"Dating" and the Internet

[dancingdoc2]

* A girl states: I am 16, 18, 20, 22 and he is 21, 24, 26, 30, or some other expansive age difference.

* A girl states: "but I love him...." **
+ We have so much in common
+ We spend hours on the telephone/texting
+ We have never met in person and it's been nearly two years
+ He wants to marry me
+ I've sent him nude pictures, do you think that's OK
+ He tells me what we'll do sexually when we first meet up
+ He wants me to travel to where he lives as soon as possible

Originally Posted by EEK

You're 24 years old and have wasted a lot of time you should have spent learning. Please do not waste any more time searching for the entirely mythical "One". For how to meet men - there's a thread here on just that topic.

How to Meet Men

Our point being, that with such vast age differences, you are not only on different "pages" in life, you are in different "chapters" when it comes to life lessons and experiences. It requires time for the younger individual to acquire all this in order to become more or less on an equal footing with the older person.

** It is not enough that you are in love (lust?) with a total stranger. "Love" does not make everything A-OK. The problem with these vast age differences is that the older men have experienced more of life, have learned some important lessons that you have yet to grasp, learned to be on their own, have become an autonomous adults (meaning he has lived on his own, can take care of day to day obligations, plan ahead, and as important, has acquired a more realistic perspective of life than does the younger person.)

The teenage years are a decade long. The transformation from child to adult does not end with the end of puberty! The next stages of development are mental, emotional, and, psychological. As a major part of this is the fact that a person's brain is not fully developed until sometime during the 21st year! As part of a person's maturation is the experiential aspect: you should not jump straight from your bed to his without learning how to live on your own. This means, learning how to cook, clean, budget, save, and manage these tasks as well as others. This also means acquiring a perspective of yourself and your place in the world that comes from living alone (or with roommates), working, getting an education beyond high school, perhaps traveling (even if only weekend getaways), and, interacting with other people. In short, becoming both more responsible for yourself and potentially others, and, becoming more "worldly" as an individual.

When it comes to the latter, the best way is thru dating lots of different people. Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. Dating should be all about having fun, learning about other people and their ideas, goals, quirks, objectives, likes, dislikes, morals, values, interests, potential compatibility, etc., in order to help determine when Mr./Ms. Right comes along.

It is important to know and understand that there is more to being compatible with one another than just being in love--or worse, in love with the idea of being in love--as in some romance novel. During the days prior to computers, children began interacting with others by being "pen pals" with people in distant places. For me, this began in the 6th grade when I chose to correspond with a girl in Sydney, Australia. While in high school I corresponded with several boys around the country by audio tape. With the advent of computers, we can correspond electronically in different formats. For the past twenty years I've been "keyboard pals" with a man 600 miles away. (If you do the math, this began before the W)orld W)ide W)eb, when computers could be tied together via electronic "bulletin boards".)

Do I know him? Yes, yet only from what he tells me and thru our discussions of this, that, and, the other. Are we compatible? Only on this elementary level. During this time we have met in person four times when he and/or his family have passed thru Sacramento. Could we cohabit as roommates if single? Maybe yes, maybe no; ya just gotta spend a lot of time together, first and foremost, and keep your head out of the clouds, so to speak.

Bottom Line: If you wish to establish a friendship via the internet, keep it real. This means attempting to establish and nurturing albeit a casual friendship.

If you wish to establish a deeper more meaningful relationship then you should very much do so in person with someone within an hour's drive from you; otherwise what's the point? You have to be able to see and interact with each other on a regular basis in order to become more than total strangers. Who a person purports to be in writing or via a webcam can be vastly different than what comes across face-to-face and up close and personal, with ongoing touchy-feely get togethers. With the former, people tend to put up a false front, not to let their hair down; with the latter, letting one's hair down and being vulnerable and open is important when determining likes, dislikes, and, compatibility--then, just maybe, loving and later being in love.

SUGGESTED AGE SPANS FOR DATING
A Guideline Only

Men Women
16 16
17 17
18 17
19 18
20 18
21 19
22 20
24 21

Initial compatibility with regard to life experiences

26 23
28 25
30 25
35 30
40 30
45 35
50 40
60 50
70 55

Reading about love in some romance novel is great entertainment and a diversion, but when it comes to real life, girls, ya just gotta get real.

