Time and patience?

[Papercanvas]

I have been dating a guy for about a month, and his last relationship ended a couple of months ago, I think 4, quite badly (he got dumped and the ex is with someone else). He told me of the situation before I asked him out, and mentions her from time to time (though he said he has been told not to and agrees with that advice). He has also told me he still misses his ex and still has feelings for her. I can understand this as the end of the relationship wasn't too long ago, though I don't like it and it frustrates the hell out of me. However, he still says that he likes me and would like to go slow and keep dating. Unfortunately he has been seeing (as in noticing her, not talking or coming into direct contact with her) the ex recently around our college campus, and this has made him depressed, which is also understandable. Up until this started happening I feel we had been making pretty good start into a nice relationship.
However, I sort of feel like I should have not started this relationship in the first place, like I should have known better, and that he has not had enough time to properly deal with it. He said he likes me and wants to keep dating, but he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't mind taking it slow to see where this goes, but I don't want to wait forever hoping he starts liking me more than he misses his ex. We have had sex (I was a virgin, which I know doesn't sound like we've been going slow at all), and I feel like I'm starting to get emotionally attached. I like him and we have a lot in common, but I am not sure how to handle this. Also, I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, so I apologize if something doesn't make sense.

I am not a very social person, and my previous relationship, which was also my first, lasted about 4 years, however the only thing we did together sexually was oral on him. So other than that I do not have much dating experience.

[raunchy gal]

I'm no expert but it seems to me your guy still has a thing for his ex.You are right you shouldn't have started the relationship.However he has stated that he wants to keep seeing you and you have taken it several levels further by having sex.Talk to him about your feelings in regard to your relationship and his ex.And if worse comes to worse break it off for a little while and tell him that you won't have him back till he's completely over his ex and date other men in the meantime.

[dancingdoc2]

Hi,
You have expressed yourself very clearly. You have actually answered your own concerns.

It takes several months up to a year or more in order to get over a previous relationship depending upon its length and reason for ending. You have not given any reason not to be friends with this guy and I certainly think that for the foreseeable future this should be the extent of your involvement. He needs time to heal, to do a morbidity and mortality (why did the relationship fail and what he could have done differently) evaluation, grieve, etc. To begin a new relationship as soon as you did is called a "rebound relationship" and they tend to be fraught with added difficulties.

> I asked him out, and mentions her from time to time (though he said he has been told not to and agrees with that advice).

Mentioning an ex- is par for the course, think nothing of it. He has been given good advice, yet do not be upset if he calls you by her name once in a while. It is a reflex not a conscious thought. If this happens, laugh it off and move on.

> He has also told me he still misses his ex and still has feelings for her.

Understandable, yet an unwise thing to do, as noted, above.

> I don't like it and it frustrates the hell out of me.

In a nice polite manner, tell him, and explain why. He is teetering between wanting a friend to unload on emotionally, and a person with whom he wants to begin a new relationship. He needs a gentle reminder of where the boundaries are.

> I sort of feel like I should have not started this relationship in the first place, like I should have known better, and that he has not had enough time to properly deal with it. He said he likes me and wants to keep dating, but he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't mind taking it slow to see where this goes, but I don't want to wait forever hoping he starts liking me more than he misses his ex.

Please understand as explained, above, that the process of recovery and letting go takes time--for him--for any and all of us. The process takes as long as it takes, you cannot rush it. So go slow yet factor in several more months. If you do not want to invest this much time, then move on

> He said he likes me and wants to keep dating, but he doesn't want to hurt me.

What does he mean by this? Hurt you how. Ask him. Good relationships are built on communications. Ya gotta talk to each other, ask questions, get answers.

As for the rest, please read each of the articles listed in the Index found at the top of the main screen. It contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. I recommend that both of you read them, discuss what you have learned and add the information to what each of you already knows. There is an entire section on dating and relationships.

[EvilEvilKitten]

I could weep!

WHY ARE YOU DATING JUST THIS ONE MAN?