Him and my roommates

[sej3991]

I live with four other girls, two of who I'm very close with and spend a lot of time with. I've also been casually seeing a guy for about the last four months, somewhat on and off. It's not a proper relationship, I guess I'd say we're more.. special friends.

Anyway, the problem is that my two friends/roommates absolutely hate him. It got to the point where I couldn't have him over in the apartment any more, and has since gotten to the stage where we have to sneak around late at night to go and see each other. It really does get to me and him, as obviously I get caught between both sides.

When I originally started seeing him, my roommates liked him. But I went through a stage where I was completely confused where our relationship was going and because I had feelings for him, resulting in me getting completely upset. I stopped seeing him for a while, but couldn't really stick with it. After a few weeks we started hooking up again, which they though was a 'bad decision' and where the problems really started. Both started bickering; he was being a smartass, they were being snarky, I'd just get upset because I couldn't keep either side happy. He'd also come around drunk a lot, make noise etc (which I can understand did annoy them). Eventually I just gave up trying to sort it out becuase people never listen to me and started seeing him at night after they were in bed.

Recently I had another fight with him about it, as he said it was immature that my roommates refused to talk to him or let him apologise. He can be an asshole sometimes, but I think he really wants to work things out now, just so it;s less stressful. The problem is that both of my roommates are ridiculously stubborn when it comes to hating people and I'm unsure how to approach the topic with them.

In the past I tried telling them to just stay out of my love life, but that didn't work out. It's also difficult because they know I get upset about him sometimes, so I think they're just attempting to be protective. This is also... bitchy I guess, but part of me also wonders if they're a little jealous because I have him and they want boyfriends but don't have them.

This is a ridiculously long story, sorry, but basically I'm just not sure what to do next in this situation. I don't think it's fair that I have to choose between him and my friends, and I also think it's stupid we have to sneak around like teenagers hiding from our parents. I don't expect them to ever be friends with him, but I really like him so I'd like to at least be able to see him whenever I want without having to deal with the bitching about it.

P.S. I make my friends sound like horrible people, but in reality they're really very nice, it's just this area I'm having trouble in.

[Firmus]

It sounds like he's around your place a lot, whether your friends know it or not. Yes it's childish of them to interfere or whatnot. They need to just say their piece but then accept what you decide. But at the same time you are also their roommate, and if he disturbs them by being there they should be allowed to disagree with that. I'm assuming you wouldn't want them bringing someone you can't stand into your house either.

Also, you didn't really state their reasoning for hating him. Maybe there's something they haven't told you because they don't want to hurt your feelings? For example maybe he made a pass at them? Just a thought. Also, while friends typically will say "tell me when I'm being an ass, or when I'm doing the wrong relationship thing" but it never really works out that way. I've never known a friend that when you tell them "hey he/she isn't good for you" that the person wises up to it. It's always months later when they tell me back "I should have listened to you". I'm sure everyone has had a similar experience to this, from both sides of the equation.

Well, regardless of all that, it seems the obvious and easy thing to do is to NOT be at your house. There's a whole world of things to do outside, and I'm assuming as long as he's not a hobo he has his own place too? Just start hanging out there instead.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sej, - there's so mcuh wrong here - bear with me.

1. Stop dating just the one guy. If he makes trouble over this, drop him. You have simply got to understand this is just PRACTICE - stop expecting to have "relationships" and don't expect anything to go anywhere. Relax, take notes, learn and then move on.
.
2. Stop thinking women are jealous. Frankly, you're guy is just a typical 'puppy' - "young, dumb, and full of cum" - as the expression goes; there are millions just like him and most are indistinguishable from eachother. You're probably a huge pain in the neck when you go off on these angst-driven "does he love me, does he not" rants of yours - and they're tired of having to deal.

Now for the hard-core stuff. This drama-filled episode you like to call your lovelife is NOT LOVE. This is nothing more than INFATUATION. You've abandoned all reason and just let the freedom to screw-up royally go to your head. "First time off the leash and the girl brings home something the cat wouldn't drag in." Face the truth - your guy isn't a prize.

These roommates have your back, they are watching out for you. Do I have to tell you the stats of who hurts whom in this world? Instead of fighting against them, institute a "no lovers in the house" rule and see the guys outside as Firmus suggests. Make your place the safe haven.

[mikkiji]

Oh, EEK, you are SO cynical saying the world is full of "millions just like him and most are indistinguishable from each other." Okay, the "young, dumb, and full of cum" quip is very droll and pretty much accurate, and I'd never heard that one before, but, jeeze, some young men ARE real men, not boys out to play--I recall myself at 21! I wanted to fall in love, marry and settle down already. My wife-to-be also had a bunch of girlfriend/roommates, and they all started out liking me so much they invited me (over my GF's judgement) to move in and become the 5th roommate. They began to call me "The House Dick" (haha), and I fit in well, UNTIL they GOT JEALOUS (yes, they DO that!) of all the exclusive time I was spending with my GF, and how much she enjoyed being pampered by me. It got worse and worse and after 6 months of that, we moved out into our own place together, were married 6 months after that, and enjoyed 34 happy years together. So, I guess from my point of view, I'm on the side of the guy and suspicious of the roommates' motivations. How do YOU, EEK, KNOW for certain, that the "drama-filled episode you like to call your lovelife is NOT LOVE. This is nothing more than INFATUATION?" Maybe this could develop into a life-long devotion, but with roommates like that, she'll never get a fair chance to find out. Sometimes, for their own purposes, your friends WILL try to derail your relationships. I'm just saying that's possible, it's common, it does happen, and so be wary of that. Also, EEK MAY be 100% correct, to give you your due. Just sayin'...
Michael

[EvilEvilKitten]

Because, as I have said elsewhere, LOVE has no doubts, no uncertainties - to the point where questions do not need to be asked - you are confident in your love and have no need for 'dramatics'. Remember, love comes in on little cat feet and curls up in your heart?

This lady here - is full of doubts, full of angst, she's known this man for $ MONTHS!!!! "They began to call me "The House Dick" (haha), and I fit in well, UNTIL they GOT JEALOUS (yes, they DO that!) of all the exclusive time I was spending with my GF, and how much she enjoyed being pampered by me." That is YOUR interpretation - did you ask? Did you think their position through? Or did you two just assume they were jealous that she had a bf who pampered her? Or did they just want her to spend more time with them because they missed her? Having a bf around ALL of the time is a huge pain. They have to watch their manners etc. "OMG, he's here AGAIN!"

Reverse the positions. How would you feel if you and your male roommates were constantly having to deal with his gf? She's always there. Now, are you and the guys JEALOUS? maybe but that's such a perjorative word. They're probably just tired of the situation esp if he's coming around drunk, she's doing this "He loves me does he love me OMG I hope he loves me I hate him I never want to see him again" or didn't you read that part?

Men like to think women get jealous. But most of the time, the women are just tired of the whole damn mess. Which is why "no lovers" rules are commonplace. BTW my friends never interfered in any of my relationships - why? What would be the point? But the #1 reason why women get tired of this crap is "oh we're friends forever - or until I find a guy and then I'll throw you out like last week's garbage". Being devalued like that does tend to make a woman see red.

Next thing - do not assume that guys are like you - all ready to become hubby at age 21 - they aren't. How many men have you dated?

Of course I'm cynical!! I'm feline!

[poliester]

Thanks for info, this is cool!)