Why do I put myself down?

[curious Al]

Hi,

Me and my ex girlfriend broke up nearly two years now, we had been together for nearly four years, she was my first serious realtionship. We had that awkward period after the break up where we slept together a few and she was trying to get back with me but really messed me around (she ended it, broke my heart, couldnt do it). Over the past 2 years, I've had what I can only really describe as rebound sex with a lot of girls - I've used protection and check regularly - but wont do so more then 1 or 2 times becuase I dont want any attachment. At the peril of my reputation with some people I know.

Recently, I've become tired of playing the game, wouldnt mind taking a break and chilling out with one girl for a while. I dont want anything heavy. I've been sleeping with a girl for the past couple of months and we get on well, have a laugh etc. But we wouldnt have a relationship, I dont think this is that kind of thing.

I have had issues with my self-confidence when it comes to getting close to people I've realised since my break up. I start to question my worth, dont feel as good about myself as I used to or feel as confident of things as simple as conversation and more importantly sober socialising. Im full of confidence when I've had a couple drinks, but I've found that this has meant I rely on the booze to bring out the real me. This brake up happened ages ago and its driving me crazy being like this. I can honestly say Im over my last relationship, I dont regret it, dont miss her or want her back etc.

Most aspects of life Im extremely confident and will throw myself at new experiences. But in this area I feel I have very little confidence (unless I've had a couple of drinks) and I want it to stop. I would like to meet some nice girls but I feel like one of those tragic love stories where the broken hearted man will forever walk alone. Sad and cliche as it sounds.

Bit of a novel - but would really just like some advice or if any of you have had similar experiences and how you got rid of that grey cloud. I should maybe add, Im not the sulking guy at a party. Im very bubbly and friendly, easily approachable, have good friends and go out a lot.

But yeah. Would appreciate any advice.
Many thanks

[lulu_kachoo]

Haven't really got any advice but I often feel the same way. I've never had a boyfriend but I'd really like one. I've had a lot of flings and casual stuff but I'm kind of over it, I want to someone to share with. I'm involved with a guy in a sort of friends-with-benefits-with-feelings over complicated mess, but unfortunately he's kind of a prick and we were never going to date. But yeah I'm really quiet, I find it hard to make friends and build up relationships. Unless I'm drinking then I can talk to anyone and that's usually just a bad impression on guys when I'm all drunk and stupid. And I feel like I'm always missing out on the nice, stable guys.

It really gets me down too. I understand ):

[Aphrodite_66]

Originally Posted by curious Al

Hi,

Me and my ex girlfriend broke up nearly two years now, we had been together for nearly four years, she was my first serious realtionship. We had that awkward period after the break up where we slept together a few and she was trying to get back with me but really messed me around (she ended it, broke my heart, couldnt do it). Over the past 2 years, I've had what I can only really describe as rebound sex with a lot of girls - I've used protection and check regularly - but wont do so more then 1 or 2 times becuase I dont want any attachment. At the peril of my reputation with some people I know.

Recently, I've become tired of playing the game, wouldnt mind taking a break and chilling out with one girl for a while. I dont want anything heavy. I've been sleeping with a girl for the past couple of months and we get on well, have a laugh etc. But we wouldnt have a relationship, I dont think this is that kind of thing.

I have had issues with my self-confidence when it comes to getting close to people I've realised since my break up. I start to question my worth, dont feel as good about myself as I used to or feel as confident of things as simple as conversation and more importantly sober socialising. Im full of confidence when I've had a couple drinks, but I've found that this has meant I rely on the booze to bring out the real me. This brake up happened ages ago and its driving me crazy being like this. I can honestly say Im over my last relationship, I dont regret it, dont miss her or want her back etc.

Most aspects of life Im extremely confident and will throw myself at new experiences. But in this area I feel I have very little confidence (unless I've had a couple of drinks) and I want it to stop. I would like to meet some nice girls but I feel like one of those tragic love stories where the broken hearted man will forever walk alone. Sad and cliche as it sounds.

Bit of a novel - but would really just like some advice or if any of you have had similar experiences and how you got rid of that grey cloud. I should maybe add, Im not the sulking guy at a party. Im very bubbly and friendly, easily approachable, have good friends and go out a lot.

