One Night Stand Rehashing

[PatHarrigan210]

Two 40-plus adults having a relationship. fairly new. still only a few months old. man basically compells the woman to retell a sexual adventure she's had in the past. woman finally agrees. they share a story from their past. woman tells man that in her young 20s she slept with her bf's best friend, and it was more or less under her bf's nose.
LOADS of questions!
1. I have very mixed feelings. On one hand, it sounds hot, exciting. Long time ago. she was a kid. she was desired. i like hearing that. i begged for the story! twister her arm to telling me the story. but i still don't really love the stroy for obvious reasons. odd to have mixed feelings?
2. do most 40-plus women, even the the most morally upstanding, have a few such stories hidden away in the closet.
3. most men accept the fact that their women has a past. they know about bfs, they probably assume there's been one night stands. but do most women have an over the top story or two that their husbands/bf don't know about or wouldn't want to know about.
4. being with a bf/gf's friend. this may sound terrible, but i actually think hooking up with a bf/gf's friend is common in high school or college. its a dangerous mix - fondess, perhaps attaction and alcohol. i know of people that have done it. is this sorta thing common? doesn't make it right. but is it common?
5. I'd love to ask her what "slept with" means in the this instance? bad idea?
6. is what she did a typical college one night stand? or WAY over the top???

[dlb]

1. odd to have mixed feelings? No, it is not odd to have mixed feelings. But you are in your forties,more mature psychologically and emotionally. There is nothing to be shocked or intimidated by.
2. do most 40-plus women, even the the most morally upstanding, have a few such stories hidden away in the closet. Probably yes, just as most 40s plus men who have never been shy and had sex while in college
3. most men accept the fact that their women has a past. they know about bfs, they probably assume there's been one night stands. but do most women have an over the top story or two that their husbands/bf don't know about or wouldn't want to know about.
I'm not sure what you mean by "over the top", but I don't really care. We are adults know and she is with me
4. being with a bf/gf's friend. this may sound terrible, but i actually think hooking up with a bf/gf's friend is common in high school or college. its a dangerous mix - fondess, perhaps attaction and alcohol. i know of people that have done it. is this sorta thing common? doesn't make it right. but is it common?
It is not unusual.
5. I'd love to ask her what "slept with" means in the this instance? bad idea?
"Slept with is usually a euphemism for having sex with. When people talk about sleeping with someone they are usually not talking about sleeping. It is possible that they were wearing pajamas and took a nap together on a very large bed, on top of the covers and on opposite sides of the bed. I say it is foolish to try and convince yourself of that.
6. is what she did a typical college one night stand? or WAY over the top???
Again I do not understand what you mean by way over the top. Having sex with your friend's girlfriend or boyfriend is not unusual. During my undergrad years and in the part of the world where I lived a lot of people shared their boyfriends or girlfriends. It was a different time, before AIDS

Pat Harrigan 210 you seem to be confused, shocked, possibly intimidated that your ladyfriend has a sexual past. By your own admission you "compelled" her to divulge this information. What she told you is really quite mundane. It's probably the most unimaginative sex adventure posted here this week - OK it's only Monday night Get over it dude before you stress out and can't kep it up when you have sex with her because you are imagining her doing your best friend right under your nose.

[Brandye]

Beyond a certain age (likely about twenty) there is an assumption that a potential partner "has a history." Beyond that, sharing details carries all sorts of risks. You have been shocked. Big deal. Most forty year old women could shock you because the sugar and spice stuff is for nursery rhymes.

I have NO forty year old friends with only one sex partner. None. And most of us have some stuff in the closet we would prefer not to have done. And I, for one, would not consider telling a new partner any of it.

[EvilEvilKitten]

You have mixed feelings because you WANT to think of her as loyal first and sexual sometime later on down the road. "Mary had a little lamb." and you've compounded sex with morals which, considering this is high school/college years the time for experimentation, is like compounding dining with morals. "You ate asparagus?!?!" Come on, guy, the girl was just out to have fun. She wasn't serious and if that's the worst she can come up with - well, hun, she's not even trying! I could tell you stories (evil grin)...

Yes, it is common. Yes, this sort of thing has been going on since the dawn of time. In fact, before settled agriculture it was a sexual feast and for some cultures still is. "Mutlimale-multifemale mating systems" is the technical term. The rest of us just call it Swinging/Lifestyle and fully 5% of the "post-agricultural" population is actively involved in such lifestyles. Where have you been?

WHY did you ask her? It is far more important for you to question your motives than for you to be worrying about her morals. Of course, she has a sexual past although a rather tame one, in my opinion. Whether she will share with you what she's learned, thus giving you the benefit of her experience, is another matter. If you permit your insecurity free rein, you will shut the lady down because she will think herself "unworthy" resulting in no sex for you at all ever after. The relationship ends.

So WHY did you ask her?

[dancingdoc2]

Relationships are formed when two people each with a past choose to come together and form a partnership that is greater than the sum of its two parts.

"For richer or poorer" or perhaps for better or worse, our past experiences contribute to who and what we are today. As mentioned, let bygones be bygones and do not dwell on the past except for how it affects the present.

"Over the top" is relative to your perspective on a particular matter. This is not unlike asking "how high is up". Consider the results, not how they were achieved, unless the person broke the law or moral code.

> I'd love to ask her what "slept with" means in the this instance? bad idea?

Bad idea. Better me thinks to ask what it mean to her in the here and now--not her past. The answer will be much more insightful and meaningful.

I hope this is of help, Pat. Got questions?

-doc

[Justsomebody]

I know a guy that lost his virginity when he was in his late teens. He lost it to his older brother's girlfriend. Maybe it's an Italian thing.