What's fun?

[masked ermine]

I know it sounds like an obtuse question....but in another thread someone said that women like fun...and well, I don't think I'm fun.

I mean the kind of things I like to do, like read, and watch tv, and go birdwatching, and I used to bowl. I like to kinda hike, more like nature walks. I like to do research...I enjoy searching for papers.

It's just, these things in general have been things I do alone. I mean the bowling I was on a league but...I never felt part of the team. I was just the guy they had on as the fifth guy. And I don't particularly enjoy bars or clubs.

The thing is, other people don't think anything I do for 'fun' is fun. In fact many people would say I'm dull. So...anyways...what's fun?

[RedRoses]

What's fun?

To keep it simple: it's the aspects in which you match considering it fun The things you do alone can become the things you like doing together. It can be the things you both like talking and exchanging thoughts about. Don't underestimate how attractive it can be when minds meet. It could even be someone enjoys hearing you talk about it. My ex-lover liked it when I would tell him something I had just discovered. Sometimes he could relate to the subject and we'd fire eachother up in conversation, sometimes it was simply the enthusiasm that radiated from me that he loved.

So what do you know? There could be an enthusiastic bird-watcher out there that loves to walk along with you in nature. There could be a lovely hiker who loves how you talk about birds that she has always considered part of the scenery. There could be a surprising woman out there with whom you'd think you have nothing in common, yet suddenly you find yourselves talking research till 4 in the morning. Etcetera. In fact: I'm sure these women exist.

The most fun person is someone who enjoys being himself

[Brandye]

Redroses has given you the push to join where women are. Book clubs, garden clubs, birdwathers are all places where women tend to congregate. If not of the proper age, everyone of them has a niece or granddaughter who is having the same problems you are. Cycling, sailing, pottery. Find out what what women in your area are interested in. You may not get invited to a Mary Kay party, but you will come close.

Use your imagination. I have even been laid in the stacks of a library. Talk about a hangout for loners!

[g-dubz]

Originally Posted by Brandye

I have even been laid in the stacks of a library. Talk about a hangout for loners!

You just reminded me of an incident back when I was in college a few years ago when a police officer caught two guys having sex in one of the back stairwells of our school library

[masked ermine]

Originally Posted by Brandye

Redroses has given you the push to join where women are. Book clubs, garden clubs, birdwathers are all places where women tend to congregate. If not of the proper age, everyone of them has a niece or granddaughter who is having the same problems you are. Cycling, sailing, pottery. Find out what what women in your area are interested in. You may not get invited to a Mary Kay party, but you will come close.

Use your imagination. I have even been laid in the stacks of a library. Talk about a hangout for loners!

Having sex in the library is...very inappropriate and more of a disgust and annoyance to library workers (which I used to be) than anything, and really highly inconsiderate...considering. Not to mention...the rather disparaging remark that is towards libraries and the people who use libraries....in general.

There really aren't clubs like that around where I live, rural...I belong to a birding organization but it's more of a statewide thing....and the women are...much older, and the younger women....well...have boyfriends, husbands....fiances....

I don't cycle though, I walk, alone.

And I've found that when I'm with people doing the things I like to do, I enjoy those things less. Maybe I'm just a horrible stick in the mud...I don't know. I'm not really interested in finding new hobbies or pretending to like something just to meet women. And the women locally, my age who aren't married, with children or boyfriended up...are not at an education level that I'm sure I could feel happy with.

Maybe I'm asking a more basic question than I thought...not so much what activities are fun but what fun feels like.

I mean I don't I guess understand that. Because the things I like to do I like to do, because they get me away from well...the crap in my life, not necessarily because they are that blissful or wonderful....or exciting.

[RedRoses]

The way you write -both content and the pauzes- very much resembles another member on this forum.

I'll just say this: all you need in your life is to find the things that makes it joyful. And that can require thinking outside the box.