But yeah. Would appreciate any advice.
Many thanks

I did feel exactly the same way as you in that I used alcohol as a means to escape.I was a much more confident and assertive person with alcohol in my system and was more adventurous too.I know it's very hard after a break up,I have had several of those and it really deflates and humiliates you. I did not start dating till 9 years after my husband and I broke up.It wasn't because I wanted him back I just had very low self esteem and thought that no one else would want me.

When someone else did express interest in me, I had a new lease on life so to speak.It didn't last long but prompted me to keep on dating and gaining more confidence in myself.I must say that I had a few hit and misses during that period but have finally met the love of my life.I still find it hard to adjust to not being in abusive and adulterous relationships.My ex husband gave me lots of attention and although he was manipulative ,dominating and controlling and used sex as a means to get his own way,I was being noticed.Now my new man is the exact opposite and gives me freedom and doesn't use sex to manipulate me,but I feel at a loss because it seems that I am not getting the attention I was getting before.I am afraid that I will jeopardise our relationship and drive him away with all of my fears.

Just try to be your natural self and date as many girls as possible to boost your confidence.Also try not to use alcohol too much as a means of escape from the real you.You may find that you will have more disappointments than success but keep persevering and you will win out in the end.I do wish you the best of luck in your search.

[EvilEvilKitten]

STOP seeking validation outside of yourself. You are no more unworthy than the next person and we have ALL been there doubting.

Your attitude is driving people away from you. What attracts people is JOY, CONFIDENCE, and BEING OPEN. Saying you're "over playing the game" is like saying "I'm dead." The game is part of the fun. It is more like dancing than anything else. Forward, back and then around catch me if you can - it is all great fun!

Even if you have to fake it - DO IT.

You have a car wreck but you still get into the car and drive to work - same thing here. One relationship ends and another comes along when it will but in the meantime - dance on!

[curious Al]

Appreciate the replies.

[tiffers]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

STOP seeking validation outside of yourself. You are no more unworthy than the next person and we have ALL been there doubting.

Your attitude is driving people away from you. What attracts people is JOY, CONFIDENCE, and BEING OPEN. Saying you're "over playing the game" is like saying "I'm dead." The game is part of the fun. It is more like dancing than anything else. Forward, back and then around catch me if you can - it is all great fun!

Even if you have to fake it - DO IT.

You have a car wreck but you still get into the car and drive to work - same thing here. One relationship ends and another comes along when it will but in the meantime - dance on!

I agree with most of what you said EEk. But I have an issue with where you said "Even if you have to fake it - DO IT. " Faking it is never the anser. If the only way he can be happy is to fake it then he just ends up miserable. But worse then miserable its a miserable person behind a happy mask. Thats a person that wont seek help or deal with the problems.

Being sad on its own is not destructive. But when being sad takes over your life, you seek help. Not just hide it and hope it gets better.

[EvilEvilKitten]

In the absence of medical issues (depression and so on), being sad is a choice. All emotions are choices and are therefore under our control and are our own responsibility. Effective control can be gained by directly choosing to feel "faking it" the opposite emotion - from sad to happy.

Once you have done that and have experienced people enjoying to be around you for a change because you are 'happy' - being happy is reinforced by rewards more positive than being petted like some pet dog "poor baby" by others trying to assuage your sadness.

The difference is between glad to be with you as opposed to being glad they're not you.

After breaking-up a 4 yr relationship, a person will feel sad and question his/her worth. The hormones of attachment take some time to go away. But after 2 yrs - time enough to be moving on.

[BigKahuna]

hmmmmmmmmm

[RichardJohnson]

Ill tell ya my story. Drove semi truck for 4 yrs. Ate like crap, ended up ballooning up to 340 lbs as of the end of May 2011. In the weeks/mo prior to that, i was unhappy, mainly because it was lonely on the road and because i looked like crap....which made me feel like crap. I came off the road in mid June, and a friend of mine talked me into joining a gym. Now i've always had feelings for her, and since i was turning over a new leaf, figure that would be a good reason/excuse to spend time with her. even if we were just gym buddies. i started working out, walking a treadmill and what not, mostly for me. i'd say 80% for me. but the other 20% was cause i wanted to look good for HER and other women in general.

Since then, ive lost close to 90 lbs in 9 months. dropped 4 pants sizes, i look alot better, but most importantly, my shole attitude and confidence is thru the roof!!