Attractive people are more likely to have better smells to others and unattractive people will be the opposite. Nature has never been nice. So your statement most likely wouldnt happen.

[EvilEvilKitten]

How to say this nicely?

You're wrong.

It isn't "attractive people smell nicer". Pfft. How your pheronomes work is based upon your immune system and compatible immune systems smell nice and attractive to you. Incompatible immune systems will just stink and repel you. And it is all beyond your control.

Chemistry has NOTHING to do with how you look.

[big916]

Just passing along info from the discovery channel eek. I trust that they do their homework.

[RedRoses]

Let's break that statement from Discovery down into pieces:

a) Some people have a smell that's attractive to a bigger group of people than others. Which is only logical. As EEK points out: the way we smell is based on our blue print. Genes with little deceases should attract more people.
b) In physical appearance some people attract a bigger group of people than others. Research shows us that symmetrical features attract. People who posses those features, generally have a more healthy genetic blue print.

The correlation between certain physical beauty-aspects and the attractive smell produced, is therefor not weird at all, since they both give us signals about the genes underneath.

And that's the baseline of what the system of chemistry is all about; finding a genetic compatible mate. And the more healthy the genes, the more people will feel that they are compatible. However; matching comes from both ways or it won't work So that the more people are attracted to you, does not mean you are attracted to them, or at least not all. Though it needs to be pointed out women seem more sensitive to this than men. Since she births children, nature has made her a bit more selective.

BUT; it is not meant to say that the people we feel attracted to need be "beautiful" by general standards. Reasons for that.

a) Our nature makes us find someone genetically compatible. A good genetic match to me, may be a disastrous match to another.
b) Just because there is a significant correlation between physical appearance, attractive smells and healthy genes, does not mean there is a guarantee. Especially not in this day and age.
c) Our social perspective can have a great influence on what we consider "beautiful" and that can damn near overwrite instincts. The mind is such a powerful thing.

There is a tricky part when it comes to us humans. We could actually debate how well this ancient system is still working these days. The way we live has made us less susceptible to natural instincts. We hide our bodies under clothes, which research has shown makes us less able to judge body-language and therefor also diminishes our ability to pick up on subtle (sexual) cues. We use cosmetic products all the time that change the way we look and smell. Several medication and supplements are known to change the way your own sweat smells and the way your body distributes fluids (which is an important way of how the body creates symmetry) for both better and worse. Not to mention surgery- both medical and plastic. And even the way we judge scents is compromised. For instance: several studies have pointed out that women who are on hormonal birth control judge scents very differently.

This thread reminds me of my biology-teacher in highschool who explained women have been given a difficult task by nature. She needs to find genetic compatible male to conceive a child with. But she also needs to bond with a man with more caring aspects, as her infant will be born helpless and needs many years growing up before reaching adulthood. Iow: a good mate and a good father to her child. Hardly do they come in one package- or so it seems Sex is both the biological and social glue to achieve her purpose. Which is why women can feel so confused being attracted to men without any reason but her cells screaming fire, yet wanting to be with another who's sweet, charming, kind, reliable, caring, etc.

In the society as we've built it where monogamy is celebrated and fatherhood is planned pre-dating conception; we don't live by nature's standards at all. Although perhaps our social layers cover up more than we think. It's not surprising that a large world-wide DNA-research program by accident pointed out that about 1/3 of all fathers are raising children that are biologically not his, without him knowing this