Bad mentality you should avoid

[kupo15]

Hi,
I just wanted to publicly state several of serious flaws one can have in the dating scene that should be avoided. Even though I'm new to dating, all of these flaws are things I have diagnosed about myself and know that they hold one back tremendously. These are things I am desperately trying to correct which will be easy once I just flip the switch in my head.

Hopefully this will help other guys as well as help me to take my own advice

#1 Thinking 10 steps ahead

If there is a moderate amount of doubt or if I don't see that things will work out down the road, I tend to close up. Essentially, I'm having a hard time giving people a chance and assuming things for no reason and then later I regret it and feel like I have to play catch up.

Instead, I should take things how they come, get the action that we both want with Implied Consent, then assess the situation to see if its something worth pursuing. Otherwise its too late if I do things the other way around. Example:

If there is an opportunity to ask her back to your room, do it. Instead of thinking, "well, if I ask her back to my room, she will probably expect sex, but I'm not comfortable having sex with her right now so I won't ask her back," take things one step at a time because she may only be interested in making out. If you invite her back then you at least should be comfortable with making out with her. You can at least keep things from going past make out for that night until you are comfortable with taking things further.

#2 Over thinking

You need to act according to the moment and not what you think the hidden message of the moment is. An example:

If a girl invites you back to your room, thinking that it is only a friendly gesture so you don't try anything bold even if the situation calls for it.

Example 2: Thinking its too early to doing x even if the situation calls for it. Who cares if you just met her and you both somehow made your way back to your room. If the situation calls for it, go with that instead of thinking that you shouldn't make a move because you just met her

#3 Taking things too literally

This kinda goes hand in hand with #2. You ask if she wants to watch a TV show and she agrees. She asks if she can come over so you can help her uncork a wine bottle. If the situation calls for things to be moved to the next step, go for it instead of thinking, "well I told her we would watch a TV show, she only needs help with the wine bottle. Thats it."

#4- Waiting for the "right" moment or the "right" person

There is no such thing as the "right" moment/person and in doing so you will be waiting for a long time. As long as things are going well and feels right to you, go for the plunge and assess the events after the fact

#5 Caring too much

This is a big problem for me. The more I know someone, the more I care about hurting their feelings to a point where I value their happiness over mine. Essentially, be realistic and know what you want. Acting like a friend even though you really want something more is disastrous. Why should I care about losing this possible friendship when what I really want a relationship instead?

[Aphrodite_66]

Kupo this applies to women too.I had alot of opportunities gone begging as a young woman.I was really shy back then,and when i was around 21 i had a boyfriend who was a few years older than me.I was really keen to get things moving but he was very hesitant,i don't know if he was shy or really respected me,but one night when staying over at his parents house i really wanted to walk into his room and offer myself to him.I didn't and i wonder if he would have accepted the gift of my naked body or not.I never found out because i was too scared and shy to take the plunge.Other chances have gone begging for similar reasons.Now i take all the chances i can get.

[EvilEvilKitten]

"Why should I care about losing this possible friendship when what I really want a relationship instead?"

Why? Because:

1. the BEST relationships are with those you not only love but also LIKE
2. friendship is ALSO a relationship and can include sex
3. friends will tell you what lovers won't

That's why you retain your friends whether you're in a relationship or not.

[kupo15]

Originally Posted by Aphrodite_66

Kupo this applies to women too.I had alot of opportunities gone begging as a young woman.I was really shy back then,and when i was around 21 i had a boyfriend who was a few years older than me.I was really keen to get things moving but he was very hesitant,i don't know if he was shy or really respected me,but one night when staying over at his parents house i really wanted to walk into his room and offer myself to him.I didn't and i wonder if he would have accepted the gift of my naked body or not.I never found out because i was too scared and shy to take the plunge.Other chances have gone begging for similar reasons.Now i take all the chances i can get.

Yea, I guess it can also work for girls too. I was thinking more along the lines of since usually its the guys that are "supposed" to initiate anything when you are not a couple. How often is it that the girl is the one to initiate the first kiss?

Thanks for the story. I'm realizing that its extremely important to take all the chances I get otherwise I will never be happy.

