Lots of Love: No Sex

[joeboxeruncut]

I met the love of my life about 2 years ago. We instantly connected and became a fun, active couple within a couple months. We have similar personalities and values so it was amazing to finally find "the person". Within the first year of our relationship our sex was amazing...felt good not only physically, but emotionally as well. She would often ask and in some cases beg for sex - I knew she was enjoying it. About a year into our relationship, the sex started to become less and less. I found myself questioning what I did to turn her off. I internalized it for a while, until I mustered the mental ability to ask her why things changed. She quickly and simply stated that she "didn't need it as much as me", which I found rather strange and new given our great sex in year one. She later and separately confided in me that this happened to her in a previous relationship, and at that time she mentioned that she had suffered from depression. It quickly came to me that she was beginning to have a relapse of her depression, and therefore wasn't interested in anything, let a lone sex with me. After much talk and convincing, I talked her into seeking professional help and she has now started psychotropic medication to hopefully get her on track. I'm so glad for her that she is finally taking care of herself.

The lack of sex however is the moose in the room and I've been struggling with it for over a year now. As I mentioned I went through various stages of internalization, thinking our lack of sex was because of me, either directly or indirectly. I love her so much but our lack of intimacy is so significant. I hope she can get better soon. I don't want this to end our relationship. Talk about life decisions! Any advice or suggestions?

[lnt1103]

First of all, kudos to you for hanging in there, recognizing she needed help, and convincing her to get it. That's not an easy thing to do, even for someone you love so much. Sometimes, ESPECIALLY for someone you love so much.

Now that you've figured out why her drive went down, you have GOT to let go of the internalization. You KNOW it's incorrect. How recently did she start therapy and this new course of medication? If it's fairly new, give it time. These things don't work overnight.

We can safely assume that one aspect of the lower drive is that she doesn't initiate as much anymore. Does she turn you down when you initiate? I know, it almost hurts to be the only one ever initiating. But especially if the therapy is still in its early stages, you may need to bear with her a little longer in terms of the asking/begging coming back. Perhaps it can help your patience to remind yourself that she's on the right track now.

Also, don't let things become "the moose in the room". Communication is KEY. Be gentle and tactful to be sure, especially right now, but don't squash things for long periods of time.

One other word: I read in your post that sex was an emotional experience, and that's wonderful. When you say later in the post that you miss the intimacy, it almost feels more of an emotional craving than a physical, unless I'm reading between the wrong lines. And while I know the physicality of it is important, "intimacy" is not only found in sex. If you're craving the emotion of it, there are other ways you can find. Start Date Night. Take a picnic to the beach, wrap up in a blanket and watch the sun set. Go to a movie (maybe the very back row? ), put up the arm of the seat and cuddle, like you did when you were first dating. Find some ways to reconnect.

[Aphrodite_66]

I have to agree with Int1103,intimacy is much more than just sex.Depression is ugly,and i know it.I have suffered from it on and off for almost 18yrs now.It does take a while for the medication to start working depending on the type,and she musn't go off it without medical advice,even if she feels much better.I've done this lots of times,and found that the depression comes back tenfold.The worst of it has passed now,but occasionally when i feel that i can't cope with things around me,it comes back to bite me.I never had any support from my husband.When i wasn't in the mood for sex he forced himself on me.Show your lady that you are there for her by just letting her know you appreciate her.You can do this in all the ways already mentioned above,and by giving her a hug,a kiss,cooking her dinner,running her a relaxing bath and giving her a nice massage.These are all ways of showing intimacy and love to our partners.

[Ducy]

I know this isn't what your gonna wanna hear but many anti depressants kill sex drives. I was lucky enough to suffer the oppostie, but my initial fears led me to ask my doctor which would have no effect on my drive. She seemed to be at a loss for them.

How bad is this "depression"? Was it just that her drive went down or did she go from happy and care free to sit in her room and do nothing all day? I feel many doctors are quick to prescribe "Happy Pills". Sometimes its just a need to talk to someone. When I was put on Lexapro and later Welbutrin, I felt sad still until I went to counseling and got to talk out all my problems. Felt 100 times better than I had on 6 months of meds.


Also the lack of sex could just be that you she has lost interest. I had about 6 months of awesome sex but it started to wane until I eventually didn't want to do it unless I was already hard.

[EvilEvilKitten]

When a doctor gives you pills, no matter what they're for, there's always a bit of an experiment involved because different formulas and different dosages work for different people but before everyone sees how the medications affect the patient, there's no knowing which of what or how much is best. Even then there's an adjustment period.

Yes, a significant drop in her sex drive is worth asking the doctor about and she should. Counseling could also help esp since she's shown this pattern of behavior before.