Getting over that fear of commitment

[Ducy]

So I decided that I want to get back into the dating game. Now there is a girl I have been talking to and she is totally awesome. She supports what I do and love (gym), isn't put off (actually enjoys) my blunt honesty and she is independent. I mean she actually would rather do her own thing and see a bf once or twice a week tops. Which is awesome in my opinion.

Idk what it is, I mean we haven't done anything but I am just head over heels. Like I want to hold her, cuddle with her, and even try things that she enjoys sexually (a few of her major turn ons are turn offs to me, but I find myself wanting to try them with her)

I'm guessing this is a good thing, the only problem is that when I think about us being together, I get this eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like a fear or doubt...kinda like when you sign a 2 year contract with a phone company. Almost as if your making a big mistake.

Now this is a feeling I've had in every relationship which has led me to break up with every girlfriend I have had since my ex (for you senior members, the one who went lesbian).

Is there a way to get past this? I mean I want to date this girl, I don't know why I have such a strong attraction towards her, I haven't wanted to hold someone in, well years. I mean should I take this as a warning (like listen to your gut) or is this just a typical male fear? I do wanna get married, I do wanna have a relationship, its just that I became almost panicky when I actually gain interest in someone!

[RedRoses]

Why would it be a "warning" for you to want to hold someone? That I find particularly intriguing.

Yes; your gut-feeling is a good giver of advice. But: fear hardly ever is. Unless it's because of a tiger standing two feet away ready to attack, often fear comes with some type of irrationality. If anything; I'd say considering your past with an ex-fiancee, it's your ego trying to resist a situation that resembles previous experience. Once established patterns die hard. Your mind registers a situation that could possibly get you emotionally attached, thus it could potentially get you hurt. And by what I've been reading from you; you were struck very hard. That surely left a deep impression and scar that every fiber in your body wants to prevent from happening again.

Speaking from my humble point of view: I'd say there's nothing wrong with wanting to hold someone. I also don't have to tell you this could be a feeling that passes. The love and infatuation difference EEK usually refers to. You know that. Time will tell what it is you're feeling and what it really is you want with her. Maybe eventually marriage, but it's way too early to worry about that. You know that too. And you will only find out any of this, if you are ready to get past this fear.

How to get past it? How do people get over a fear of water? They admit it. Vocalize and talk about it. Perhaps write things down to clear their head. Ask advice. Depending on the severity, they might try to find a counselor. But ultimately; there is just this huge amount of liquid that needs to be confronted and fear conquered. They either wade in slowly or jump.

Take care now!

[Firmus]

Personally, I'd take the gut feeling with a grain of salt. All it ever says is "I'm excited" but your mind is what's interpreting it as "it's telling me I need to leave" versus "It's telling me this is gonna be fun".

Think of it this way, if you went out with a girl and your body just goes "meh", that doesn't sound like it'd be fun. But this girl, she's making you react on a subconscious level. I see that as pretty cool. Even after 13 years of marriage, and like 18 years including dating, there are times I can think of my wife and feel the hair stand up on the back of my neck, and I like that. I also remember being so nervous when we started dating that I thought I was gonna barf for like the first 6 months.

Plus, I wouldn't think of the whole marriage/relationship side. That may be part of the panicky feeling, because you're condensing a lifetime of potential experiences and life changes of having a spouse into basically a hypothesis of maybe dating this girl. Just go one day at a time.

Take care...

[g-dubz]

Man Ducy, you seem like you're going to be marrying this girl tomorrow LOL. I think you just need to take a step back and take a chill pill. I think you need to remember what a couple of the senior posters have said (you know who they are ) when it comes to dating. You two don't seem mutually exclusive since she's doing her thing which seems like a winner to me.

TBH, I've never understood the whole "fear of commitment" thing in the first place. I understand that the "exclusive" stage doesn't/shouldn't occur during the dating stage, but at the same time, how does one hold on and/or pursue anything (like having a job or friends) if you have a fear of being committed to something?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Okay so you want to get with this lady - so, if she's up for it - get with her.
It just might work this time, hun!

"Faint Heart ne'er won Fair Maid."

[Ducy]

Lol its amazing because when I look at it, I'm terrified of asking a girl out or having a relationship with her, but I'm not afraid of pushing myself through physically and mentally torturous workouts and diets.

[g-dubz]

Exactly Ducy. If you're able to commit yourself to your workouts and diets, why should a relationship be any different?

[sexgoddess1]

Id say take your time keep becoming trustworthy friends, thats wat my mom said to me a day ago because im dating a really great guy but ive been hurt so many times so I have to be cautious but go for it.. test the waters and fear is always is gunna be there just know how far you will go and how much she is willing to give.

[Ducy]

Lol its not going anywhere. She's too much into smoking pot and I'm too much into being healthy. I don't mind a once in a while thing but not an everyday thing.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Tsk!
Fear? What fear? Are you dating an axe murderess?
No?
Then stop being afraid.