20 years old and nothing?

[shy_guy]

I turned 20 in July and I have yet to have any sort of dating experience whatsoever. I am incredibly shy, it's quite annoying. I've had a few female "friends" but nothing that has progressed any further. The only girl that has seemed remotely interested in being more than just "friends" is 10 years older than me and to me that's just too much of a gap so we just remained friends.

I consider myself to be very sensitive and courteous (chivalrous?) (holding doors open, etc) but I can never (well rarely) bring myself to start a conversation with a random girl sitting next to me in class. My shyness comes out and I shut down and leave class dejectedly. What's interesting though is that if a girl starts a conversation with me, I can reciprocate and carry on a decent conversation, I just can't initiate.

This WHOLE thing changes if I'm text messaging someone, I mean literally if I'm texting a girl, all of my confidence comes back and I can keep the text chain going for hours on end proceeding from one topic to the next.

My shyness has also had an effect on my social life (or lack thereof.) It's been over a year since I've done anything with a group my own age. I pretty much go to class, go to work, go home, rinse and repeat. It's getting to the point where I feel like I am wasting my life doing the mundane day to day things and never having any fun...

I don't really know what my question is...I guess I'm just looking for general advice and somewhere to let my story out where I know no judgments will be made...

Thanks for reading.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Shyness is the kiss of death when dating.

So, as tough as it might be for you, you MUST get over this issue.

One of the easiest is to ASK QUESTIONS.

"What time is the next bus?"
"What do you think of rhododendrons?"
"How about those Celtics?"

Doesn't matter what you ask.

[Wrave]

I can relate. I agree with EEK in that shyness is not something you want when it comes to dating. I found out that just going up to a girl and starting a conversation is a good place to start. Whatever you do, do not end it with a handshake or you will end up in the friend zone EVERY time. It also helps if you have a girl friend that can be used as a connection so to speak.

[shy_guy]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Shyness is the kiss of death when dating.

So, as tough as it might be for you, you MUST get over this issue.

One of the easiest is to ASK QUESTIONS.

"What time is the next bus?"
"What do you think of rhododendrons?"
"How about those Celtics?"

Doesn't matter what you ask.

I actually tried that this week...it worked! All I had to do was ask one thing and she actually talked to (at?) me for like 20 mins. Made my day. And then we formed a study group for the class we were in so I got everyone's phone #'s in the group and I texted her that night and asked a question and holy $hit she replied and chatted for like 2 hours. It was great. Real morale booster...

[shy_guy]

Oh and if you cannot tell, I am motivated to change this. VERY motivated. I'm tired of living like this...

[lnt1103]

At your age, yes girls will talk at you forever LOL. We haven't learned when to shut up yet by that point

Good for you, you've made a great start. However, I would admonish you on one thing. Get past the "I'm great via text but I struggle in person" thing. Get great in person. Real, meaningful, successful relationships are person-to-person, not person-through-phone-to-person. If you can't communicate effectively face-to-face, no relationship you try to have will ever go very far.

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by shy_guy

I turned 20 in July and I have yet to have any sort of dating experience whatsoever. I am incredibly shy, it's quite annoying.

So, you're shy, now what? Fast forward twenty years and you are now 40.

If you can converse with a person who talks to you first, what is so different about you asking a leading question directed toward a girl of interest? That is the secret--asking a leading question is one that invites her to chat as noted above. All you have to do, next, is to listen, and whenever appropriate make a comment in order to keep the conversation flowing. What guys do not always understand is that many women are inherently chatty creatures.

I consider myself to be very sensitive and courteous (chivalrous?) (holding doors open, etc) but I can never (well rarely) bring myself to start a conversation with a random girl sitting next to me in class.

Now you have no excuse as I have given you the tool you need as have those, above.

My shyness comes out and I shut down and leave class dejectedly.

When class is over, why not invite her to walk out to the hallway with you?
* Ask a simple question about her such as what classes do you have next?
* Pick something you like about her and comment favorably about that, for example, I like your outfit, particularly.... Or, I like what you said in class. Do you have any (other) thoughts about today's lesson?
* If you cannot/do not invite her to walk to the door and into the hallway, then walk up behind/beside her on her way out and ask her a question.
+ (now here is a trick) pretend that she has already begun the conversation and you are now just replying with a quick easy question. (It's a mind game that often helps shy people get off dead center.)

What's interesting though is that if a girl starts a conversation with me, I can reciprocate and carry on a decent conversation, I just can't initiate.

You can, you simply choose not to. What are you afraid of? If you were really afraid then you would not be compelled to continue a conversation she began. So, where's the logic? (See above.)

This WHOLE thing changes if I'm text messaging someone, I mean literally if I'm texting a girl, all of my confidence comes back and I can keep the text chain going for hours on end proceeding from one topic to the next.

You are not hiding with a phone. So, why hide when in person? Where is the logic?

Do not rely on texting. It is a lame way to seriously converse. Talk in person and/or use the telephone--at least in the beginning. Save texting for short quick Q&A, only once a relationship has been established.

My shyness has also had an effect on my social life (or lack thereof.) It's been over a year since I've done anything with a group my own age. I pretty much go to class, go to work, go home, rinse and repeat. It's getting to the point where I feel like I am wasting my life doing the mundane day to day things and never having any fun...

Dare to take a chance. What do you have to lose if you say "hi" how ya doin' or something else? If it works you are on your way. If it fails, you are no worse off. Try and try, again. Girls won't bite. You know this from your texting conversations and those that someone else starts. Just ask a simple question that requires her to volunteer information and stand back.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so throw caution to the wind and speak up. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, shy guy - it does actually work.
WOMEN DO NOT BITE, ya know, so you have little risk.

You do, of course, realise that if you do ask a question, you also have to LISTEN to her answer.

The next step is to ask your question, listen to her responce, and then FOLLOW UP and actually have a decent conversation.

[shy_guy]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Yes, shy guy - it does actually work.
WOMEN DO NOT BITE, ya know, so you have little risk.

You do, of course, realise that if you do ask a question, you also have to LISTEN to her answer.

The next step is to ask your question, listen to her responce, and then FOLLOW UP and actually have a decent conversation.

The risk is...I look like a creeper. You ever been the victim of one of those people that just come up and start talking to you? Creepy as hell. They start off with something like this:

"how's your day going"
"umm...fine."
"cool"
...
...
..
.

/end.

I DO NOT want to come off like one of those people...you know what I mean?

[EvilEvilKitten]

Silly, you ask something pertinent.