Successful relationships form when two people, each with a past,
join forces in order to enjoy a future greater than the sum of its two parts.

Thought for the day: In order to become lucky in love, you have to prepare. The definition of "luck" is when opportunity meets preparedness. Please do not rely on things just falling into place on their own, hoping all will work out in the end. Relationships require work and cooperation, and are best accomplished hand-in-hand; you cannot do this very well with a long distance relationship in which the two of you have yet to meet and having spent lots of time together. This is difficult as it is for well established couples separated by war, employment, or other circumstances.

Part One of this essay:

DATING--Rules: how to and how not to

Plus:

How to Meet Men

FINDING A PERSON TO DATE: Where are the men? Where are the women?

[EvilEvilKitten]

An excellent post, Doc!

If I may add:

1. Sex occurs at the discretion of the lady and is not a 'given' when dating.
2. What he/she does in his/her own time is his/her business. You do not "own" your date(s) and have no rights beyond those he/she has granted you. Those rights may be rescinded at any time at his/her discretion.
3. Show respect for yourself and your partner by practicing safe sex should sex be in the offing.

[lnt1103]

Thank you for the insightful reminder about internet dating, DD2. As you may remember from posts of mine, I can speak from experience.

My now-husband and I didn't make it past your first two plus signs on the list (commonality and phone bills), before meeting face to face at 5 months, little more than friends. The farther down your list an internet "relationship" gets, the more concerned I am about its viability for a real future, and in some instances I get truly concerned for people's safety. Your cautions about keeping one's head out of the clouds, and real life interactions are dead on. I would add: watch out for red flags and run for the hills when you see them!

Your point about distance is well taken, although I do find that one a little more flexible at the start, dependent upon the other relationship variables at work. T and I were about twice your recommendation when we first began talking, but a year after our first face to face, I moved to his city as his GF, not his fiancee. This after 4 months job searching in his city, and finding one before the move. Up to that point we had had several weekend-long dates, and one solid week together. So yes, it absolutely must become day in and day out in-person interaction before a lifelong commitment should be entered into. If a geographical move is necessary, it must be for "explore the next level" purposes, not immediate marriage purposes.

I will also state again that I had a 35-state criminal background report about him in my possession before I spoke to him on the phone the second time. (A few joked with me at the time that he could have committed his murders in one of the other 15 states, but I digress......) This report took all of $65 US, 15 minutes on free internet reverse directory searches, and two days research time on the part of the fee-for-service entity I used.

Also, he sat down to dinner with my parents, with whom I lived at the time, on two different occasions---at HIS insistence---before I traveled to his city for the first time. My intended point here being, both parties should be equally cognizant of the idiosyncrasies of this thing. If one person seems to be moving much faster.....or especially faster but slower, if you follow me....it does not bode well.

If I had to sum it up in ten words or less, be smart about it, and be alert to possible pitfalls.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Decoding Internet Profiles

The language used tells the reader the vocabulary, education level as well as gender and age of the writer. Overall tone of the profile tells you about the writer's attitudes toward, sex, dating, gender and gender roles, relationships and marriage as well as giving an idea of the writer's sense of humor.

as an example:

1. "lithe, blithe and devastatingly delicious"
2. "flexible, happy and attractive"

The sentences mean the same thing but are entirely dfferent in almost every other respect.

The actual text should tell you who the writer is and for whom the writer is looking and what sort of relationsip the writer desires. If it doesn't - move on.

If it seems too good to be true - it is NOT true.

Everyone lies on their profile - expect it. Also expect serious issues to either be carefully glossed over or not mentioned at all. Everyone is fat, ill and ugly inside and out until proven otherwise.

Compare the stats with the written text. A 20-something self-described partygirl is one thing and a 50-something self-described partygirl is another. Working at a low level or entry-level job is okay for a 20 yr old but NOT ok for a 40 yr old.

And 10 to 1 the picture is of someone else.

[Bradlauren]

Is it possible to meet girl with the help of internet if yes please suggest me how!



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[dancingdoc2]

Your question is exactly why search engines were designed and implemented. Please do a search using the term "dating services online" and see what results.

Your results are likely to be different from mine because you literally live half-way around the world.

