How do you trust someone who has lied to you?

[jill.whitewine]

I've been dating this man for about a month now. We fell in love quickly. I love him with all my heart. He is perfect in every way but one. He has a habit of lying.

He promised himself to me and me only. He promised that he would not look for anyone else. I was all he wanted. He didn't need anyone but me.

Then he went out and answered a bunch of personal ads, looking for sex and bj's from random women... And I found out about it.

He said he never intended on meeting any of the women that he emailed.
He had all kind of reasons why he did it. He said he never thought about me or how it would make me feel if i found out. He never thought i'd find out...

I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I can forgive him. I don't know how I can trust him again.

I love him... but is love enough?

Does anyone have any advice? I don't know what to do.
I love him... but I don't want to play the fool.
I don't know if i can ever trust him again.

[Firmus]

It's only been a month. To me that's infatuation, not love. I say dump and move on. Regardless of love or whatnot, that's a big promise to break, and you don't have the history to warrant working through and all that effort and heartache.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by jill.whitewine

I've been dating this man for about a month now. We fell in love quickly. I love him with all my heart.**

Life has many phases, so too do the teenage years, and, when people fall in love. When we meet people we either like them, not so much, or--not. When a person decides to date the accepted approach is to pick someone we have an initial liking for and interest in. Out of this comes the first date. How successful this is depends of several factors including each person's honesty, decision to be forthcoming with information about self, and, a self serving concern for not doing anything to jeopardize the burgeoning relationship.

Dating is all about learning about others and the process is also designed to fail--except for that one in a million person. The more we learn about others the better able we will be to recognize Mr. Right when he comes along. If you want to find that one in a million fella, you have to date a million men.

Here are some quotes from a reply made a couple of days ago to another thread:

Take this time and the next several months to learn about each other. Have you read any of my writings regarding dating and what it should be about? You can read all about this in articles in the Index. Here is the short version:

The two of you should be learning about each others--
* character
* morals
* values
* social skills
* manners
* mannerisms
* likes
* dislikes
* hobbies
* religion
* behaviors
* food preferences and meal planning
* children
* bank and savings accounts
- debts
* etc., et cetera, etc.

You two are still in the "honeymoon" stage; wait a few more months (if there proves to be some redeeming value) until the relationship matures and you are not going overboard to please.

He is perfect in every way but one. He has a habit of lying.


** Who fell in love quickly?? Certainly not him because you seem to be far more emotionally invested than he as evidenced by his behavior. I can also tell you that one month is not long enough to predict with absolute certainty that he is perfect in every way....".

Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating should be open ended. You can have the closeness and the security without the need for exclusiveness that a closed relationship has simply thru each others behavior and attitude. Certainly this fella is not interested in you to the degree you believe you are with him. He is doing what a lot of men do, that being to string along a woman while continuing to prowl in hope of finding someone better. Well, why not have this arrangement up front, not that either of you will follow thru on it--only that you could.

I recommend reading the articles listed in
the Index found at the top of the main screen under the subheading: SUGGESTIONS FOR DATING

He promised himself to me and me only. He promised that he would not look for anyone else. I was all he wanted. He didn't need anyone but me.

It is naive and immature to believe anybody can conclude as much in a matter of a few weeks.

Then he went out and answered a bunch of personal ads, looking for sex and bj's from random women... And I found out about it.

He said he never intended on meeting any of the women that he emailed.
He had all kind of reasons why he did it. He said he never thought about me or how it would make me feel if i found out. He never thought i'd find out...

As strange as it might seem to you and others reading over your shoulder, he may actually be correct. Is he? Or is he lying thru his teeth? Only you can make this determination from talking to him, and, from watching his behavior form now on if you decide to continue for the time being.

There is also an article in the Index that discusses the matter of trust.

I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I can forgive him. I don't know how I can trust him again.

Watch him and see how he relates to you after your chat if you decide to give the lad a second chance.

I love him... but is love enough?

Does anyone have any advice? I don't know what to do.
I love him... but I don't want to play the fool.

Please read this article:

How long do I wait to tell someone I LOVE YOU?

Please dial your emotions back. The emotion you are experiencing this early
is infatuation. Love comes along much later and certainly it is a two-way street with no untoward actions like he has been doing, for fun and curiosity or something else. Please take the time to smell the roses along the way and use the next few months to learn about each other before you make any commitment of your emotions. To jump into "love" so soon after meeting a person shows a needy clingy personality.

-doc

[EvilEvilKitten]

You DON'T.

One lie, and this was a HUGE lie, is all he gets. You walk away and forget he ever existed. Have and show some self-respect and drop him.

[Aphrodite_66]

I have to agree with EEK here,sorry but this guy is just not worth wasting your energy on.

I met a guy like that too,on a dating site,and I fell in love very quickly too.It was a choice of him or another guy I had also met on the same dating site.A couple of months later I found out the truth about my boyfriend.He had lied to me about everything except his first name ,that he was Greek and where he worked.I caught him out when I called him one night after he had stood me up for a date.I got his message bank and he had a different surname than the one he had given me.I worked out why he seemed so familiar.He was married and to top it all off I knew his wife.I didn't twig earlier because I had never met him and had only seen him very fleetingly a few times at the church where I knew his wife.

He told me that-
* he was 42-he was 50
*he wasn't married and had no children-yes and yes
*he lived with some friends-he lived with his family
He had never had an affair before and felt that I wouldn't be with him if he told me the truth.He was right,I would not have started anything with him if I knew that he wanted some adventure outside of his marriage bed.I got back in touch with the second guy I had met on the dating site, and we are now happily in a relationship.

The bottom line is that guys/girls who lie aren't worth investing your time in.If it happens once it will happen over and over again.

[areillano]

i am in a two year relationship and he has created lots of lie already.but i know we can still make our relationship great.is it still worth fighting for?he become so sweet lately when i caught him he is about to meet someone.!

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[EvilEvilKitten]

#%&$^*$*$&

will you kindly show some backbone and NOT be some sweetly mawkish doormat "I know we can make it work" - PIFFLE! what you are really saying is "he can get away with doing anything" and you'll kust roll over and play dead because he'll be so sweet afterwrds to he can have his girl on the side and you too. Two for the price of patting you on the head.

so why should he listen to anything you say?

You might as well give up giving him heck for screwing around on you since obviously you don't really care.

[hot-texan]

you've got two options here
1. Drop everything and run for the hills
or
2. Stand up, and tell him to get it right or lose you


or course all of this is moot if he's really well hung - lol

[EvilEvilKitten]

Well-hung it NOT enough. Remember: she can always buy bigger.

[hot-texan]

it was a joke

...... (thus the "lol")