What were you thinking?

[tataa]

Okay, let me start off by saying I met this guy from a mutual friend of a friend. It was a late summer when I met him we exchanged numbers but didn't really speak to each other. I mean he would call me but the conversations weren't 'great'. So we wouldn't talk as often and that was fine with me because I really didn't feel the need to reach out to him because of school and other things that kept me occupied. We still were friends on this social network but we didn't really talk. So recently he has hit me up and has decided to take me out for a casual dinner and a movie date. I agreed to do so but all of a sudden he got sick and has decided that Saturday (this Saturday) wasn't a good idea to meet up because he didn't feel to good. I said that was fine etc...but we still talked on the phone. So he's looking at my pictures and there is this one picture of me where I have gained weight due to me having surgery and not being able to do much such as, exercise and walk. So he goes "You were fat" and I'm like "Excuse me" that comment caught me out the loop. If you trying to get to know somebody and possible hook up with them why would you say that? I told him that comment was not nice at all. That turned me off completely, and I just feel like every time I try to get back into the dating scene it's jerks that I'm approached by. Him being a shallow egotistical prick just goes to show why he hasn't had a girlfriend in four years.


What makes a person eligible to date? Apparently I'm missing something here.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Stating the obvious without considering your words before you say them is a common HUMAN error. Usually it is due to 'being surprised' as in the brain stops suddenly and you just blurt out something you shouldn't have said because you were struck with a sudden thought.

What you should have done was say "Excuse me?"
What he should have done was say "Sorry, I lost my mind for a moment. Please, forgive me."

This is the point of Etiquette. It gives you the proper thing to say in most social situations to get you out of trouble and to keep you out of trouble as well as what to say so you don't flounder around wondering what to say.

As it was, Tataa, you went off into a huff of hurt feelings and went immediately to Defcon 4. Thus ends another possible relationship - if only a friendship. I'm assuming you wanted to get rid of this guy and were looking for a reason - any reason to do so.

Now then let's see what probably would have happened if you had NOT gone immediately into Defcon 4 mode.

"Excuse me?"
"Sorry, I apologise. I spoke without thinking. Please forgive me."
"Apology accepted. I gained a lot due to surgery and it took a lot of hard work to get my figure back."
"You look wonderful! Congratulations!"
"Thank you."

The question can be asked: Tataa, what were YOU thinking?
and thus we can ask the question Tataa - what were YOU thinking?

Is he a jerk or is she being too sensitive?

[tataa]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Stating the obvious without considering your words before you say them is a common HUMAN error. Usually it is due to 'being surprised' as in the brain stops suddenly and you just blurt out something you shouldn't have said because you were struck with a sudden thought.

What you should have done was say "Excuse me?"
What he should have done was say "Sorry, I lost my mind for a moment. Please, forgive me."

This is the point of Etiquette. It gives you the proper thing to say in most social situations to get you out of trouble and to keep you out of trouble as well as what to say so you don't flounder around wondering what to say.

As it was, Tataa, you went off into a huff of hurt feelings and went immediately to Defcon 4. Thus ends another possible relationship - if only a friendship. I'm assuming you wanted to get rid of this guy and were looking for a reason - any reason to do so.

Now then let's see what probably would have happened if you had NOT gone immediately into Defcon 4 mode.

"Excuse me?"
"Sorry, I apologise. I spoke without thinking. Please forgive me."
"Apology accepted. I gained a lot due to surgery and it took a lot of hard work to get my figure back."
"You look wonderful! Congratulations!"
"Thank you."

The question can be asked: Tataa, what were YOU thinking?
and thus we can ask the question Tataa - what were YOU thinking?

Is he a jerk or is she being too sensitive?

Maybe I am too sensitive but a lot of females are sensitive about their weight. He was laughing! This didn't sound like a nervous chuckle either.
Then his defense line was "I can't keep it real with you?" if I happen to have a possible relationship with this person could he handle me at my worst? If not than I feel like he doesn't deserve me at my best.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Looking at this from his point of view..."wow, what a drama queen". Lots of people, not just women, are sensitive about their weight. The point is there are better ways to handle such situations. He was insensitive to say it and you were too sensitive to handle it. Frankly, if he doesn't like the way you look, tell him to keep his eyes closed.

