Unsure where this is going........

[Aphrodite_66]

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 5 months.We met on a dating site and chatted for a couple of months before meeting and falling head over heels in love.

The problem is that I don't know where our relationship is heading,and I am scared that he is becoming bored with me.We have both been involved in abusive long term relationships.His ex was controlling and manipulative,and I am afraid to speak up when I am upset or uncertain for fear he will think that I am the same as her.He respects me and gives me plenty of space,but I am just not sure where I stand with him.I have tried talking to him and explaining my fears and concerns and he has assured me that he loves me and wants us to be together for a long time to come.We have even talked about moving interstate together or getting a boat and travelling together.

My ex was the complete opposite to him,I felt trapped and suffocated.He used to follow me everywhere even to the toilet and watched me shower,and wanted to know my every move.My current boyfriend trusts me and isn't in my face all of the time like my husband was.I am going to become divorced in two weeks time and don't know what's going to happen in my relationship with my new man.I may have to move house soon and feel that it may be too early to move in with him,and I don't even know if that is what he wants.

Any advice would be appreciated on how I can become more confident and less needy,as I don't want to drive my new man out of my life.I love him very much and feel like he is my soulmate and the man I want to be with for a very long time.

[lnt1103]

I think your sense that it's too early to move in together, is wise.

Let me ask....are you afraid to speak up because you don't want to be like his ex, or are you afraid to speak up because you're still not 100% sure HE'S not like YOURS?

Keep in mind that all you've ever known is suffocation. Thus, that feels "normal". Especially if your divorce isn't even final yet. So, even though your ex is a lout, your treatment by him is what you can't help but use as your yardstick right now.

Be courageous enough to be honest with him....and yourself. Be willing to communicate openly and honestly, but ask yourself whether a given fear you have is because of evidence New Man has given you, or whether it's because of what you're used to from AHole.

[Aphrodite_66]

I know that he isn't like my ex,as he has shown me nothing but respect and care in the time that I have known him.Int1103
you are right in that I am not used to this and I feel like a fish floundering out of water.I don't want to be like his ex and control and dictate his every move.I love him and even though we haven't known each other all that long,it seems like forever(in a good way).The funny thing is that we think that we have met before while we were still with our exes.I know his ex partners sister and we may have met at her house and I may have helped babysit his children.I feel that fate brought us together,that our relationship was meant to be and I don't want to stuff it up

[RedRoses]

Hi Aphrodite! This is perhaps going to sound strange, but: congratulations on your divorce! We all know how this has been a great step for you to take. And divorcing from a man who has mistreated you so terribly, well I'd say: where is my bottle of champagne?

Considering your new relationship. I'm very happy you've found someone that you connect with so well! And I think lnt is right; you both have your past. And you may both have learned responses that may be hard to unlearn. You say you don't dare to speak up. I'd think that speaks of your fear of doing something wrong. Hasn't that been the foundation of your previous relationship? By your stories, I could imagine so.

Fears in both of you may still live, even though the source of it is gone. And perhaps even; you both still are a bit uneasy with a sense of freedom you didn't have before in a relationship. That's what I taste from your story.

Allow yourself some time to get through this divorce to find closure. As long as you and your new light keep communicating and don't lose your heads adjusting to this relationship in which normality is redefined to a far better definition, I think you'll have a great aim.

[Aphrodite_66]

Thank you RR *hugs*<3 you have given me food for thought as usual.An old head on young shoulders,sometimes I feel that you know me far better than I know myself.And I will be indulging in a bottle of bubbly when my divorce comes through.It may not be Moet or equivalent,but I will enjoy it none the less.Please keep in touch little sis,I miss our chats.

[EvilEvilKitten]

And now for the Bad News - by which I mean ...me!

Unless you can conquer your fears, you will drive this man away from you because 'clinging' looks and feels a lot like 'controlling' to most men and this man here will be HYPER-sensitive to it. Your clinging will scare him.

5 months is FAR too damn early to be calling it love. Yes, yes, I understand, but leaping too soon gets people into trouble - and you have been there before yourself. Recognise that this "love" is just an emotional expression of your fears. You "love" because you cling because you fear and you're, as Int said, a bit phobic about NOT being controlled any more - kindof like being out in the country without a map.

The first thing to do is to RELAX.

Calm down and spend time with yourself. Get used to being alone. See? The world didn't come crashing down and the skies did not fall. Your guy may be a great guy but he is NOT the ONLY guy in the world and NOT the ONLY guy in the world -for you.

