Shinji and papercanvas

[shinji]

Hi, This is Shinji. This is in response to papercanvas thread, and it turns out me and her are the ones dating each other right now. After reading her thread her and I got together and we started discussing some of the issues we have between us right now. I will acknowledge that I still have strong feelings for my ex Jen. She was the first person with whom I truly fell in love with. And so I brought these strong lingering feelings into our new dating thing. Me and papercanvas have not reach a full, exclusive committed relationship yet. We ares still in the dating phase as I try to get over my feelings for Jen. I have put together some things we discussed, but we want outside opinions first before we decided. THey are listed below.

1: Since we are not technically committed yet, we are open to dating other people as we date each other. Should we pursue that option, or should we just date each other?
a: Also, she has a hard time finding dates, so should I help her out in that respect if we do date other besides each other?

2: Should her and I continue to have sex? if we start dating other people if the opportunity arises should either of us have sex with other people as well?

3: Because of recent events there is a possibility me and the ex may be re-establishing communication between each other. If we do, how much should I share with papercanvas about that? and how far should I push things?

Papaercanvas is fully aware of what this thread contains as me and her went over this together before posting.

[RedRoses]

I think it's very good you two are considering such questions. Once there is a certain bond/relationship/interaction you need an agreement on how to act towards eachother. You do this every day unknowingly; colleagues, neighbors, friends, lovers, etc. Sometimes this follows automatic, sometimes opinions may differ and it needs a little work. Especially when your role is changing (or when you are in different roles with the same person, but that's not the case here). It is good to be fair and open about it. And communication is the key.

You "should" not do anything, but whatever feels right to you. There is no-one on this forum that could tell you what to feel. Accept for that your feelings are to be listened to. That you shouldn't throw yourself into turmoil, just because society, your parents, your classmates, your friends, your forum-buddies, etc tell you what to (not) feel and to (not) behave in a certain way.

I have hardly any experience in dating, but my suggestion would be; both do some thinking and feeling answering each question. Don't start thinking for the other, just you. Than sit together and clearly explain to the other what your answers are. That way you can figure out which answers are different and perhaps could be compromised. There's a difference between a preference and a boundary. You could discover answers are opposite and can not be compromised in a satisfying way for both. You may also find you simply agree on all answers; all is fine and there's nothing to worry about.

A little note; sometimes you could use a reality-check. What are you already "feeling" and "doing"? You could speculate and think all you want about what it is you want to be feeling or want to be doing, but what is it right now?

I derive the latter from a personal example (though not to set an example ): I brought this up in a conversation when my to-be-bf was in doubt about starting our relationship and what that relationship was going to be. All his fears of us getting emotionally attached, of hurting me and getting hurt, etc creeped up on him. But if we looked at it clearly, that process had already commenced. Now off course was the best time to kill it immediately, causing the less damage possible. But the "starting" was already done, no matter what we called it or where it would lead. (perhaps surprisingly; for him the first part of that last sentence was frightening, the second part reassuring enough to decide to commit)

[lnt1103]

Okay you two. Been here, done this. I've been in shinji's spot before.

Shinji and Jen were together for years, she was the first he ever fell so hard for, and it's been a very short time since the break up. Of course he still feels something for her. Of course he still talks about her. Duh. It's totally natural and normal. In fact, there would be something wrong if he DIDN'T act this way. You can't spend that kind of time, energy and devotion on someone and NOT end up in this place. There will always be memories. There will always be moments. But there's also a difference between A-still being in love with her, and B-caring that she's happy with her life and doesn't get hit by a bus. With time, shinji will move farther away from A and closer to B.

Having said that, however, he also needs to understand that renewing ANYthing with Jen this early is no way to get over her. Clean break, bud. He also needs to make conscious effort to get past this point of still talking about her all the time. DD2 has suggested to many people before that you force yourself to change your mind. The word "Jen" comes into your head, change the subject before it comes out your mouth. With time, you won't have to force it as often.

Another piece of this, is that shinji needs to reacquaint himself with the shinji half of Shinji-And-Jen. In your own right, who are you and what do you want from life, love, the world around you? You, in and of yourself, without Jen at the heartstrings. Just YOU. Find him again and get comfortable in your own Jen-less skin.

Paper needs to understand that shinji is on the rebound, and decide how much patience she's able and willing to have with that. Part of what's going on here is that he needs reaffirmation that there is someone on the planet besides Jen that could conceivably ever want him the way Jen did. He thought she was all there was for so long, that's all he knows. I've heard of rebounds becoming meaningful relationships in their own right, but it takes time, patience, understanding, communication and open eyes.

As long as the two of you are keeping open the lines of communication, doing your best to stay on the same page--and be aware that the page may change without much warning--the specifics of how you do your relationship are totally up to you. Because your relationship is just that---yours.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Shin got wrapped around the axle and totally invested into this one woman - his ex. He's now rebounding into another relationship - again - with just the one woman. This sounds all romantic but - what does it say about you when you do the same thing that led you into pain and torment before?

YES, date others. Break out of the 'lock-step, going-steady, 1950's mode' just because that's "how it is supposed to work" according to society.

She, sorry dear, finds it hard to date because she's holding men up to some mythic standard instead of judging each guy upon his merits. Give most guys a decent chance and play fair - she'll find plenty of men willing to at least hang out with her.

You two have sex as SHE pleases. (Males are assumed to be consenting until proven otherwise.) Proper protection required.