But there's something more interesting in your post.

You seem to be encountering "jerks" in extraordinary numbers when you do try to date. Why is that, do you think?

[tataa]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Looking at this from his point of view..."wow, what a drama queen". Lots of people, not just women, are sensitive about their weight. The point is there are better ways to handle such situations. He was insensitive to say it and you were too sensitive to handle it. Frankly, if he doesn't like the way you look, tell him to keep his eyes closed.

But there's something more interesting in your post.

You seem to be encountering "jerks" in extraordinary numbers when you do try to date. Why is that, do you think?

Opposites attract, maybe? I believe I'm a fairly good person. I can admit I am sensitive and I'm trying to change that about myself. But change doesn't happen over night. It will be a long process and I doubt someone will ride with me on that journey to change.

[EvilEvilKitten]

As long as you give a decent guy, and most are, a decent chance, you'll do just fine so stop doubting.

The killers are: lying, any abuse, and disrespect with intent.

Remember that men are sensitive to other things and few understand nuance so he may not 'get it' and be 'insensitive' when he doesn't intend to be.

[jessica roy]

I have to agree tith Tataa this guy bairly new her. They had a few chats never met and he out right tells her she looks fat. This is his mess up not hers, she may have over reacted (posting it on here for all to read). But his out right saying she looks fat is just over the line. Now if they were friends I would say he did nothing wrong at all you expect honesty from friends right?. In this case I see it as seeing a person you have not talked to in years and saying wow you got fat, that is crossing many social proticals.

[lnt1103]

What ever happened to:

You were fat.
Hehe, yeah, I guess I was. I had just recently had surgery and gained some weight while I was recovering. I hadn't lost it yet when that was taken. But that's ancient history, HERE'S me NOW.

[Ducy]

I don't understand why someone would expect a lie from a stranger yet complete honesty from a friend.

He said u were fat. Ya he should have exercised a bit more tact, but what does it matter? EEK is right. You should have said excuse me and he should have apologized, and you should explain. I have made the same mistake before. Incredibly everything was fine. I said "holy **** you were fat?!" And began to laugh mostly out of embarasment for what I said (it was a total full hearted chuckle) she laughed said ya! Then I grew up and here I am now haha.

If I may express my complete opinion. You did over react and he fell through the cracks in etiquette. I do not see how he was a shallow egotistical prick. That seems sorta childish to be calling him names. Now had he said Ew you were fat. I'm too good for fat chicks...then that would classify as shallow and egotistical.

It also sounds to me that you may not be meeting jerks everywhere you go, rather you meet someone whom make a simple "human" error such as saying something the wrong way, and you flip out over it.

My ex once complained about how fat she was (while I was playing with her boobs). I said she wasn't and she said well there is fat in boobs and so I jokingly said "well then that's the only place you have fat cuz they sure like to jiggle". Perhaps this wasn't the best thing to say but I was kinda thrown off (I mean who comments how fat they are while they are fooling around) she freaked out kicked me out of bed and refused to talk to me for almost a week.

Perhaps the maturity level isn't there for a proper relationship. We live in an imperfect world. And only when you can learn to accept a persons imperfections, can you learn to keep them from ruining a relationship. Saying things like nobody is going to want to deal with u while you learn to "toughen up" is exactly right. Nobody wants to start a relationship based on negativity. Me and my best friend have a basic rule when going on a first date. If you ask a girl would you like to date? And she replies oh you don't wanna date me, we simply say ya your probably right and walk away. Why start something with someone when they are going to try to fuel their ego or be negative before anything has happened?

[tataa]

Originally Posted by jessica roy

I have to agree tith Tataa this guy bairly new her. They had a few chats never met and he out right tells her she looks fat. This is his mess up not hers, she may have over reacted (posting it on here for all to read). But his out right saying she looks fat is just over the line. Now if they were friends I would say he did nothing wrong at all you expect honesty from friends right?. In this case I see it as seeing a person you have not talked to in years and saying wow you got fat, that is crossing many social proticals.

thanks for seeing my point of view.