Back Off a bit. I know everyone syas 'communicate' but really, how much do you really need to say before you begin repeating yourself? "I'm scared!" is the sum total of your messages to him no matter how many ways you try to say it and THAT'S what he hears "I'm scared."

Okay, so you're scared. So is he. But two drowning people can't save each other. Give the man his space. Make very few 'demands' upon him. Be welcoming without being immediately available. And...

RELAX!

[dancingdoc2]

Relationship experts generally recommend spending time alone after a separation, breakup, or death, in order to become one with yourself, again. How long? This depends on the length of the previous relationship but certainly a few months to even a year or longer on the other extreme.

Next, please do relax, breath, smell the proverbial roses, him, yet hold your emotions in check. There is an article listed in the Index regarding when to say "I love you". Just like teenage phases, relationships also have phases and jumping into "love" at five months may be premature, maybe not.

Trust is a matter of concern as is self confidence and esteem and all have discussions listed in the Index. You can also do an advanced search on each of these to read previous discussions.

> The problem is that I don't know where our relationship is heading,and I am scared that he is becoming bored with me.

1. What indications has he demonstrated that makes you think he is becoming bored? If you can honestly say "none", then my recommendation is to proceed using "Implied Consent" (see Index) meaning that if he has not implied boredom--do not presume facts not in evidence.

2. If you do not know where the relationship is headed, then first, at this early stage, just enjoy the ride and smell the roses. Five months is a bit too soon to anticipate a specific direction.

Take this time and the next several months to learn about each other. Have you read any of my writings regarding dating and what it should be about? You can read all about this in articles in the Index. Here is the short version:

The two of you should be learning about each others--
* character
* morals
* values
* social skills
* manners
* mannerisms
* likes
* dislikes
* hobbies
* religion
* behaviors
* food preferences and meal planning
* children
* bank and savings accounts
- debts
* etc., et cetera, etc.

If you are taking all this initial feel-good stuff that both of you are trying desperately to impart on the other as love, then you have much to learn. You two are still in the "honeymoon" stage; wait a few more months until the relationship matures and you are not going overboard to please--just get on with day to day activities and each others moods.

As for knowing where your relationship is heading, tell him where you expect it to go and see if he leads it thataway over a reasonable length of time you are willing to give him. If not, well, ask him why not, followed by the need for you to make a decision.

[hot-texan]

I find it ironic to read this post as I'm a guy in the other half or a very similar situation only about 2 months behind you.
It seemed your real question among this was how to boost your confidence, which will in turn reduce your feeling of neediness.

I did see my divorce coming a long time before it was official and started doing several confidence boosters over the past 6-8 months that have really worked for me.

• The biggest thing I did was to take up exercising (walking and jogging). I felt a physical charge and felt physically better about myself overall.
• Another thing you can do is to declutter some aspect of your life, whether it's something as small as your dresser drawers of something as big as your finances. Accomplishing a goal that streamlines any aspect of your daily life will give you a good feeling.
• Along the lines of looking good, pick a shirt or outfit that is very becoming on you and when you put it on, always stop and look in the mirror and comment to yourself how good you really do look.
• Another simple way to gain little steps is to compliment other people (especially strangers) giving a brief moment of your time to tell a complete stranger that you like their shoes (or what ever compliment fits) will often make the other persons day brighter and what better thing can you do than to help brighten someone else's day. You did good, be proud of it.
• Lastly, if you really want to get inside your head, sit down with your favorite drink and write down 50 or 100 things that you are grateful for. The first dozen will be really easy, the next 20 will take a little time, but when you get to the end of the list, you will find little things that you are happy to have or be a part of and knowing that there are so many good things around you will make you appreciate what you do have.

Positive affirmations are a wonderful thing and if you tell yourself how amazing you truly are enough times, you just might start to believe it. and if you believe you're amazing, why shouldn't anyone else?

Best of luck with your new man and moving forward with life

[Aphrodite_66]

Thanks for all of the advice,I will try to digest it all.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I have always found it best to relax in proportion to one's uncertainty. If you're unsure, relax. If you're very unsure, become very relaxed. Emotional turmoil has the habit of making you NOT see solutions. Think through the reasons behind the uncertainty and then target a solution. Do it. Follow through. Then take another look - still uncertain? Repeat the process until you're comfortable.