When to bring up "where do you want this to go?"

[browneyedgirl]

I've been dating someone for a month and a half who I really like, and I get the feeling he really likes me. We have mind blowing sex. He takes me out to meals and we also enjoy staying in and watching tv together, cooking together, and just hanging out. Our interests are almost exactly the same so we have lots in common. He's very chivalrous and respectful and we get along very well. We've both introduced each other to our friends. We spend time together or talk by phone at least several days a week and sometimes daily. I know what he's doing a lot of the time so I don't think he's dating anyone else, though I haven't asked yet. All of this feels very comfortable and ALMOST like he's my boyfriend, but of course we haven't had a "are we official?" or "are we exclusive?" conversation so I know that's not the case.

Now, I should be clear: I don't need this to be an "official", exclusive relationship. I am a very attractive girl in my 20s with plenty of guys who are interested in me and I have an active social circle and lots of interests. I am more than happy being on my own and dating around (though I'm not dating anyone else at the moment). And I certainly realize that we've been dating very shortly and it would be weird if we were super serious at this point. I'm just starting to get curious about what his intention is - does he want a relationship eventually or is this casual fun? My question is... what is the tactful way to bring this up, and when do I do it? After how long do you ask? Or do you just wait until it becomes clear/he brings it up? I don't want to scare him off by trying to define this after such a short amount of time, but I also just want to make sure we're on the same page about where this is going. Again, I'm really fine with it becoming more serious OR staying casual, but I just like knowing what's up. Should I wait a month or two and then bring it up if it hasn't become clear, or do I ask now?

[Brandye]

Six weeks into a relationship is a bit early to ask where it id going. You can discuss exclusivity in the guise of "we have to protect ourselves." If he is sleeping around then that tells you something. If not, perhaps a proposition that you get tested is in order. That is common sense rather than pressure.

[mikkiji]

Six weeks after my late wife and I first slept together, we were already living together and talking about marriage! It never seemed too quick for us, and something must have been right, because we were married almost 34 years. We NEVER asked or discussed exclusivity or if we were 'official' or anything. We just knew immediately that this must be true love because it felt so different and thrilling and correct, and we just wanted to nail it down right away. Her parents were not so thrilled, as we were under 21 and still in college, but we didn't care. Doesn't one know pretty quickly if it's 'serious'? I'm now remarried after being widowed, and we pretty much knew we'd be life partners within 3 or 4 dates. Maybe it's just me...
Michael

[browneyedgirl]

Brandye -- Thank you for your advice! Yes, you are probably right. 6 weeks is very early. I will wait it out for a bit and then bring up exclusivity. Hopefully things will make themselves clear in the next couple weeks or months.

Michael -- Thanks for your opinion! I know that that is how it happens with some couples, however I don't think it's common to be living together after 6 weeks! I do think that may be a quality of your personality more than anything and not something to be expected with all couples! This does feel "right" to me to the degree that I would be very happy with it being a serious relationship eventually if that's where it is going, but I do not feel the need to rush it into being serious and I don't claim to be a mind reader so I can't say how he feels at this point.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Sorry, but I'd never ask "where is this going" or anything like it.

It isn't "going" anywhere - it just IS.

Life itself will move your relationship along. Graduation, job relocation/promotion, building that satisfying individual life of your own as you are supposed to be doing, moving toward your goals and what you want to accomplish - writing the Great American Novel or whatever.

Focus upon that instead of wondering "he loves me; he loves me not".

Why? Several reasons:
1. masculine timidity at being tied-down - it is his problem and you should ignore it - asking "where is this going" can be perceived as pressure - so don't ask.

2. Asking makes you appear weak, clingy, insecure and/or a person who doesn't have a life or mind of her own - all of which are detrimental to an eglatarian relationship. Remember that few things are more attractive than a confident woman.

Rather than asking him "where is this going?", ask yourself "why do I need to know?".

[RedRoses]

I guess relationships are about what is happening and what you are doing. At a certain moment, which only you can decide is, you may feel that there's more between you two. For instance: that you're not only focusing upon what's happening "here and now", but are ready to explore whether there would matching (future)dreams between the two of you. At a certain moment you also may feel that the "exploring"-time is over. That you become more certain of "us". And that you're ready for more serious steps. Whenever what happens, such as becoming exclusive or call him your boyfriend, would be up to your own standards. And how fast this happens, really differs each couple.

Personally I found most things really come naturally and not need any real conversation. I only needed to, when it appeared that he had different thoughts on something, or hadn't thought about it at all. Such as getting tested for STD's/HIV, which I specifically requested him to do, before we would do anything "bare". He had never worried or thought about this. For him it was just natural; you meet a girl, things click, things click even more, she becomes "your girl", you lose condoms and stick to certain precautions only to prevent pregnancy. That wasn't good enough for me, which I explained. He thought my request to be completely reasonable. Actually, he went running

[browneyedgirl]

EEK, thank you!! I actually sort of came to this conclusion myself over the last couple days... I started to wonder why I cared! When I posted this, I was feeling anxious for some reason, but then I took a step back and realized I was being silly. You are totally right... things just ARE. If we're enjoying each other's company now, that's all that matters, and if I really don't need this to be serious (which I of course don't) then it should not matter "where it's going." (After all, even if you do make it exclusive with someone and think it's serious, the other person can ALWAYS choose to leave, so why bother to worry about it?) I asked myself, "What's the worst that can happen?" and the answer was, "If he doesn't like me that much and I move on to the next hot, amazing guy who comes my way!" Really... I'm young, I'm hot... I have plenty of options. And this guy is damn lucky to be with me! So... if he likes me and I like him, cool. If we're just having awesome sex and I'm getting some good meals out of it and spending time with someone nice and fun and incredibly handsome, awesome. Bring it on!

Oh, and not to worry, EEK, I think I'm one of the least clingy girls ever! I'm very confident that I'm a pretty great catch and I have my own life and interests. We are both busy people, and I do make time to see him, but I also am definitely not the kind of person who will drop everything to be with a guy. I think it's good to make em work a little...

[gentle694u]

where do you want this to go!!! For god's sake..opps..relax and let it move along and have fun..every relationship does not have to be a "Soap Opera" relax and be cool