Not sure if I am in love or not

[dave24]

What the title says sums it up.

I've been dating this new girl since October of 2010. For the most part we have had an open relationship, though neither of us dated anyone else, the open part was a bit like an easy escape if need be.

In February we decided to go committed. My problem is this, I have had feelings for her, but lately I feel like I'm just not into it like I used to be.

Last week we talked about the relationship, and she considered possibly breaking up with me, because of my emotional issues. What those issues are is that I am still hung up on my ex, who I am still in love with.

I've been to therapy for 6 months, and tried everything to move on from the ex, but I just can't. My GF knows this, and considered breaking up with me, but changed her mind.

I've tried to be committed, and even she doesn't know if we are going to make one year or not.

I do know that if we broke up I would feel crappy, and I've already decided that if we ended I am done with dating, at least for a little bit cause I am tired of all the emotional mess that comes from it.

But I also like her, I just don't know if I see a future with her. We seem to have different goals in life. I want to go to grad school, and become a doctor, she is content with just working at Wal-mart or Kmart and cleaning, and avoiding management responsibilities.

I am looking for a little advice, or just hear what people have to say, anything really.

Sorry if this post seems confusing, if anyone has questions you can ask me.

[Devilsdaughter]

Well my confused friend


I know how you feel I am only 16 and have had alot of relationships.....ok ok I know that you think at a teens relationship can only last a week or so but the longest relationship I have had was 4 years and when i ended it i was so upset after that for the next year or so I was still in love with him but I finally moved on. I realized that my life isn't worth wasting for some guy who I know will just cheat on me or hurt me again. If you are in love with your ex then ok good but don't keep a relationship gong because you know you won't be happy in it because you don't have strong feelings for that person. So I might not know you and you def don't know me I would end it but it's up to you. Take time off from a relationship for a few months or a year even it's up to you how long but clear your head and just relaxe and enjoy the single life. That's all I am going to say you do t have to listen to me cause I am only 16 but I know what I am talking about on this one. I have had to do it and it's going to be hard but I know you can do it




Hope I helped

Katy

[Ducy]

Katy were you in the same boat as the OP? I only ask because you claim to know what he's talking about, but from what the OP is saying, he's feeling torn between his love of an old flame and the conflicting feelings of a knew one.

Also at 16, with a 4 year relationship I don't know how you could have so much dating experience. I once was young and thought I knew it all but you will be amazed at what you will see and experience as your grow and mature. There is also a BIG difference between dating as a kid and dating as an adult. I've known people dating since 8th grade (now 20) and they are completely different from what they used to be. They even admit that dating as a child is different from dating now (they are together still but their dates, fights and everything are much different and on a whole other level)

Anyways back to you OP.

What was your reason for making it official? I was engaged once and the heartbreak was horrible. To this day (3 years later) I still get upset. My friends were poking fun at me because they saw her yesterday (apparantely she's gorgeous, I haven't seen her since we split) and it made my heart hurt. I have dated, there have been several gfs, several open relationships, and I have had the occasional feelings for a girl and it usually goes away after a while. I've found one girl who's captured my attention but it didn't work out (friend zone :/). This is common. In my experiences, people have to live and experience things before settling down. The best thing to do is date. If you don't feel for someone then end it. There is nothing wrong. You should be able to really give someone your full attention if your going to be serious with them.

Ill tell you one thing though. The secret to getting through heartbreak is to just grow from the experience. Ya I still love my ex. I always will, but as I've thought about it and grown more I realize there are plenty of fish in the sea.

[Ducy]

Sorry I am spacing today.

As far as the love thing. I highly doubt your in love. The crappy feeling could be due to not wanting to hurt her. Also feeling bad from a prior relationship or even having feelings for someone and knowing your losing someone again.

How old are you? And how long ago was this relationship?

[dave24]

I'm 25, but my dating experience is limited to three women.

The ex left me in August of 2010, after telling me for several weeks that she saw us going long term, and even brought up the idea of marriage someday in the future, so the dump was an obvious shock.

I met the girl I'm dating now in October.