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

"Why should I care about losing this possible friendship when what I really want a relationship instead?"

Why? Because:

1. the BEST relationships are with those you not only love but also LIKE
2. friendship is ALSO a relationship and can include sex
3. friends will tell you what lovers won't

That's why you retain your friends whether you're in a relationship or not.

Well, this thread is cross contaminated with my other postings. I was thinking more along the lines of that girl was the first someone I met after moving. Things felt flirty and going places but ultimately I let the opportunities slip away because if she didn't feel the same way then I could have lost a potential friend.

But going after your existing friends doesn't mean that it will automatically break up your friendship. This happened with two of my best friends and everything is just fine.

[Qplezsthawife]

i wanna assume that your in college or something for some reason kupo? just curious

and Aphrodite, if you took off your clothes in front of any man, i kinda doubt that they would not take what you have to offer......excuse the way i say this but "pussy is a man's kryptonite"....u put it out in front of him and it's one of the hardest things in the world for him to resist....it's what makes him weak.......unless he's gay

[kupo15]

yes. I am a grad student but I blindly resisted sex because I was blindly following the religion I was brought up on. Now that my friends convinced me otherwise as of a year ago, I wish I could redo that aspect of my undergrad and feel like I kinda need to make up for lost time now. :/

I could have resisted her easily if it happened to me during my undergrad because of my "strong morals" that I was raised with. Now I know that resisting in that manner is stupid

[RedRoses]

Originally Posted by Qplezsthawife

and Aphrodite, if you took off your clothes in front of any man, i kinda doubt that they would not take what you have to offer......excuse the way i say this but "pussy is a man's kryptonite"....u put it out in front of him and it's one of the hardest things in the world for him to resist....it's what makes him weak.......unless he's gay

I can imagine how many men are very sensitive to that
But: taking of your clothes doesn't work with all men at all times.
And that sure doesn't have to do anything with sexual orientation!!!

Kupo already pointed out strong morals.
And what about fatigue, simply feeling unwell or even ill?
Feeling depressed, unhappy or stressed out?
Low self esteem or bad body-image?
Bad sexual experiences?
And so on...

[Aphrodite_66]

I didn't go into my bf's room but i wanted to.I sure gave him plenty of hints,and i even sat in his lap and kissed him one night.It wasn't like i didn't give him the come hither look.Was he very shy YES more so than i was in fact,was he GAY i don't know.I had another opportunity with him later on down the track,but i had already lost my virginity,and i didn't have the same feelings for him as before.Hmmm!!

[adultdater]

I agree wholeheartedly with points #1 and #2. Overthinking and over-rationalizing is the reason why many 'intelligent' men (and women) find it difficult to approach and chat with other people in their vicinity. They think a hundred times before doing an approach (should they approach / what should they say / etc), which increases their anxiety and decreases the chances of them actually approaching a woman or group. And by that time the woman has moved on or sees this 'creep' hanging around looking at her, which makes her much less open to you.

A solution to what is popularly knows as 'approach anxiety' is to do what most intelligent people find hard to: not to think. Just act. As you see someone that interests you, within 2-3 seconds approach them without thinking. With practice it's a tool that has helped many people overcome over-thinking.

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[EvilEvilKitten]

Actually it is easier than all that.

1. Scan the local people to identify those of interest.
2. Make, and hold for at least 20 seconds, eye contact with selected persons.
3. Wait a few minutes but end up near and saying "Hello, I'm x" and offering your hand within 30 minutes after making eye contact.

You then ask open-ended questions that require a sentence to answer. These questions can be about anything: the band, the venue, the stock market, the Celtics, the price of eggs in China.....it doesn't matter really but you have got to get and keep a conversation going and if you can make her laugh - bonus points. You then mention how nice it has been to meet her and ask for her phone number. You then shake her hand and retire to where she can't see you.

Always have in your back pocket a bona fide date available: that is a specific event about 2 weeks away for which you have two tickets (or whatever). That way if you two really hit it off, you can ask him/her out to this date right then and there - making you a 'can do' proactive person.