Dating again...very confused!

[Jenswaiting]

Let me preface this by stating that I've been out of the dating scene for several years and only reentered within the last 5 months...all this due to being widowed.

Recently I started dating a man more than 10 years younger than me. We went on two dates that went very well. We were fairly physical on the second date, though we didn't have sex. Not only did I think (or feel for that matter) that we connected, but we also had amazing sexual chemistry. Prior to the second date he was texting me everyday, after the second date, only every 4 days. When I respond to his texts he doesn't respond to mine (which always includes a question, like how was your day). I'm not sure what to do at this point. I fancy this guy, it seemed like there was room for more than just sexual chemistry, but I'm confused at his texting game.

So I have two questions...

Have I stumbled upon a player who gets off on my text responses? <OR>

Could there be something I'm missing?

Again..been along time since I've dated and I really haven't dated since mobys have become a popular form of communication. (lol I'm not as old as I sound!) Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[tall]

Why do you think you didn't have sex on the second date despite getting physical and having an "amazing sexual chemistry"?

I'm wondering if it was because he wasn't confident enough to take the lead with an older woman or if you were holding out for the third date or some sort of commitment.

When you say about "getting off on text messages", is it fair to assume that you are "sexting" each other?

[Ducy]

It appears he got what you wanted. He was horny. He fooled around. He got his and is good to go. Perhaps he liked the idea of hooking up with a cougar. You should be playing the field. Don't be limiting yourself. There's over a billion people in this world. You should be dating. If he isn't teting you, it shouldn't matter because your talking to several others. He doesn't show enough interest, who cares? You have several other men who fancy you

[Brandye]

or, perhaps he is just a rude, self-centered young man who thinks he is in control.

[EvilEvilKitten]

No, this fellow here is not a player - he's just a guy.
BUT
You're acting as if this was high school and you were 13 years old.
STOP IT!

Here's what you do:
Date more than one man at a time - as many as you can talk into it but don't be in a hurry to 'connect'.
If two texts go unanswered, presume he's dead and drop him from your list. Always be willing to at least consider adding this or that gentleman to your list but reject outright those men who are not suitable. You do not need to justify your decisions - just say 'no chemistry' and move on.
Be confident and hint at fun. Relax and have fun with men by being amused by them. Do not cling. Do not chase men. Never 'lead with your heart' or 'your chin'.
You don't have to 'love' him to enjoy sex with him.
One hot date does not mean you have a relationship and it doesn't have to.

Now that you're a woman of some 'standing' you have to learn to date like a grown-up. That is to say - widely, calmly, confidently in a relaxed and fun atmosphere. There's no rush. You've had men before and you will have men afterwards - so chill!

[dancingdoc2]

Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you will enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the Index found at the top of the main screen. It contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. In addition, if you click on the site's Home Page, you will find even more information.

I recommend that you begin by reading the articles about dating under the heading SUGGESTIONS FOR DATING

The articles will reinforce what EEK stated, above. Dating does not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us. There are three good reasons for dating; first, learning social skills, having someone to accompany you while having fun at social events, and, learning more about people, their character, likes, dislikes, quirks, morals, values, goals, etc., in order to learn what you want in a prospective mate, and to better recognize when Mr. Right does come along. (How's that for a run-on sentence?)

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

-doc

[pcp71]

there are alot of web sites out there now that tell men what and how to get a woman via texts and emails and most of them urge the man to play these games to keep the woman chasing them. The problem is that most women will only chase so far before wanting the guy to man up and take some sort of initiative. The laid back, I don't care attitude is what is being preached and while some women are drawn to this challenge if it's not for you, then he's out of luck.

He'll hold out just long enough until you send his that text that says, "where are you, I'm moving on?" then all of a sudden he'll pop back up and will have some reason he's been busy and unable to return the message (not unwilling)

Quit feeding him leading questions and he'll wonder what happened to you. The real show will be to see if he's willing to let down his guard a little and say, sorry, can we try and reconnect.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I know the websites you're referring to pcp, and it is BS.

Just as I do not condone little girl games, I do not condone little boy games.
The entire idea of power playing within dating is for cowards.

I usually counsel people to be themselves but unfortunately most women have been taught to cling, to ask what's wrong, and to think that problems with dating/relationships are their fault so I can't tell women to just be yourself because too often they just become patsies for players and predators.

Hence my telling women to be demanding in a quiet and assertive way but if that doesn't work - to dump him if he puts a foot wrong or uses the wrong fork.

For the fact remains - if the man wants you - he will BE THERE.

[Jenswaiting]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who responded with clear advice. I appreciate your thoughts.

I have to admit I don't like the terminology cougar or puma - I'm still getting my head around dating at this age (39) let alone realise that I'm labelled due to it.

EEK thanks for the kick in the ass...I needed that. Despite the fact that it has been over 10 years since I've dated last I need to be having fun with it and not taking it seriously. I appreciate your point about chasing/clinginess and refuse to submit to that behaviour.

Doc thanks for the warm welcome and I will be looking at the dating advice articles.

PCP & EEK, regarding the game playing...this is exactly what I felt he was doing and therefore felt at a loss and posted here. The feedback has helped me a lot and has driven the point home that I won't be messing around with gameplayers. Hence my decision to not reply to any of his further texts.

Reentering the dating scene now (ie with my history and age) has been more difficult and frustrating than I expected. I just want to have fun, but I'm reticent to be using dating sites due to my experiences (loads now!) in the last 5 months. That being said I will be having a good search here in the forum and articles to meet good men.

Thank you to all!

[EvilEvilKitten]

I've actually written a post How to Meet Men that you might find helpful.