The thing is, I still have strong feelings for the ex, and I've tried to establish contact again with her, even if only for friendship, but it failed. She found out I posted about our relationship on another website meant to help people with coping. Now she won't even speak to me on email, I thought about adding her as a friend on Facebook to see if she would accept it or not, but I have not done that yet.

THe new girl I am dating I did have strong feelings for, but as time has gone on, they kinda faded. They are still there, just not as strong as before. We talked about breaking up, but decided against it.

Thing is, she is pretty anti-social, and has said that if we break up she probably won't find anyone again. and I am afraid if we broke up I wouldn't either, because my feelings for the ex wold get in the way.

I did ask her if she saw us lasting past a year, and she didn't answer. All I know is that we both want to last at least a year, and after that, I don't know.

It was after the possible break up talk last week that I started to feel doubts about this relationship. She did say she wants to at least stay together though the summer, because there will be more activities to do maybe we can ignite the spark again.

[dlb]

If you aren't sure then you aren't in love.

[Ducy]

DLB I use to have a firm belief in that but sometimes you don't realize you are until its too late you know? I mean once you realize it you shouldn't doubt it, but I don't know if you realize it right away.

But dave how long did you date her?

You went straight into a relationship after being dumped. My ex did the same. Talking bout how she couldn't wait to tell everyone she wanted me forever (wedding) and that she couldn't wait to come home from work and not have to worry bout when shed see me because id be there already. I was kinda stunned when it ended (but it dragged on for a year as friends which hurt even more)

Also you said it right there your afraid shell never find someone and you'll never find anyone. Your afraid of hurting and being hurt your rebounding from your previous ex this is a total mess. Get out respectfully, remain friends if you want, but spend some time single because you haven't recovered. Hell I didn't even date for 6 months after...and even then it was a "let's hang out" not a "lemme pick you up, take you to a fancy dinner and kiss you on your doorstep"

[EvilEvilKitten]

You're not in love. How do I know? Because you're asking the question. Its rather like asking "Am I happy?" - if you have to ask, you aren't.

Besdies which LOVE is contraindicated by the following:

only since Oct 2010 - too soon - I'd say WAAY too soon
lately feeling you'd rather run away
retained feelings for your ex
her willingness to blackmail you by saying if you two broke up - she'll give up
there's no spark and it has only been a few months


This one is NOT the woman for you.
Get out there and find more women to date - and I do mean DATE, dammit.
Do NOT leap into a relationship UNTIL you're more than ready.

At which time, you won't be asking if you're in love - you will know it.

[Ducy]

^ Well someone is feeling feisty today!

[dancingdoc2]

Feisty or not, EEK, is correct and has echoed exactly what is discussed in the articles listed in the Index regarding dating. I suggest some of you who have replied to this thread read the series.

As a high school boy, I've dated, broken up, and have experienced a very emotional and physically trying result of the news.

As an adult, I've had my share of short term dates (long enough to decide she is not for me) and long term relationships that included marriage. At the end of the long term relationships, the emotional upheaval was always difficult and the thoughts of "her" and the past stayed with me for months and in a couple of cases, years.

Once over, I agree that if the two of you can remain friendly, this is ideal. There is only one woman I had a relationship that is still a close friend. (There is a difference.) Do not expect to segue into a friendship from an in love relationship. If it happens, great! Don't push for it.

I advocate dating one or more people openly at a time. Why? Please read the section in the Index regarding the whys and wherefores of dating. That said, I also am an advocate of giving yourself several months to grieve and heal after the breakup of a relationship lasting longer than several weeks.

Can't get her/him out of your head? Sure you can. Here's the trick. When the thought of her/him pops into your mind, consciously change your mind. Do it over and over and "until...." Sooner or later these thoughts will become less and less frequent.

If or when a question arises about compatibility or whether "we are in love", then you are most likely not. Again, if you have to ask, then--no.

As for attempting to keep something going between the two of you when one or the other of you has expressed that there is waning or no more interest, then, if the two of you have done everything possible to repair what is wrong, stop it.

An important concept to learn is that it takes two "yeses" for an action or activity to proceed; it takes one "no" for an action or activity not to happen.