So; if you like being alone, there's no-one who can tell you that you can't be. And I don't say this to be harsh. I'm saying this because you don't have to go out and try and fit a social picture you don't want to be in, even pretend to like it. Too many men and women have married and raised families, because they were expected to do so. When all they wanted with their life was to live alone. Some with a minimum of social activities. Some with a lot social activities, just as long as they could return to an empty home. Their joy could have been their art, a hobby, a job. It would have made them happy. Instead: their life, including that of wife and kids, became wrapped in a gray shadow. Today I know quite few people to which this type of alone life genuinely does make them happy. They've deliberately and consciously chosen for it. And that's just wonderful

[Nervous_One]

Red, if you meant to say this guy sounds a lot like me then I agree -- he does. O.o I guess there are more guys like me out there than I give credit for.

On-topic, though, I feel your pain bud. While I'm not a birdwatcher, I have dabbled in research and other things (I'm a cryptozoology and history buff). I know how it feels to see that every eligible woman you see is either already in a relationship or is engaged, or is married. My only advice is that you keep on trucking and hope you find one that isn't. That's what I've been doing.

[llovell]

Originally Posted by masked ermine

I mean the kind of things I like to do, like read, and watch tv, and go birdwatching, and I used to bowl. I like to kinda hike, more like nature walks. I like to do research...I enjoy searching for papers.
other people don't think anything I do for 'fun' is fun.

That is demonstrably false.

You may see me supping the odd cocktail with my ladytypes at a fancy bar occasionally. But what do I do day to day, when you're not able to observe and make assumptions about my behaviour? I paint, I get excited about documentaries about mummies, I go to figure drawing classes, I do yoga, I go digging for gemstones with my boyfreind, I go to musicals. And yes, birdwatching IS fun.

It sounds like you are socialising with very dull people, if all they think is fun is clubbing.

Either that or you aren't taking the time to get to know them. You need to seek people out who share your interests, and actually talk to people to find out what gets them going.

Also RedRoses is right; a lot of whether or not people will think you are dull is to do with your attitude, and not your actual interests.

My partner used to use Meetup to find hiking groups, you could try that.

[EvilEvilKitten]

The essential problem with both Nervous One and Masked Ermine is "making unwarranted assumptions both about themselves and about other people".

They assume that other people don't like them because they're 'boring' and they complain about 'feeling they're not part of the team'. The two go hand-in-hand. YOU think you're boring and this is how you present yourself to others and people being as they are, kindly take you on your own valuation.

Watch what happens here:
You think you're boring so you behave in a way that clues others' into agreeing with you so they back off which reaction just confirms your original supposition.

Then there's the utter snobbery of the available women 'not being up to my standards" for whatever reason. The hard truth is at this point in time BREATHING is your 'standard'. It is foolish to talk of batting average when you can't swing a bat and hit the ball at all. But this too is a common feature of the lone person mindset. Denigrating what they ardently desire.

Watch again:
Socially unsuccessful persons unable to account for this lack of success and unwilling to change, for that would have meant there's something wrong with them or their thinking and no one likes that, tend to sneer at what they desire to preserve their fragile ego.

(Note the gender neutrality of the language.)

This also has bearing upon their not liking bars and clubs. I can agree that they can be boring and nasty places yet that is where the people are and they go there to meet people, to talk, to flirt and to dance. That is the point of the place - to get out of the house.

My example will now take you into a different world but the point illustrated remains true.

Single mature male at a swing club that's packed to the walls with willing half-naked and naked women and lots of willing men. Neophytes go there assuming they're going to have an easy time of it. They won't. The ladies will be polite but the answer will be "no thank you". How he reacts to this will determine his ultimate success or failure. Being patient, friendly, outgoing without being pushy and having a good time 'women-watching' will lead to success. Being anything less will guarantee failure. Invariably, the unsuccessful man will begin badmouthing the women - old, fat, stupid and ugly wh%#$ and so on.

Instead of 'getting out' and letting women in their area know they're alive and looking, these two men have retreated into their solitary existences and have begun bad-mouthing those they desire. Look, guys, the women are NOT going to beat a path to your door. You MUST get out, go out, and keep at it for as long as it takes. If you really want love you'll have to do what's required to get it. Moaning in here is NOT going to cut it.

As part of your education, NO & ME, watch the tv series "An Idiot Abroad" and note how the attitude of the "idiot" affects the outcomes. He could be having a lot of fun, and remember he's being paid to do these things, and yet - nope!

[g-dubz]

To reinforce EEK's argument...

David Wygant: Is Your Love Life Worthy of Valentines Day?