Giving space when needed...a certain situation

[blueyeslove]

So me and my bf have been dating about 2 months (friends before), it's been great we have fun together, care about each other and so on. Here's the situation..

Last night he had a car crash, he and his best friend were driving and the car rolled and it's totaled. He and his friend are okay but he seems to be in shock of course. He texted me last night saying he didn't want to talk and would call me later. I talked to him a bit tonight and he sounded so down. (He also has seasonal depression) I told him how I wish I could cheer him up. He said he didn't want to go out, and doesn't want to do anything. I said I would give him space for a bit.

Now I am a little worried because I feel something like this might make him break up with me. It's a pretty dramatic situation in his life. I'm sure he feels shock, scared, frustration and is pissed off about the car. I know guys are a bit different, because if this happen to me I would get all emotional and want to go be with him and cry etc. I just want a guys perspective on this and why you need space when this happens. I'm going to give him space for a few days, maybe wait until Tuesday or so and text him to see if he's okay to talk. Do you think that`s a long enough time.. Do you think a little text tomorrow or sometime this weekend would be okay?
For example I could say hey i am thinking about you and I'm here for you if you need to talk. Or hey things will get better i just want you to know im here

What do you think?

[dancingdoc2]

Your post is one of the most important to come along in quite awhile. Why? Because you bring up one of the major differences in human behavior between the genders and the perplexity it causes. We often hear the ol' adage, "women, what is it that they want", yet never has the man's quandary had a voice.

> I'm sure he feels shock, scared, frustration and is pissed off about the car. I know guys are a bit different, because if this happen to me I would get all emotional and want to go be with him and cry etc.

You are correct. Talking about, perhaps being questioned, rubs a raw nerve. Talking about it won't make "it" all go away. If he feels that the accident was his fault, he may very well feel that you will be judgmental, and he doesn't want to take a chance. Lastly, he may not know how to handle the situation, therefore not talking about it means he does not have to deal with the immediate predicament he may be in.

> Do you think that`s a long enough time.. Do you think a little text tomorrow or sometime this weekend would be okay?

My personal belief is that this is too long.
Forget texting. Forget E-mail. Pick up that old fashioned contraption called a telephone or its modern marvel equivalent--the cell phone, and call the lad. Why? Because for for all the modern technology, sending a text message by E-mail, or, an abbreviated English language transmission omits the emotional and vocal inflections that help to convey meaning and personality. (BTW, save texting and E-mails for brief non-critical or routine questions and answers.)

If you are truly concerned--speak to the other person. Think about the future:

* during your wedding ceremony are you going to "say" your vows to one another and your witnesses by texting to all concerned via a Local Area Network (the internet) from each of your smart phones? Is silence that golden??

I will leave what you say to you; however, one thing you might want to convey is that partners confide in one another and he needs to understand that you simply want him to take a chance on you.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?
-doc

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sweety - he's a man, and men are big, bad, bold and brave - they do not go emoting all over the place or want to just go and have a good cry on someone's shoulder. Forget giving him 'space' by doing what must needs be done - get food, take it to his place, then sit down and share it with him in SILENCE. Do not talk about 'the accident' - or anything else, your job is just to BE THERE, being quietly, undemandingly companionable.

Think 'cat curled up on a lap' and you'll get the drift.

I remember when a friend of mine's dog died. I got his phone call and he sounded bad. When he told me about his dog. I went over and we just hugged standing up in the doorway without speaking.

[blueyeslove]

Thanks for the help. As to update, we talked last night but not about the accident. I said we don't have to and that it's okay with me that he doesn't want to talk about it. I said (this was over facetime) that he seemed a bit happier but he still doesn't feel like talking much. He told me he's forked out a lot of money due to the accident and will be on a tight budget for the next 2-3 months. He's got a good job and usually has extra money to spend which he likes to do. So I can understand he's bummed out about not being able to do that for a while.
Now I want to know what I should do, because he doesn't feel like chit chatting for a while. I'm thinking of just doing a short and sweet call to see how he is or talk about an interest (music, we both play paintball, his new motor bike, etc I guess talk about his interests to get his mind off the car and money issue)

[EvilEvilKitten]

*sigh* Stop talking. Just BE. Do you understand? SILENCE will heal it faster.

If he doesn't have money to spend, then you take him out - just because, nothing fancy. Grab a camera and just walk around snapping eachother.

Once again, stop talking. Grin, wink, laugh, hug him - keep it light but quiet.