(By the way, you should remove your advertising link because unauthorized advertising is not permitted.)

-doc

[transade]

thanks you for great post!))

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[Brandye]

Some great ideas, doc, but let us face the demographic reality. As we reach to peak of the population pyramid, women outnumber men by a large factor. The average life expectancy of women exceeds men by a few years throughout the industrial world. The tradition of the older man and younger woman has grown over the ages during which death in childbirth was quite common. Back 200 years, male life expectancy exceeded female and it was common for men to have had, serially, a few wives.

The hangover from the Victorian era is that the man should be worldly and experienced and the woman fresh, innocent and willing to experience the world vicariously. The age of first marriage for both genders has increased rather significantly over the last half century; the age of first sexual experienced has decreased slightly over this same period. Both genders are likely to come into marriage, if they choose (see data on Finland) worldly and sexually experienced. Across the Nordic countries, barely half of all parents are ever married. Much of the rest of the civilized world is moving in this direction.

And, my point, is that the reversal of age from your chart is a predictable outcome: a woman is better off marrying a man a few years younger than she. In their teens, women mature earlier; by the late twenties, this maturity gap is closed and that is when serious relationships are now developing. Perhaps the age columns should be reversed for the genders beyond about 25.

[SPQR]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Decoding Internet Profiles

The language used tells the reader the vocabulary, education level as well as gender and age of the writer. Overall tone of the profile tells you about the writer's attitudes toward, sex, dating, gender and gender roles, relationships and marriage as well as giving an idea of the writer's sense of humor.

as an example:

1. "lithe, blithe and devastatingly delicious"
2. "flexible, happy and attractive"

The sentences mean the same thing but are entirely dfferent in almost every other respect.

The actual text should tell you who the writer is and for whom the writer is looking and what sort of relationsip the writer desires. If it doesn't - move on.

If it seems too good to be true - it is NOT true.

Everyone lies on their profile - expect it. Also expect serious issues to either be carefully glossed over or not mentioned at all. Everyone is fat, ill and ugly inside and out until proven otherwise.

hmhm , I dare to disagree with this but I not deny it as a potential rule...

“If it seems too good to be true - it is NOT true”

...interesting enough I’ve got this comment, when I laid down my inner wishes and dreams.
And I meant every word with whole my heart.
The answer was like: “nah your not real, your making it up, goodbye”...
Thus when I was honest and open, I was rejected...

And language quality ... English is not my first language, and well... You get the idea...

Otherwise your quite right...

[Feral]

** It is not enough that you are in love (lust?) with a total stranger. "Love" does not make everything A-OK. The problem with these vast age differences is that the older men have experienced more of life, have learned some important lessons that you have yet to grasp, learned to be on their own, have become an autonomous adults (meaning he has lived on his own, can take care of day to day obligations, plan ahead, and as important, has acquired a more realistic perspective of life than does the younger person.)

Disagree with this, most of the times it is probably true but there's no reason to rule out the odd occassion where you get an older person who is more immature than their actual age or the younger person who is abnormally more advanced and has had to grow up a lot faster due to personal situation.
The Example I give you is my relationship, I am 22 he is 51. He is regularly left speachless by how much I know and can deal with in life already such as legal rights, paying bills, and budgeting. And there are times when he can help me with things I am unsure about sure, but He has regularly said "I didn't know that" in regards to advice and information I have come out with also.

The history: We met online and started out as friends, we were still friends after meeeting IRL together with other gaming buddies at a game convention. It wasn't untill he moved this way to be closer as friends that we started seeing eachother every day. When my relationship to a man just 1 year older than me failed my good friend was there for me and after a while I decided he was the right one for me and we took it the step further.

The Summary: Yes use the above quoted as a general rule, but don't let it put you off entirely, anything is possible under the right cuircumstances.

My advice: Make sure that you meet them with other people first (just incase they turn out not to be who they said they were) and under the premise of just being friends. If all goes well and they are as they say they are and you click personality and experience wise then age shouldn't matter. But make sure it is love and not just lust, before taking it a step further, no reason to enter into something unless you are a 100% sure.

If it goes wrong: Hey plenty of relationships don't work even close age ones, so if it does go horribly wrong there is no reason to think it will happen again for the same reasons. Enjoy the good times you had regardless, and keep hunting.